Got Plans? Weddings Special

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Got Plans?
Wedding Special
With the Entertainment Guide Staff
washingtonpost.com
Thursday, June 20, 2002; 2 p.m. EDT

If you're looking for more ideas, see the Entertainment Guide.

Submit your questions and comments before or during the discussion.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

washingtonpost.com: Welcome to the "Got Plans? Weddings" edition. We probably should have done this during May sweeps, when most wedding episodes occur, but we were too caught up with the birth of Rachel's baby on "Friends."
Consider this chat a sort of bizarro "Got Plans?" In the regular "Got Plans?" world, we like to answer more general going-out questions and not focus too much on weddings. But in the "Got Plans? Weddings" world, it's just the opposite: We ONLY want wedding-related questions. So if you want to know what to do on a rainy Wednesday or where to find a list of underage bars, save it for next Thursday's regular "Got Plans?" when we will happily answer your question. I'm Jen (but you can call me J-Lo, as in "The Wedding Planner") and I'm acting as hostess, but the whole Got Plans crew is available to help. So enough yappin'. Let's go to the chapel.

Washington, D.C.: This question may have been more appropriate for yesterday's gift discussion, but unfortunately I missed it. I'm a single 20-something. Am I expected to spend as much on a gift as someone who brings a guest or a spouse to the wedding (meaning that the gift is from two people)? Also, are gifts expected at bachelorette parties these days? I was very embarrassed and surprised to be the only one who didn't bring a gift to a recent bachelorette party. Thanks.

Going Out Gurus: I (Jen) don't think there is any "right" amount to spend on a gift. You should spend whatever you think is appropriate, whether you're buying for one or two. And as far as gifts at bachelorettes, I've never heard of that. Usually everyone chips in for the bride's food and drink, which is plenty gift enough in my book.

Washington, D.C.: If the groom's father is not in the wedding party (best man, etc.) does he wear a tux to the wedding? This is a 5 p.m. wedding. Somebody told me he would wear a tux so he wouldn't stick out in the wedding pictures.

Going Out Gurus: I (Jen) would say that generally that is a good idea, especially if the groom's father walks down the aisle to his seat at the start of the ceremony.

Washington, D.C.: Do you have any suggestions for good places to do bridal portraits? We'd like someplace that allows both indoor and outdoor pictures (so we don't get the dress too dirty!) that doesn't charge an arm and a leg. An historical house would be great for indoor shots, but they're all too expensive. What do you recommend?

Going Out Gurus: There are some public spots that might be ideal for this. For instance, I'm pretty sure the Glenview Mansion in Rockville and Woodend in Chevy Chase will let you take photos at no charge as long as there is no event going on at the time. But call and ask to be sure.

Arlington, Va.: We are searching for a reputable, reasonably-priced wedding photographer in the D.C. area. Any suggestions?

Going Out Gurus: Hi, Arlington. I (Jen) would recommend mine, but unfortunately she stopped taking wedding photos and only does portraits. Anyone have suggestions? (And remember, the word reasonably-priced should be underlined.)

Tyson's Corner, Va.: Can anyone recommend any great bands to play at my wedding reception?

Going Out Gurus: Hello Tysons, this is Joe and I'm not sure what kind of music you're looking for but I know a few good local bands play at weddings. Ruthie and the Wranglers played at a wedding I went to two summers ago and they were really good. Also the Grandsons and the Hula Monsters (I think they're still together) and Last Train Home all play weddings. Not sure what they charge, but they're all very good. I'm sure other readers will have suggestions.

Washington, D.C.: We are getting married in December. Any suggestions for rehearsal dinner place for about 50 in D.C.? Capitol Hill and downtown would be convenient, but we also are trying to keep the cost reasonable.

Going Out Gurus: Hi, D.C. Take a look at this feature on rehearsal dinner spaces and see if there's anything you like. By the way, I (Jen) forgot to mention in my intro that everyone should take a look at this wedding feature, which contains links to several stories that may answer many of your questions.

Duck, N.C.: I'm having a wedding at Woodend in Chevy Chase next summer. Any hints/information to make it a success? Any caterers you would recommend/not recommend?

Going Out Gurus: You lucky person. I (Jen) got married there last year, so I love the place. Quick recommendation: Make sure you know the back-up plan in case there is bad weather on your wedding day. We got lucky but not everyone does, so you'll want to make sure you and your wedding party know the inside of the house in case the wedding is held there. As far as caterers, Woodend has a set list (some of the companies on there are muy expensive). We went with Festive Foods because they seemed most reasonable and easy to communicate with and we were thrilled with them.

Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: Getting married in six months. We have the church and reception site. We are now looking at caterers. Any suggestions? We want something that is nice but not too expensive. Also, the reception site is providing tables and chairs and we can provide our own booze. Does this help bring down the costs a lot? Is there something else we can do to help control the costs?

Going Out Gurus: Does your reception site have a caterer list? I would start by asking them because they may only work with certain caterers and you need to know that right away.
As far as controlling costs, paying for booze yourself definitely will save you plenty of money. Another idea: Instead of having an elaborate floral arrangement on every table, use rose petals and a simple votive. We did this and it saved us at least $15 per table, probably more.

Woodley Park, Washington, D.C.: Has anyone out there gotten married at Halcyon House in Georgetown? What was your experience like?

Going Out Gurus: Hello Woodley, this is Joe and I was at a party at Halcyon House last year and was thinking at the time that it would be a great place for a wedding (not that I'm planning one, mind you). But it's an amazingly cool space. Maybe someone out there has actually been to a weddng there and can tell us what it was like.

Arlington, Va.: I am looking for a restaurant in the D.C./Northern Virginia area to host a 50-person engagement party. I'd like a semi private area and Middle Eastern food preferably. I've checked out Le Tarbouche, Marrakesh and Lebanese Taverna. Anything else that might be cool that is in the area? Thanks!

Going Out Gurus: Arlington, if I were you I'd go with the new Leb Tav in Pentagon Row. It's beautiful, for starters, and the food's good.

U Street: Getting married next spring and just embarking on the florist and photographer selection phase. Anyone have recommendations for florists that specialize in funky arrangements with lots of bright colors and unusual flowers? How about suggestions for hip photographers who use lots of black-and-white film and aren't all about the staged portraits of wedding party and family? Thanks for any help!

Going Out Gurus: Hi U, Kate here. I'm really taken with Ultra Violet (202/333-3002) on 31st. Street in Georgetown. I imagine that this teeny-tiny funky florist is expensive but they might agree to do your bouquet and you could get similar flowers, color or theme for decor/maids from your neighborhood shop.

Good photographers really should be willing to use any sort of film and understand your desire for dewy posed vaseline'round the edges portraiture or crisp b and w's. I understand price tends to be the most difficult aspect and if you don't have a photographer friend of a friend, I say call the Corcoran and ask the head of their photography program to recommend their best students.

Any one have a strong, specific recommendation?

Arlington, Va.: HELP! I have a wedding to go to in August, black tie requested. Normally it wouldn't be a problem to find something to wear, but I'm plus size (size 20) and can't find something suitable to wear. Everything is either ugly and meant for a 60-year-old woman (Nordstrom's stuff) or costs $1,000. I'm on a budget but want to look good. Any thoughts?

Going Out Gurus: Hmm, Nordstrom's is out? I (Anne) was going to suggest a department store, since they'd have a variety of evening wear and a variety of sizes. Do you have any friends who sew? You could design your own dress, sure to fit you perfectly. Readers, any other ideas?

Re: Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C. -- looking for caterers: What reception site are you using? It sounds perfect. Please get back to us with the answer if you're still there. Thanks!

Going Out Gurus: C'mon, Cap. Hill, share the wealth!

Herndon, Va.: I was recently invited to a wedding for one of my college friends; I cannot attend due to work obligations that have been long-standing. However, I have also been invited to the bachelorette party/shower and I would very much like to attend this to wish the bride well.

My question is this: Is it considered at all rude or gauche to attend the shower if you cannot attend the wedding?

Please help! Thanks so much.

Going Out Gurus: I can't imagine why it would be rude to attend the shower; I would think your friend would be happy to see you. In fact, I think it's thoughtful of you to try to go since you can't make the wedding.

Rockville, Md.: Jen,

With regards to your photographer, does she do engagement portraits?

Going Out Gurus: She does. Her name is Bea Riley. If you e-mail me after the discussion, I can give you her contact info. She's wonderful.

Bethesda, Md.: Where can my fiancee and I take relatively inexpensive dance lessons (ballroom style) for our fall wedding?

Thanks!

Going Out Gurus: I, Kate know friends who had a blast learning to hoof it (ballroom, waltz, foxtrot, etc) at Vic Daumit's studio at Woodley. Joy of Motion's Bethesda branch might be able to teach you to dip too. I'm afraid Arthur Murray's gives me the heebeegeebees.

Silver Spring, Md.: My best friend is getting married. Where is a good place to have a bachloerette party? And we are 27 so we would like to avoid Lulu's and Polyesthers!

Going Out Gurus: Silver Spring, I (Jen) refer you to our bachelorette round-up.

Bachelor Party Question: Husband's closest friend -- and the last of the group to get hitched -- is getting married in November. I would like him to: 1. Throw the guy an awesome bachelor party; 2. Give the guy a great time; and 3. Make up for three of the other guys that will be there, as their bachelor parties were pretty lame because of the future wives' strict instructions on what they were allowed to do. I do not want to tick off any of the wives, but I also want the guys to enjoy themselves. Any ideas around town? Besides the obligatory strip club or stripper at one's house as that is not allowed by the other wives.

Thanks!

Going Out Gurus: First, it's called an Omerta. Tell these husbands to get a spine. I mean, it's all about trust, innit?

Rhome and I (Fritz) -- two happily unmarried, happily unengaged mid-20s men -- suggest doing something outdoorsy and manly. Maybe rafting down the Potomac or going to play paintball? One of the best ideas I've heard was from a friend who organized a bachelor party at Camden Yards. They rented a field-level suite and watched a Yankees game. Since the wedding's in October, though, that might not work, and you can't rent suites at MCI by the game. We also vote for flying to Vegas for the weekend.

By the way, we agree that most of the bachelor parties we've been to have involved lots of bad, bad things. But, uh, we didn't participate in anything.

Northern Virginia: For a wedding photographer: Philip Kent is great. We used him for my wedding and a bar mitzvah over 10 years before that. Others we know have used them too. They're great. They're in the Tysons area.

They were not intrusive and took fantastic photos.

Going Out Gurus: A recommendation from NOVA. Thanks.

Judiciary Square, Washington, D.C.: This wedding special is so on time for me. I am thinking about getting married later in the summer but the date is going to be last minute. Anybody have ideas as to where to go to get a dress off the rack? Most of the bridal shops need at least 6-8 weeks and that is not going to work for me. Thanks.

Going Out Gurus: Are you looking for a traditional and formal wedding dress, JS? If so, I (Anne) would suggest I Do, I Do Weddings in Rockville. They sell pre-worn and new dresses at cheaper prices than if you were to buy them in a salon. If you need alterations, you could hire your own tailor. But if you're planning an imformal event, maybe an elegant white dress in any fabric will do. Almost any store is open to you -- all white dressing seems very popular in store windows these days. You could get a cute designer dress at a boutique for much less than what some wedding dresses cost.

Arlington, Va.: Hi, thanks for having this chat! I'm going to be married end of this year. Both my fiance and I are just starting out. We don't have space for too many more things, and we don't want to store all of our wedding presents for years to come. Of course, we want to celebrate with our family and friends, and we don't need presents. But people will give gifts. Is there a tactful (or subtle rather) way to tell people that if they want to bring gifts, they should just give money? Any chatters have ideas? Thanks!

Going Out Gurus: This was a controversial subject that came up yesterday during Janet's chat. My (Jen's) opinion is that you should tell your parents or your maid of honor/best man to subtly spread the word that if anyone gives gifts, just give cash. Some people might put that on their invitation (Janet knew someone who did this), and I guess in context it might be cute, but I think it's a little presumptuous to mention gifts, particularly cash, on the invitation. Call me Miss Manners.

Drinks at your reception: A friend of mine recently got married and I suggested to her to have only wine, beer, and one or two liquors at her wedding (they did vodka and Jim Beam). It was perfect. Everyone enjoyed it. After our wedding, we ended up with an incredible amount of wine and liquor (no complaints!) but for those on a budget, even just having wine and beer is a great way to save lots of money.

Going Out Gurus: Oh, I (Jen) forgot to mention that. Going wine and beer is a great idea. Also helps curb moments of drunken humiliation, which can happen at weddings.

Reston, Va., Re: Bridal portraits/outside: Meadowlark Gardens in Vienna is marvelous, and it only costs ~$5 donation per person to get in.

We had our wedding there in '99. It was great, but the prices have sure gone up a LOT!

Going Out Gurus: This is a beautiful place. But you're right - the price to have a wedding there has gotten pretty hefty.

Washington, D.C.: What is the proper protocol for buying an engagement ring? How much do you spend, save, etc.? I need help!

Going Out Gurus: You buy what you can afford. That "two months salary" that the industry suggests -- it's not tradition -- is stupid. Get that propaganda out of your head. Then think about the men of Sierra Leone, who've had their hands chopped off. Now, back to the money. Put those thousands in the bank and use it to buy a house, or for a fun vacation. The important thing is to not go overboard and think that anyone really needs a $2500 engagement ring. Come on. Isn't the love what matters, not material things?

Unless, of course, she wants to use the ring to impress her Singleton friends. Then you're screwed.

(This was from Fritz and Rhome again.)

Washington, D.C.: Getting married on July 6. Do I need to get a present for her parents? My parents? If so, when is it customary to present them with the gifts, and what type of presents are customary?

Thanks, I'm entirely clueless.

Going Out Gurus: This is not customary as far as I know, though it is a nice gesture. Maybe the two of you can present something together after the rehearsal dinner - maybe you could make photo albums of your lives, individually and together, and give them to both sets of parents?

Arlington, Va.: One of the potential sites for my wedding and reception is the Blair Mansion Inn. Has anyone been married here and/or had a reception here? what advice do you have?

Going Out Gurus: Blair Mansion anyone?

Arlington, Va.: Who should throw the engagement party?

Going Out Gurus: Jen and I (Anne) don't think there's any rule about that, Arlington, so no worries. All-wise Fritz suggests the bride's ex-boyfriends throw the party. But seriously, we don't think there's a rule that you have to have one, either. We suppose any family member or friend willing to do something really nice for you, can.

Washington, D.C.: For size 20 evening gown, try David's Bridal in Springfield/Dale City or Gossypia in Old Town.

For great florist, try Wisteria in Old Town.

Going Out Gurus: Oh, yes, we've heard that our readers like Gosspyia.

Washington, D.C.: More of a thought than a question: It appears to me that weddings not only seem to make brides crazy (which I really don't understand, but I'll accept it if I must), but they seem to make others mad as well. Why is it that guests/potential guests seem to care so much what brides/their fiances/their parents do? When it comes to the guest list, why must brides field inquiries from those who are "insulted" that they're not invited? Why must we be forced to give excuses, like "we must have a small wedding, there's just not enough money for a big one" or "immediate family only" or "the church won't hold more than X number of guests"? I am planning a small-ish wedding for no other reason than I want one. There are plenty of funds available to me to throw a huge, first-class recpetion, but frankly, I don't want it. (Proof that not every bride wants this or needs this to feel important or to be happy.) Honestly, would a bride try to break a friendship or familial relationship by not inviting a person to her wedding? I doubt it. Whether by preference or necessity, the bride always is constrained in one way or another, so perhaps the nosy, wanna-be guests' time is better spent wishing the couple well with kind words or a note than second-guessing why their mailboxes are empty. More likely than not, it's not an effort to snub you. Relax, and be thankful you don't have to drop tons of cash on clothes, accessories, travel, hotels, gifts, etc. Also never assume you're invited to any event, ever; this puts the host(ess) in a very awkward spot (see yesterday's Miss Manners).

Going Out Gurus: This chat was in need of a down-to-earth rant. Thanks, D.C.

Alexandria, Va.: Wow -- this is a great idea and I hope you have more topical discussions in the future. A bit of background and two questions: I just got engaged and, while neither myself or my fiance are from this area, we think it would be most appropriate to get married here since this is where my guy and I have formed our life. Parental objections to the location aside, I need to find a Catholic church and reception location. We currently go to St. Mary's in Old Town, but the church is WAY too conservative for us and they aren't exactly with the times on women's liberation issues. So, my first question is, are there any Roman Catholic churches in Alexandria or Arlington with a more liberal leaning? Second question is, what are some good, unique reception locations that won't break the bank? We'll probably have 150-200 people, but don't want a wedding factory type place. Thanks for any advice you can offer!

Going Out Gurus: Don't know about the church, but maybe others do. Another reception suggestion: Consider the Barns at Wolf Trap. As I recall, they were not as expensive as a lot of places.

Bridal Portraits: One place for bridal portraits that would be good for in and outdoors may be Dumbarton Oaks. I think you have to call ahead to arrange it though.

For outside stuff, Brookside Gardens in Wheaton is wonderful. As an amateur photographer (no, I don't do weddings) I've seen many a bridal party at the Gazebo and Pagoda. Go during the week though as the weekends are too crowded

Going Out Gurus: These are both good suggestions. I forgot to mention Brookside Gardens - good call.

Washington, D.C.: I'm arranging a blow-out bachelor party for my friend. He's the first of us to get married. Will any states in the area allow contact between patrons and the dancers at strip clubs?

Going Out Gurus: You're out of luck if you're staying in D.C., where stripper-patron contact is totally forbidden. In Maryland, however, you can get lapdances to your heart's content. Try Night Shift or any of the other wonderful "Gentlemen's" clubs in Baltimore.

Astonished at the lack of manners: How many ways can you say "Don't mention gifts in an invitation!" You are not inviting their money -- you are inviting them. Most of us are adults, and will call to ask where a couple is registered. Then the person can say you are registering for few gifts and might prefer something like a gift certificate to an event (or whatever -- donation to a charity). And if the invitee is not a close enough friend or relative to call and ask, then you shouldn't invite them. Period.

Going Out Gurus: Now stick that in your invitation pipes and smoke it!

Washington, D.C.: Been invited to a "black tie optional" wedding. What does _that_ mean? Does anyone _not_ wear a tux to that?

Going Out Gurus: Uh, yeah. That's why it's optional. A regular suit with tie should be fine if you're not up for the tux.

Washington, D.C.: My niece is getting married in the fall. Her father passed away last year. Do you have any suggestion on how to be sure to include him in the wedding?

Going Out Gurus: I (Jen) recently attended a wedding where the bride's father had passed away and the minister asked for a moment of silence at the beginning of the ceremony to honor his memory. I think that's the perfect way to do it.

Rockville, Md.: Just a quick comment: While most reception sites in the area have a "preapproved list" of caterers, if you have a caterer that you want to use that's not on the list, ask your caterer to call the facility. In most cases, the site will let you use the caterer you want.

Going Out Gurus: Good suggestion. Thanks.

Northern Virginia: How does a couple go about asking parents for help paying for the wedding? Especially when one set of parents aren't the most open, loving people.

Thanks.

Going Out Gurus: Hmm. I (Anne) suggest you tell them you're making your budget and ask if they want to contribute anything to the wedding so you can plan. You won't sound like you're expecting them to help, and you'll know what your budget is if they can't. I think we've all heard stories about how the people paying for the wedding exert a lot of control over the planning. Maybe you'll be happier being that person in control.

Sterling, Va.: To the person looking to buy a nice dress off the rack, try Gossipia in Alexandria. I just went there this past weekend and thoroughly enjoyed their selection. I walked out with my dress for September.

Going Out Gurus: Another fan of Gosspyia.

Re: Plus size needs help: Try going to Macy's. Make an appointment with one of their personal shoppers (it's free).

They are REALLY good and can help you find something more your style (not matronly).

Going Out Gurus: Yes, I remember we'd had that suggestion once before. Thanks!

Re: Reasonably priced photographer: It depends on what "reasonably priced" means. I'm getting married in July and I am paying over $1,000 for a photographer, but he will be there all day, I get all the negatives and proofs and a photo album. You need to know what you are looking for to determine what is a good price. And different photograhpers charge different rates depending on the time, location, type of film, etc. Do your homework when picking a wedding photographer!

Going Out Gurus: For what you're getting, that price definitely sounds reasonable. And yes, people should definitely do their homework on this once because costs add up. Unlike other vendors, you also may have to deal with your photographer for months after the wedding, so you definitely should like him or her personally.

Judiciary Square, Re: Last-minute wedding dress: What about the White House in Union Station (and other locations) for a white dress to get married in? I've never shopped there, but they only carry white clothing, until you step into the other half, the black something or other.

Going Out Gurus: Easy-to-find white dresses.

Tyson's Corner, Va.: I just asked about any good bands in the area and Joe was nice enough to refer me a couple. Do you know if any of these bands have Web sites or do you know a way I can get in touch with them?

Going Out Gurus: Hello Tyson's, here you go:

Hula Monsters

Ruthie and the Wranglers

The Grandsons

Last Train Home

You can also check out washingtonpost.com's mp3 page which has information and songs for tons of local bands. Of course, lots of them don't play weddings, but you can still check it out.

re: David's Bridal: There is also one in Rockville, on Rockville Pike, right near White Flint Mall. Reasonably priced wedding and brides maids dresses...

-Bride on a Budget

Going Out Gurus: Yes, David's Bridal often has marked-down dresses.

Re: Catholic Churches: Most churches require you to actually BE a member of that parish, so shopping for a church is not like picking out a wedding reception hall. The most liberal Catholic church I'm aware of is Holy Trinity in Georgetown.

Going Out Gurus: Holy Trinity, are you listening?

Washington, D.C.: Even if you could find a liberal-leaning church in Northern Virginia, they are extremely reluctant to allow non-parishioners to get married there. I suggest you find an accommodating priest (try Fr. Kelley at St. Martin's in D.C.) to marry you in a Roman Catholic ceremony at a non-church site.

Going Out Gurus: More advice on church-selection.

Table Decor Ideas: Two inexpensive ideas for table decorations:

A good friend of mine rented beautiful potted orchids for her tables. She used them at the bridesmaids' luncheon, rehersal and reception. They were beautiful and cost much less than doing separate flowers for all those occasions. At the reception she also had empty vases on some of the tables and when the bridal party got there we put our bouquets in them.

For my sister's outdoor reception, we put oil lanterns on the tables. We already owned them, so there was no spending at all for us, but they're not that expensive and might be cheaper than flowers.

Going Out Gurus: Nice - Thanks.

Asking for $$ from parents: DON'T! Especially if you feel they will not be forthcoming. Suck it up, save, and pay for it yourselves.

Going Out Gurus: Another opinion.

Liberal Churches: St. Charles in Arlington is very liberal. I
opted against some Alexandria ones for that
reason. We (my fiance and I ) live together and
St. Charles is very accepting of that. They
don't look down their nose at you like
some churches in this area do.

Going Out Gurus: More experiences on churches.

To the size 20: J.C. Penneys. No kidding! They have a large bridal and prom department with gowns of all sizes, designed for young women.

Going Out Gurus: More tips for dresses.

Carlyle House: Has anyone out there in reader-land gotten married or been to a wedding at Carlyle House in Old Town? We're thinking about getting married there and would like anyone's feedback. Thanks GOGs (or are you the WeGs now?)!

Going Out Gurus: We don't know what we are anymore. But we're passing on your question.

Falls Church, Va.: To Alexandria, Va., who just got engaged -- congratulations! You are fine in the Arlington diocese as long as you aren't living together. The Catholic church may have gotten more liberal in some places, but Arlington isn't one of them! Good luck to you.

Going Out Gurus: Another opinion on Arlington's churches.

Liberal Roman Catholic church in Alexandria, Va.: Check out Blessed Sacrament off of Braddock Road.

Going Out Gurus: And one for Alexandria.

Alexandria, Va.: Is there a conservatory or indoor garden area in the D.C. metro area where you can hold weddings and/or receptions?

Going Out Gurus: There are a number of places like this, some of which already have been mentioned: Meadowlark Gardens, Brookside Gardens. If you're having a small wedding, there's also McCrillis Gardens in Bethesda.

Baltimore, Md.: Engagement ring: I recently got engaged and my fiance and I agreed on a moussinite stone ring (looks like a diamond )which you can get from Landau Jewelers in Tysons. Just like the real thing, baby! It's absolutely gourgeous and 10th the price of a diamond.

Going Out Gurus: Rhome and I say: It's all about that mall store called Imposters or something -- where they sell the good-looking Austrian crystal rings. She might never know the difference, and neither will her co-workers (unless her boss is Ronnie Mervis, and in that case, he should be buying the damn thing).

So, has anyone noticed? Or asked?

Washington, D.C.: We are considering holding our wedding at an intimate temple. The only problem is that we are limited to 100 people attending the wedding. Is there a tactful way to invite close friends and relatives to the wedding and reception, and everyone else to just the reception? What is the etiquette in this sort of situation?

Going Out Gurus: Yes, there is a tactful way to do this. Just send the reception-invitees a reception invitation and send the others two invitations - one to the ceremony and one to the reception. People will understand. I (Jen) recently attended a wedding where this was done, and it worked out just fine. And if anyone's miffed by it, just tell them to get over themselves.

Arlington, Va.: I think Fritz and Rhome should write a wedding advice book so that engaged women (and I am one) get a sense of perspective on how idiotic and often neurotic many of the things they worry about are in the grand scheme of things and, more importantly, to know what really is going on in a guy's head when we ask stuff like "sweetie, do you prefer the ivory or ecru wedding invitations?"

Going Out Gurus: Fritz: Kate says that might be too much like the Man Show, but without all the sex. I replied, "Then it's not the Man Show." Really, I bet that most men are like this -- if I get married, I sure don't care about matching Jordan almonds and scattered rose petals and whether the reception site is self-catering. I'd rather go to Vegas and get married by Elvis. End of story.

Rhome: Yeah!

Left coast: I have no question, just the comment that I am a Sierra Leonean who is very impressed with, and pleased that you mentioned the horrors in my country with respect to the diamond industry. Thanks. I am happy that the word is getting out.

Going Out Gurus: Someone has to have a conscience.

Columbia, Md.: Recommendation: We hosted our April 27 wedding for 350 guests at the Waterford at Fair Oaks in Fairfax, Va. and it was fantastic. The staff, food, and ambiance was spectacular.

Going Out Gurus: Congratulations, Columbia.

Baltimore, Md.: Moussanite:

I don't think anybody has noticed or asked. There was a 20/20 report several months ago about it and even some jewelers couldn't tell the difference. Check it out at landau.com.

Going Out Gurus: That's tight. We say, "You go, girl!"

Washington, D.C.: Here's a stellar caterer for you: Occasions. We used them for our wedding and people still talk about the food three years later. And they were the least expensive among top-end caterers.

Going Out Gurus: I agree, D.C. Kate here and I get excited at the sight of their purple truck.

Alexandria, Va.: I got married last year, and wanted to share some recommendations: our photographers, Coburn-Goldman, were reasonably priced and great to work with. Very down to earth. Our florist was Wisteria in Alexandria, and the flowers were gorgeous! I also recommend Heidelburg Bakery for cakes.

Going Out Gurus: Lovely, Alexandria thanks for sharing.

Arlington, Va.: Re: Table decorations. I've asked my future mother-in-law to design and make all the table decorations. She gave me three options; I picked one. It's been a great way to bond with her, AND to make her feel involved in her son's wedding.

Going Out Gurus: Nice idea. Thanks.

Happily Unmarried: WORST DISCUSSION EVER. I can understand the bachlorette angle, but all the other marriage issues should be addressed by the "Staying In Gurus."

Going Out Gurus: Wait a second ... are you Comic Book Guy?

Reston, Va., Re: Carlyle House: That was my second choice for a site. It's a good place, but be aware of the limitations -- the balcony will be your main reception area, as the house is small. They cover it, and it is nice though.

Going Out Gurus: More about Carlyle - thanks.

Marry Me Fritz!: My guy wants the traditional girl-in-a-huge-white-dress gig.

Vegas and Elvis -- what more could a girl want!

Going Out Gurus: That is so, so, so uncool. Why do you want to marry a big dollap of meringue? I have enough stress in my life. I'd never want to go through that whole rigamarole -- let alone someone I loved.

By the way, my mother has offered to pay for me to elope to Vegas when the time comes, just to save her sanity. I'll probably take her up on it.

Yeah, Vegas and Elvis - what more does a boy need?

Washington, D.C.: Yep -- I got my wedding dress at Davids Bridal for $150! And best thing is, it looked expensive. For something you are only going to wear once, there is absolutely no point in buying a $1,000 dress.

Going Out Gurus: Hot deals.

Somewhere, USA: Sears has a plus-sized women's catalog with lots of nice, cheap evening wear.

Going Out Gurus: And more on department stores.

Washington, D.C.: Help! I am desperate need to find someone to perform my ceremony in August.

We aren't religious, can't find a judge and at this point about to pay a friend to dress up in a minister suit. We are currently investigating the Washington Ethical Society. ANY HELP WOULD BE APPRECIATED!

Thanks

Going Out Gurus: A friend of mine used someone from the Washington Ethical Society and was pleased. You might also try calling some Unitarian churches in the area, which is what I (Jen) did. But hustle, because a lot of them may be booked.

Arlington, Va.: Re: St. Charles

It is very liberal and takes the perspective that welcoming people into the church community regardless of their living situation, ect. is a much better approach than being judgemental.

I would recommend that you contact one of the priest there, or Deacon John, before calling up and saying you want to get into marriage prep there. While they are not adverse to working with couples they don't know who aren't parishoners, I think it's courteous to establish a relationship before requesting a "favor."

For the record, I am a member, and when my fiance and I went to our pre-Cana orientation, we were one of two couples -- out of nine -- who were members (and some folks were from a decent distance from Arlington, so I think the secret on St. Charles is out re: liberal).

Going Out Gurus: Thanks for your advice!

Re: Halycon house: I attended a wedding there a year and a half ago, and it was fabulous. The hors d'oevres were served outside with that fantastic view of Georgetown and the river, and then the dinner proper was downstairs in the large hall. The house is well decorated without being frumpy or over-done, and the whole ambiance was really nice.

The only down side is parking. There is none, but the bride and groom provided a bus between the church and the house, and no one seemed to mind.

Going Out Gurus: Thanks for the feedback.

Dupont Circle, Washington, D.C.: THANK GAWD for you! My fiance and I are planning on getting married next June. It is just the two of us (no family), we are both 37 and want to do something special. We thought about getting married in Italy (Amalfi Coast or Tuscany) and then traveling Europe. With my preliminary planning, the packages for the two of us are extremly high and don't even include airfare. I would like to wear a very wispy-sheer dress like Cindy Crawford did. No veil, no church, very simple. As it is wherever we go, it appears our witnesses will be provided by whoever marries us. My question: I think I want to do it on a beach at sunset and keep it closer to home. Mexico, Caribbean, cruise ship, but not Europe. Can you offer some help?

Going Out Gurus: Beautiful places, Dupont, like the beaches of Hawaii, Bahamas, Florida and Amalfi have made cottage industries of the marriage business. Most medium/large hotels can organize everything for you -- and if large hotel isn't your style, you don't have to stay more than a day or two before renting a boat, motorbike, Airstream and taking off for your private fantasy location.

Re: Catholic Churches: I agree that Holy Trinity is one of the more liberal churches. I am not Catholic (fiance is) and I was terrified about the pre-marriage counseling. Holy Trinity was an awesome experience and I promised them I would spread the word.

Going Out Gurus: This may be the most religious discussion we've had yet.

Los Angeles, Calif.: For bachlorette party:

1. Hop a flight to Vegas.
2. Head up to Philly and go to The Cave. Awesome as far as male strip clubs go. As an added (?) bonus, you are actually ENCOURAGED to touch the men. Bizzarre but true. Reason #862 why it pays to be a chick.

Going Out Gurus: Methinks YOU need to write a book, listing reasons 1-861. And none of them better involve weddings! -- Fritz

Washington, D.C.: Hey guys! I just got married a few weeks ago and used a husband/wife team of photographers. Goodman/Van Riper photography. They were so great! Unobtrusive, definitely more into candid shots then formal portraits. Equal black and white and color shots. I don't have their number, but I know they are listed.

Going Out Gurus: Thanks, D.C. Kate here, and here's their number: 202/362-8103.

Washington, D.C.: Do you know of any interesting, attractive, yet reasonably priced place to hold a reception? Prices around here can get outrageous, but unfortunately I'd like to look in the city or very close.

Going Out Gurus: Not too far outside the city you can find Rockwood Manor. This is a Montgomery County parks property off MacArthur Blvd. near Great Falls. It's very nice and less expensive than a lot of the places you may have already seen.

Silver Spring, Md., Re: landau: FYI, the Web site is http://landaujewelry.com/, not landau.com.

Looks like the real thing to me!

Going Out Gurus: There you have it.

Falls Church, Va. -- photographers: Rita Malone in Falls Church is great and reasonably priced. She doesn't assemble albums, but soon after the wedding, she will present you with tons of 5 by 7's and a notebook full of negatives and recommendations on where to get your enlargements made.

We liked her personally and she did a great job for us.

Going Out Gurus: Another photog recommendation.

Venue Suggestion: Don't forget the Car Barn in Georgetown. Huge windows with gorgeous views. I've been a guest there and it's a very classy place to hold a wedding.

Going Out Gurus: And another venue suggestion...you all are filled with ideas.

Washington, D.C.: Engagement ring advice: antique rings, found in antique stores not jewelry stores. Ten times cheaper and a lot more original and beautiful, in my humble opinion. Check out Old Town jewelry stores there is a lot to choose from; some as low as $200.

Going Out Gurus: Good advice, Washington. You might also want to wander around downtown Annapolis or even head up to the antique shops at Savage Mill.

Just Asking, Maryland: Instead of having a traditional wedding, I was thinking about inviting my parents and sibling and their spouses, along with my groom's parents and sibling, to Hawaii for a week and getting married there. We would pay their travel and accommodation cost. I would just invite family not to offend anyone. Also, I was thinking of maybe planning activities such as a spa trip for maybe half the week. The rest of the week, they could explore on their own. Since my family would barely know his family, I think it would be a good time to get acquainted. The wedding could be towards the end of the week. From there, the groom and I would leave from the island on which we were staying with our family and go to another one for our honeymoon, which would last a week. After honeymooning, we would come home and have a week to spend together before going back to work. Simple and Sweet. Further, I could definitely control the cost given we could probably do the whole thing for around $15,000.

Has anyone done this sort of thing? If so, did you feel cheated for not having a bunch of guests and gifts, etc. In other words, was the planning and coordinating, etc. worth the headache?

Going Out Gurus: Hi Maryland, Kate here. I lived in Honolulu, so trust me, this is done all the time. It sounds like you know exactly what you want and that some of the details might be shared among family members. Isn't you're job to tell them you're paying, where they're staying and when to show up. Their job is to get along, right? I doubt friends feel offended by "family only" and it doesn't preclude having a party here does it?

Anyone else want to chime in?

Reston, Va.: Not a question just an observation. A wedding is NEVER an opportunity to think about the loot you're going to receive. Asking for money is totally out of the questions and if you receive a gift you do not want or need, too bad! Be gracious, send a thank you note and sell it in a yard sale later if you don't need or want it. This whole entitlement of I'm getting married and I want, fill in the blank, is just childish. I received many gifts that were not to my taste or liking, but I used them for a year when the gift giver came to visit then discreetly sold them in yard sales later. I just told the gift giver, when asked, that it broke, or some other excuse. It is never OK to look down on a present or hurt someone's feelings.

Going Out Gurus: Man, people sure get fired up about wedding gifts. Thanks for the post, Reston - by the way, when's your next yard sale?

Burtonsville, Md.: I'm in a theme wedding. It's Rennaissance. What do I do with my hair (a 2-inch long pixie style)?

Going Out Gurus: If it's only two inches, you can't do much. Put a ring of flowers in it - that's Renaissance-esque, isn't it?

Middle Eastern rehersal dinner: For the person looking for Middle Eastern cuisine for their rehersal dinner, try calling Meze in Adams Morgan. You can probably reserve the whole upstairs, which is really cool, has its own bar, and it would be nice and personal. Plus, the food is awesome.

Going Out Gurus: If it's big enough, Meze is an option.

DC: Blair Mansion - yuck! Tacky, run down, horrible food.

Going Out Gurus: Another opinion.

Washington, D.C.: Any advice on warm, beachy, honeymoon spots during hurricane season? We don't have the time, money or desire to go to Hawaii.

Going Out Gurus: Have time to go to Cali? The frequency of hurricanes in the Pacific is much less than that in the Atlantic. This is Anne, a new fan of deluxe Santa Barbara. Check our weekly Web airfare specials column.

Rockville, Md.: For Capitol Hill --

If you don't want to purchase your own alcohol, you can ask your caterer about their policies for returning unopened bottles of alcohol. Some places take them back and you can save money that way. Also, you may want to consider just having beer and wine, another way to cut costs. If you're considering having wedding favors -- don't, another way to save money.

Going Out Gurus: Thanks and to the bank, Rockville.

Washingotn, D.C.: My question isn't Washington-specific, but I hope you'll still help me out.

I'm supposed to throw a bachelorette-type party in a few weeks for my friend (who used to live in D.C. until a few months ago -- does that help?!). Here's why I'm stumped: She is definitely not into the standard bachelorette fare, so no veil-wearing, no life-saver shirts, no kissing-of-other-men. And since the party will be in Denver -- a city I'm pretty unfamiliar with and to which she is pretty new -- I can't just rely on standard favorite and familiar locations I know she would enjoy.

I guess I'm just looking for some brainstorming assistance -- I am hoping against hope that you (or maybe the chatters?) would have some fun suggestions.

Going Out Gurus: See if you can find some resources on the Web about bars and clubs in Denver, for starters. Also ask the bride if there are places she's like to go.
And if all else fails, host the party at someone's house and pick a theme: "Sex and the City" (I've suggested this before), retro, tropical, whatever. I've long wished that someone would invite me to a "Xanadu" bachelorette party, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Got minister?: For a friend of mine's wedding, another friend of mine got ordained as a minister in the Universal Life Church so he could do their wedding. Used to be ads in the back of Rolling Stone, but now they've got Web sites (click on "ordain me").

So have a friend officiate this important day!

Going Out Gurus: Don't laugh, but I (Fritz) did this on a lark back at university. I wanted to get to the point where I could forgive sins, because, well, you know, those were the days. So, yeah, I can give absolution, but I'm not sure which states (if any) will allow me to marry anyone. The Web site is http://www.ulc.org.

FunkyTown, Washington, D.C.: I'd like to have a jazz theme at my wedding/reception. Any ideas on how to pull off a cool, swank affair that isn't too formal? Any ideas about decorations, favors, etc.? I'm more of an indiebride.com kinda bride. Thanks a bunch!

Going Out Gurus: If you're not having many people, you could try hosting it at a swank restaurant with a private room. It would be cool if you could somehow decorate the place to look like a jazz club from the '40s or something. Look around at some of your old jazz records, or at books about the era, and see what inspires you.

Arlington, VA: DC will register ULC ministers; you just have to jump through a few hoops.

Alexandria and Arlington will not, and Fairfax will not register out of town ministers. Prince William MIGHT register ULC folks, but apparently many counties in Virginia will not.

I don't know about ULC ministers in MD.

Going Out Gurus: Thanks.

Logan Circle, DC: Why does everyone assume that women want to get married in their 20s? I'll take Elvis and Vegas sometime in my 30s. I love being a hip, single 20-something and wouldn't give up the freedom for anything.

Going Out Gurus: You tell 'em, Logan Circle. Carrie Bradshaw undoubtedly agrees with you.

Frederick, MD: There seems to be something of an undercurrent here that people should keep it simple - and that's fine if that's what you want. But, it also seems that a lot of people think there's something WRONG with wanting to "do it up" (i.e. big wedding, nice ring, expensive dress, etc.). There are only a dozen, at most, truly monumental, life-altering days in one's life, and many of those you can't plan for (e.g. death of a parent, child, whatever) so why not go wild on your wedding and treat yourself to extravagence, if that is what you want. People are too judgmental both ways, either you're seen as poor if you do it on the "cheap" or you're a snob/materialistic if you want to do it up just once.

Sorry, just a rant from the opposite view.

Going Out Gurus: No problem.

Annapolis, Md.: Re: Bachelor parties

My fiance went to one recently at Pintail Point on the Eastern Shore -- all the guys loved it. It has a shooting range and a whole bunch of things to do.

Going Out Gurus: Thanks. Great idea.

For Logan Circle: If you are so happy being single and hip in your twenties, hy are you participating in a weddings chat. Seems ludicrous to me.

Going Out Gurus: Maybe they're curious how the other half lives?

washingtonpost.com: Wow, we were overwhelmed by the number of questions. We're sorry we couldn't get to everyone, but thanks for your enthusiastic participation. The next time you juggle a glass of wine and a napkin filled with canapes at a wedding reception, we hope you think of us.

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