Wedding Answers
With Jennifer Cegielski
TheKnot.com Content Director
Thursday, June 20, 2002; 3 p.m. EDT

What is the best way to pick a wedding dress? Do I really need a wedding consultant? What is a groom cake? Do I have to invite my estranged uncle? Why didn't I just elope?

Jennifer Cegielski, content director for TheKnot.com, was online to answer any questions from brides, grooms or guests on any and all wedding matters.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Jennifer Cegielski: Hello Everyone!
Thanks for joining us today and for all of the great questions you have sent in--believe me, at The Knot we know there are literally hundreds of questions a bride and groom encounter when trying to plan their wedding, and we're here to help. I will try to answer as many as I can in the next half hour. Let's go!

Houston, Tex.: Regarding Assigned Tables: I am having a plated dinner for approx 120 people (plenty of room... can have up to 250 people). The tables are round and seat only six. I'd prefer not to assign tables, mainly because if two of three couples assigned to a table bail, the remaining two would feel left out. Or if someone brings alone a few uninvited guests -- kids, cousins, great aunt Bertha in town for the day (and in my family, this happens), they would either take someone else's seat or have to sit apart from their friends. BUT, some people tell me that they hate having to find their own seat or sit next to strangers. I'm considering assigning seats for the bridal party and parents only, leaving everyone else to find their own seats. Any advice?

Jennifer Cegielski: Hi Houston
While we understand your concerns, I'd still recommend you have a seating chart. Seating charts are a work in progress. By the time you get all your RSVPs, you should have a pretty good idea who is "bailing" and who will be attending with some uninvited guests in tow. So with that in mind, leave the creation of a finalized seating chart until the last few days prior to the wedding (and do everything in pencil!). What's most important is to be flexible, and be prepared for last minute changes and it will work out fine. The pros of a seating chart outnumber the cons--you can intermix your families and friends, make sure Grandpa doesn't get the last seat next to the band's speaker, and finally get to introduce that great single guy to that great single girl you know. Good luck!

Washington, D.C.: Is one required to provide free overnight accommodations for people in the bridal party? I've heard differing opinions on this. A number of my bridesmaids will be traveling from out of state and will obviously need a place to stay. Unfortunately, I do not have the option of arranging for them to stay with friends or family in the area where we're getting married (my family is also from out of state, and I myself live more than an hour from where we will be getting married). We're on a really tight budget, but I don't want to ask them to pay for a hotel room if that is considered to be rude. Your thoughts?

Jennifer Cegielski: Hi Washington
There is no "rule" saying you have to pay for accomodations for your bridal party. When somebody accepts the honor of being an attendant it is understood that certain responsibilities and financial obligations will follow (if you suspect they're not sure, feel free to send them to The Knot, where we have articles outlining Bridesmaids and Groomsmen's duties). That being said, if this is something you can afford financially, it is a great and gracious gesture, but definitely not expected. In addition, let it be known that their presence and participation is their gift, and no further presents are necessary.

Washington, D.C.: Wondering what the etiquette is in this situation: I got married late last year, and had a big, formal wedding to which I invited family, friends, co-workers, everyone. A colleague of mine came with her then-fiancι, and they gave us a gift from our registry. Recently, they were married -- but they had a very small wedding, mostly family, to which I knew we weren't going to be invited. I helped plan her bridal shower here at the office, and made a larger contribution than I usually would to the office collection to buy her a present, but my husband and I did not send anything separate. Should we have? I thought no, since we weren't invited to the wedding -- but they did give us a gift when they came to ours, so should we have reciprocated anyway?

Jennifer Cegielski: Hi Washington:
Know that a wedding gift is never mandatory under any circumstances. It's completely up to you whether you'd like to give your colleague a gift or not, but you're certainly not obligated to. From the sounds of things, your contribution and effort at the office sounds like a great gift already.

Falls Church, Va.: How can you ask your guests not to bring their children, do you need to state it on the invitation, wait for the day before and then tell them, wait for the rsvp to arrive to see if they included their children and then call them. Its really hard to ask family to do this especially when you know that they probably won't come if they can't bring their kids. And if they do end up bringing their kids how do you keep them from breaking stuff and how do I handle the mean looks from people who didn't bring their kids, what should I tell them.
Thank you in advance for your advise.

Jennifer Cegielski: This is a tough and popular question. Technically, the only people invited to a wedding are the people to whom the invitation is addressed (ie Mr and Mrs Jones or The Jones Family). Unfortunately, not everyone is aware of this or even chooses to follow it. Know that it is not appropriate to put "Adults Only" or something similar on the invitation. So how do you spread the word? Start by telling your parents, immediate family, and attendants. That way, when they are questioned (and they will be as most people don't like to bother the bride and groom), they'll be able to answer for you. If feel like this is going to be an issue for some of your guests, you might want to look into hiring a baby sitter at your reception site.

Potomac, Md.: My bf wants to ask me to marry him but I found out he doesn't know how to do it -- in his words "I want it to be special but I don't know what to do." Are there any Web sites that I could inconspicuously send to him to give him ideas? Thanks.

Jennifer Cegielski: Ooh, lucky you! We can only wonder how you "found out" this classified information! Joking aside, you might want to enlist the aid of one of your friends or his best buddy to supply him with some of your dream ideas. This person could even do you the service of emailing him a link to our Proposals channel on The Knot (www.theknot.com/proposals). There your idea-hungry groom can be inspired by articles like "50 Ways to Pop the Question". Good luck!

Arlington, Va.: What is a reasonable budget for a wedding? The more I look into things, the higher my budget creeps. (I started with a $15,000 budget and am now creaping up to $30,000!) I don't think I am being unreasonable in my choices, so why is it so expensive? I am having the ceremony and reception in downtown D.C. Is it reasonable for it to be a little pricey due to the location or am I just not looking for bargans in the right places?

Jennifer Cegielski: Hi Arlington:
Research tells us the average US wedding costs about $20,000. That number, of course, varies widely depending on where you live, and generally increases (sometimes even doubles) in a metropolitan area. Why does it cost so much? It all boils down to labor. You are hiring a series of professionals, and this can add up. If you need help trying to allocate your resources, try The Knot Budgeter where you can input the amount you would like to spend, and we'll help you determine how much to spend on what. Like I tell every bride, choose your priorities. Decide what things you might be willing to do without in order to stay on budget. For example, choosing flowers that aren't in season can increase your floral costs dramatically; instead, give your florist your color scheme and some leeway and let him/her choose something more affordable. Want to save on your bar costs? Why not serve only beer, wine, and a signature cocktail instead of having an open bar with premium liquors. You'll find more tips like these in The Knot index keyword "Budget".

Washington, D.C.: Dear Ms. Cegielski,
We have received several generous gifts that are very nice but either are not to our taste or else duplicate what we already own. Is it OK to give these gifts as wedding presents? The gifts are unopened and now sit in our closet, waiting for a good home.

Jennifer Cegielski: While it might be tempting to regift some of these unwanted items, be careful. Many a couple have been busted doing just that. A better idea is to return/exchange these gifts. If you don't have a gift receipt or don't know where the gift was purchased, there's nothing wrong with calling the gifter and graciously inquiring where their gift may be exchanged. Your friends and family only want you to have a gift that you'll use and love.

Vienna, Va.: Hi, etiquette question here. If you are invited to a wedding but are not able to attend, should you still send a gift? What is the "proper" thing to do?

Jennifer Cegielski: You never "have" to send a wedding gift to anyone. However, if the couple who invited you is a good friend or family member you may want to send them something to wish them well on their happy occasion. Really, it's up to you and your relationship with the couple.

Alexandria, Va.: What's the best way to pick out a wedding band? I have all these demo tapes, and some of the bands are AWFUL! I've narrowed my choices to three bands. How can I make sure they really sound like they do on tape?

Jennifer Cegielski: Ah, the wonders of modern technology. I can't say enough about references. Try to narrow down some possibilities from the tapes, then ask the bands to provide you with names of couples who have used their services for their weddings. Give them a call, and find out how they felt about their performance. To get beyond the demos, find out from any band you are seriously considering if they ever perform locally, or if they ever organize demonstration nights for potential clients. Some bands may even invite you to come check them out at another wedding--if you choose to go this route, remember it is someone else's wedding. Dress accordingly, and quietly sneak in and out after a few minutes. And by all means, don't partake in the buffet or hit the dance floor!

Jennifer Cegielski: Sorry we can't answer all your questions! As you can imagine, June is an extremely busy month at The Knot. For more weddings help, I invite you to visit our site at www.theknot.com. Many of you will find answers to your further questions in our Ask Carley column and in our articles and interactive planning tools. You can also get advice from your fellow brides in our message boards and chat rooms. Thanks for joining us, and happy planning!
xoxoxo,
Jennifer Cegielski

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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