Non-traditional Weddings
With Lori Leibovich
Indiebride.com Editor
Friday, June 21, 2002; 2 p.m. EDT

Why do I have to wear a white wedding dress? How do I break it to my parents that I don't want to get married in a church? Instead of a cake can I just have a really big wedding cookie?

Lori Leibovich, editor and founder of Indiebride.com, was online to discuss her site and dish out alternative wedding advice.

Below is the transcript.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Lori Leibovich: Hi everyone.
Thanks for joining me!

Philadelphia, Pa.: I don't know about others, but my idea of a dream wedding is a small (I'm talking 10 people or less) private ceremony, followed by a great b-b-que party with a calypso or zydeco band for all our friends and assorted relatives. Who needs all that white dress/banquet hall headaches?! Am I a throwback or something? Our local paper here had an article recently about weddings in the area costing upwards of $100,000! Good Grief!

Lori Leibovich: Believe it or not, in New York City weddings can cost well over 100K...

And no, you're not a throwback. I think more and more brides and grooms are questioning the "wedding industrial complex" and opting for smaller, simplier ceremonies and parties.

Washington, D.C.: Just a comment about the cake thing:
Watching me and my (now ex-) husband reduced to infants over an expensive wedding cake, ruining expensive clothes and makeup in the process (not one of my prouder moments), may have contributed to my sister's decision to have individual home-baked apple pies on each table at her reception. They were delicious, much less expensive than a cake, and no one ended up wearing any.

They even froze a whole one to eat on their anniversary.

Lori Leibovich: At our wedding we served chocolate and vanilla cupcakes and instead of the traditional bride and groom cake topper we had marzipan replicas of our dog and cat! It was a big hit.

Arlington, Va.: I just want to thank you for filling a serious need. People make assumptions when you get engaged, and it's great to have indiebride and the Anti-Bride Guide to support those of us who opt out of the wedding-industrial complex.

We're having a very nontraditional ceremony that reflects who we really are. We chose not to have attendants (best man and best woman instead, plus readers and toastmakers). Yet we're still throwing the best party we've ever put together. (I hope!)

I test drove wedding makeup and I cannot tell you how thrilled the artists were that I am not wearing white! They ran with it.

My best advice is to do what feels right to you and your partner. Don't listen to people who say, "But you have to . . ."

And I encourage people to examine "traditions" and their origins before blindly following them.

Lori Leibovich: Bravo to you and your fiance for planning a wedding that you feel comfortable with. You'd be surprised how many couples get lost in the planning process and end up doing things that they later regret.

Washington, D.C.: Hi, Lori --
I suppose my wedding was non-traditional, and not $20,000 either. Here's what my husband and I did:

1. Interviewed several caterers, and our "winner" did dinner, the wedding cake, AND the table flowers (bud vases). Gave us several references who all raved about him.
2. Found a multi-faith minister for our interfaith marriage in the New York bridal magazine. We interviewed her and went over the ceremony paragraph by paragraph.
3. Made a BUDGET of $50 per guest and STUCK TO IT.
4. Found a tea length wedding gown (no train or veil) for $350.
5. Chose bookmarks with a poem on them as an inexpensive guest present.
6. Compared bands and went over the song list with the one we picked (so we could avoid the "Macarena"!)
7. Chose a photographer who let us keep the proofs and stayed for the entire ceremony and reception.

Our guests remember our wedding for the great food and cake, our gracious officiant, and the rain finally ending so we could go outside for pictures.

The only thing I'd do differently would be to use MAPQUEST to enclose along with the directions.

Lori Leibovich: It sounds like you put a lot of thought into your wedding and were able to stick to your values and wishes... congratulations!

You mention one important thing that couples often forget.
Ask your photographer if you can keep your proofs and/or negatives (it will save you a lot of money) and make sure they are willing to stay for the *entire* event...Our photographer did not and he missed the best moments of the evening... the sweaty, wild dancing that lasted well into the night....

New Orleans, La.: We have decided to elope (my dream!). My parents have generously planned a big party for us a few weeks after we get back from our honeymoon. Everyone who would have been invited to the wedding will be invited to the reception. Can we still register? I'm leaning towards yes since we are entertaining guests to celebrate our marriage.

I love your Web site. Most of my friends think I'm nuts for not wanting the big production so I need to find like minds where I can.

Lori Leibovich: My gut feeling is that yes -- you can still register. People are going to bring you gifts no matter what. You might as well get what you need.

Alexandria, Va.: May I use silk flowers instead of real ones? I'd like to keep my bouquet and headpiece. We're not doing a bouquet toss (too degrading, in my opinion).

Lori Leibovich: I agree- the bouquet toss should be outlawed.
Sure, use silk flowers. Use whatever you want!

Baltimore, Md.: What are your thoughts on "regifting" -- taking a present you received and giving it to someone else as a wedding present?

I've done this before -- once with a complete set of cookware I received from an aunt (on Mom's side), that I gave later to a much younger cousin (on Dad's side).

My relatives rarely mix, so I didn't think it was a problem.

Lori Leibovich: Here's a re-gifting horror story: Friends of mine received a wedding gift from a close friend who had recently received his ph.d. When they opened the box there was a card that said "Dear ---- Congratulations on finally finishing your dissertation..." Oops!

A good way to unload unwanted wedding gifts is to donate them to a battered women's shelter... that's what we did.

Washington, D.C.: Hey --

I am so down with the non traditional wedding. I am getting married in August. Only immediage family, under 1,000. Haven't bought the dress or anything.

Here's my question for you -- how to stop well meaning friends and co-workers from trying to do all sorts of weird, traditional things? Like showers, engagment parties, etc.

All things that my partner and I don't want. I don't want to be rude but these aren't traditions I want to be a part of. I allowed one friend to have a party for us and it was horrible, exactly what we asked them not to do.

Any advice would be great!

Lori Leibovich: This is tricky. The best thing to do is to figure out something specific you *are* comfortable with -- a picnic, a trip to the ballpark, a day-hike -- so that when people offer to throw you a shower/bachelorette party etc you can politley say: "Thanks so much for the offer.If you really want to do plan something, how about a ---?" That should give them the hint. If they pursue it, and still want to hire Chippendales to serandade you, then you should probably explain to them why these traditions make you uncomfortable/freak you out.

Fairfax, Va.: Any tips for including neopagan beliefs (especially regarding women's roles: hate the whole sales-transaction history of today's marriange traditions) into a ceremony without freaking out the Christian relatives?

Lori Leibovich: who is performing your ceremony...?

Baltimore, Md.: Hi Lori,

Love your site. I am getting married in December -- we're having a early brunch wedding. Since my fiance and I already live together we wanted to have a small, casual reception for friends afterwards at a hotel or someones house.

Ever heard of this before? Ideas? Any way to break it to my mother?

Thanks!

Lori Leibovich: Your idea for a small, brunch-time reception sounds great. Hotel weddings are a lot cheaper in the daytime than the nighttime and the great thing about Dec. weddings is that often you can save a lot of $$ on flowers/decorations at hotels because they are already well-decorated for the holidays....

But depending on the place, a hotel wedding can be pretty formal. If that's not what you're looking for, I'd try to have it at a friend's house.

In terms of breaking it to your mother... She may not understand why you don't want a big-deal event, but hopefully she'll be able to appreciate your wishes.

Washington, D.C.: What do you get the couple that has everything? Literally, I have a wedding to attend this summer that is a relative of my good friend. Neither the bride or groom are a close personal friend of mine. In fact, I'd rather not go, but I'm invited and etiquette (and my friend) seem to require I attend. The prob is: these folks have $$ out the wazoo, and I naturally have none. What's a gift that says, "gave this some thought, dropped some cash" etc, without giving thought OR dropping actual cash ($50 limit)
Thanks.

Lori Leibovich: are they registered for anything under 50 bucks? If so, just get them something off their registry. At least it's something they want -- even if it's just a salt shaker.

re: Battered Womans' Shelter?: Umm...just curious, but what would a shelter do with a heavy crystal fruit bowl?

Lori Leibovich: you'd be surprised... most women in shelters are there temporarily until they can find permanent housing. Often they are starting from scratch when they move into their new homes so any household items --even a crystal bowl -- can be really useful.

Washington, D.C.: Hi Lori,

Let me just say that I love the idea of breaking tradition in weddings and having a festive affair that reflects the bride and groom's preferences! I think Indiebride.com is a wonderful brainchild!

So, what do you think about having a simple and very small ceremony (immediate family only) and then having a large reception after the honeymoon for friends and extended family? Do people feel slighted if they aren't invited to the ceremony itself? What is the best way to explain on the invitations?

Thanks!

Lori Leibovich: Personally, I would not feel slighted AT ALL if I was only invited to the party. And from what I hear anecdotally on Indiebride, it seems like more and more couples are choosing this option.

In terms of the invite, you could say something like:

John and Jo were married in Maine on May 30, 2002
Please help us celebrate this joyous occasion by joing us for coacktails and cake on June 21....

or something like that...

Alexandria, Va.: Wedding etiquette question for you:
I'm a bridesmaid in a relative's wedding. Honored to be asked, but didn't realize the work involved, plus I hate dressing up and being in pictures and planning things. (Needless to say, I'll never be a bridesmaid again).

Anyway, wedding is out of state. In the course of three days, there will be a shower, bachelorette party, plus the rehearsal dinner, wedding and reception. I gave them a nice gift at their engagement party last year; am I "required" (by the bounds of etiquette) to bring a gift to the shower and wedding, as well as pay for part of the bachelorette party (which has been planned completely without my input)? I can't afford all this plus the cost of going to the wedding. This seems like too much gift-grabbing in too little time.

Lori Leibovich: I am by NO means an authority on etiquette, but it seems to me that buying someone an engagement gift and a wedding gift is MORE THAN ENOUGH. And if you have nothing to do with planning the bachelorette party, then you shouldn't have to pay for it.

Good luck. It sounds like you're in for an exhausting weekend....

Happily married: I know its your job to dispense the advice, not mine, but I just couldn't resist throwing in my two cents. We financed our wedding for $2,000 (thank you, Dad!). It took some cost cutting, but we did it. The first thing we did is throw out the idea that a wedding has to be traditional. Marry off-season, avoid any business that is delibertly wedding-y (overpriced and "yuck"!), use greenery instead of flowers, have the reception at a restaurant instead of a hall.

Also, we were very happy with the UMCP chapel. It isn't overtly religious (a major factor for two agnostics). The many ministers on staff are used to doing non-denominational ceremonies, so they are happy to preach about love instead of God.

Lori Leibovich: You make a really good point:

"avoid any business that is delibertly wedding-y"

One of my readers just wrote in and told me that when he and his fiance were checking out sites they called an Inn that quoted them a price of $1000 to rent the place for their wedding. Later they called back and said they were interested in planning a family reunion and the price was cut in half. Anyone who uses the prefix wedding in front of their business name --wedding florist, photographer, videographer etc..-- is going to probably rip you off.

Washington, D.C.: I'm getting married next April and am already getting baraged with questions about what the color theme will be. Can't I just pick a color (say pink) and have my bridesmaids all wear a pink dress of their own choosing? Any thoughts on why doing it this way might be a bad idea?

Lori Leibovich: Pink is a hard color. If you are going to make your bridesmaids wear the same dress, or all wear dresses that are are the same color, the most humane thing to do is choose something like black. that way, there is an iota of a possibility that they might actually be able to wear the dress again, plus black flatters almost everyone.

If black won't work for April, you might think about chosing a company that makes dresses in a variety of matching colors so at least your bridesmaids will have some choice in the matter.

More on battered women's shelters...: I work at one and your suggestion to donate unwated items there is right on! Our residents have NOTHING when they come to us and need to start over from scratch. Imagine how nice it is for them to bring these lovely items with them as they rebuild their lives.

Lori Leibovich: Yeah!!

Kensington, Md.: Where were you seven years ago when I got married?! I would have loved to have sane rational people around during that time. One book I found that was very helpful was called "Weddings for Grownups." Helped me think about what my fiance & I really wanted & what was important to us. It was a good way to filter out all the extraneous fluff that the wedding industry says is important.

Lori Leibovich: I'll check out that book. thanks for the suggestion!

Adelphi, Md.: My fiance and I have decided that we don't want the big wedding cake and are serving another (better) dessert. Would it be bad manners to just get a small cake for both of us to give each other a bite of and than have the same dessert as everyone else?
Do you have any suggestions for what we can do to replace the "cake cutting" tradition. Are we just asking for trouble?

Lori Leibovich: I wouldn't replace it with anything... Just don't do it.
We didn't, and no one even noticed -- except the caterer!

Arlington, Va.: Thank you for making me a "normal" bride, whatever that means. We are getting married privately just the two of us and then taking a grand vacation to celebrate. We're both 30s professionals and finally feel free of the shackes of doing things the way others expect.

Best decision for us. But we are not sure how to break the news to friends and family. A postcard from the Caribbean. Wait til we get back? They won't be too surprised, as we've been together four years, lived together two. Any unique ideas?

Lori Leibovich: To avoid hurt feelings, I would probably tell your family before you leave about your plans. As for friends, I think sending a postcard from Caribbean is a fun idea.

Arlington, Va.: Quick question- I'll be planning my wedding soon and don't have much money, maybe $2-3000. Any ideas for a nice, cheap wedding? Meanwhile, I'm surrounded by friends with $20-30,000 budgets. Argh!

Lori Leibovich: Go to a bookstore and pick up a copy of Bridal Bargains... According to Indiebride users, it's the best book around for planning an inexpensive wedding. Good luck!

Boston, Mass.: Lori,

Indiebride is a terrific resource for those of us who are stressed out and overwhelmed by everyone else's expectations of what a wedding should be. Thank you!

Now, a budgetary question. We're investigating wedding photographers and the bids coming in are in the range of $3000-4500. We were expecting to pay about $1000 -- and we want to keep the negatives and assemble the albums ourselves. Any suggestions on how to find a photographer who won't rob us blind?

Lori Leibovich: Try posting an ad at an art school like RISD. You can probably hire 2 budding young photographers -- one to do b/w and the other color -- for about $1000.

Arlington, Va.: I'd like to make one observation after following this discussion for the past 45 minutes: you may not want a traditional wedding, but don't feel the need to bash all wedding traditions to your friends, co-workers, etc. Many of them had traditional weddings because they liked the traditions. That doesn't make them bad, just different from you.

So don't think your wedding is "better" just because it's different. Have your wedding your own way because that's what makes you and your spouse-to-be happy, not because you think it has to be the exact opposite of a traditional wedding.

Lori Leibovich: I agree entirely.

Indiebride is about having a wedding that makes you happy and comfortable, not about being anti-wedding just for the sake of it.

Washington, D.C.: How can an Indie bride be in favor of the photographer being at the whole event? I have yet to be at a wedding, even really swanky ones, where the photographer didn't shove guests out of the way to get a pic and take over the whole reception. It seems to me that bucking the wedding complex would be to focus on enjoying the event rather than documenting it. Any thoughts?

Lori Leibovich: Actually, photographer was practically invisible at our reception. We asked that he take lots and lots of candid shots - no formal table portraits -- so as far as I know he didn't bother anyone because he wasn't rounding people up for photo ops.

Colorless, USA: Why do I have to pick a color for my wedding? I'm getting married this Fall and am trying hard to pick the stuff my fiance and I care about to spend money on and forget about the stuff we don't. We aren't having attendants and we plan to decorate with whatever flowers are fresh at the farmers market the morning of the wedding. Yet everyone from the cake lady to my own mother keeps asking me what our colors are going to be. Is it any sin to not commit to a color?

Lori Leibovich: No sin at all. Even if you did have a color, no one but you would ever remember what it was. Caterers and florists want you to pick a color because it makes their jobs easier -- but don't get bullied into it.

Paganish ceremony: Probably the minister at the Unitarian church I've been attending.

Lori Leibovich: I'd look for books about paganism and spirituality and chose a few passages or readings that speak to you. (Don't worry too much about your Christian guests -- they won't faint if they hear the word 'Godess') Just make sure you go over them with your minister beforehand so he/she is familiar with the texts.

Houston, Tex.: The name dilemma: We are each keeping our last names, but are considering both using a hyphenated last name (his-mine) socially. How should we be announced? First names? Full names? Mr. and Mrs. His-Mine? Neither of us want Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast.
Thanks!

Lori Leibovich: I'd just use first names....

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

Stay tuned to Live Online:

National Symphony Orchestra's Leonard Slatkin at 3 p.m. EDT
Frontline: "Bigger Than Enron" at 3 p.m. EDT
Author: Making Marriage Work at 3:15 p.m. EDT

Did you know that you can follow more than one Live Online discussion at the same time? Just open another browser window and toggle back and forth between discussions! And, if you miss one, catch up with the Live Online transcripts.

Keep up with the latest in news, sports, politics and entertainment with washingtonpost.com e-mail newsletters.

NEW! Personalize your Post with mywashingtonpost.com. Get customized news, traffic, weather and more.

   |      |