Making Marriage Work
With Iris Krasnow
Author of "Surrendering to Marriage"
Friday, June 21, 2002; 3:15 p.m. EDT

What is the secret to a good marriage? Why do so many lead to divorce today? How can newlyweds get their marriages off to a good start and what are the most common marriage misconceptions?

Iris Krasnow, author of "Surrendering to Marriage: Husbands, Wives, and Other Imperfections" was online to discuss discuss what it takes to have a successful marriage and her book.

Krasnow is the author of "Surrendering to Motherhood" and a freelance writer whose work regularly appears in The Washington Post. She is an assistant professor of journalism at American University and lives in Maryland with her husband and four sons.

This discussion has been rescheduled for Friday, June 21 at 3:15 p.m.

Below is the transcript.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Washington, D.C.: Hi Iris! Is the first year of marriage really the hardest or is that just a myth?

Iris Krasnow: it is not myth. you are going through some heaven, but probably lots of hell. stick with it, and read my book. I've been rocking and rolling for 14 years and have never been happier -- with four healthy sons!

Rockville, Md.: I think the name of your book should have been "The Respected Wife" ...surrendered seems belittling and weak. This is what I mean:

My husband and I have been married for two years, together for five. We're both in our 30's. I've never been happier and he says he hasn't either. There's passion, spark, interest and most of all respect. How do we do it? By not giving in to stereotypical ideals. My husband "swings a hammer" for a living, I'm white collar. We both work full time but I do most of the day to day cleaning and what is considered general housework. He in turn, provides whatever comforts I need whether it be shopping, a vacation, more time with him or house responsibilities (taking out the trash, fixing plumbing, home improvements and lawn care). He respects me. That's why I don't feel belittled by cooking and cleaning. He always thanks me, says he appreciates what I do and I in turn tell him the same. I've never felt so cherished and appreciated. I feel so many couples lose respect for their spouses and forget that manners mean the same to them as they would to a stranger. They get caught up in the "comfortableness" of being together all the time and lose sight of their individualness. We always think before speaking and the thought is "would I want him/her to say that to me?" "How would I feel if he/she said that to me?" Granted, my husband and I have our disagreements - but we always manage to compromise. It's never "my way" or "his way" or no way, its something we can both live with. We respect each other. Respect - that's the key.

Iris Krasnow: there is no "surrendered" in my book title. Surrendering, as in yielding to a higher power greater than our selfish desires, to our marriage covenant, to our sacred promise, is a victory. not a defeat. the --ing is key. I'm still in the process of learning and growing; it's not a done deal, as an --ed would imply. thank you.

Rockville, Md.: So what is your general advice on having a happily family life. Do you believe that there are certain habits/rituals/practices that can be cultivated to help a marriage thrive?

Iris Krasnow: don't forget to kiss and hug and love your husband or wife, along with kissing and hugging and loving your children. And make sure you have at least three meals a week, or as many as possbile, together as a family. turn off telephones, faxes, beepers, and focus fully on the people around the table. Again -- put "Love Thy Spouse" at the top of your To Do list.

Silver Spring, Md.: What does Spouse A do when Spouse A want to go to a marriage counselor, but Spouse B does not?
Spouse B also does not want Spouse A to go to a counselor alone, because Spouse B does not want Spouse A to talk about the marriage to "a stranger."

Iris Krasnow: Spouse A should go to counseling without Spouse B in this case. When Spouse A gets clear about his or her problem, and becomes a more grounded being, generally Spouse B will want to join in. In the worst of scenarios, Spouse A goes, but Spouse B decides to flee the nest, Spouse A will be a stronger being who can cope with the breakup of a marriage. I'm all for therapy with a good person who makes couples become totally honest with themselves.

Washington, D.C.: What are the most important things a couple should discuss before getting married?

Iris Krasnow: be on the same page regarding money issues, religion!!, and whether or not you want to have children. You cannot change a person on these fundamental issues, so make sure you know what you're getting, and whether or not you can live with that, before you get married!

Springfield, Va.: My husband and I have known each other since we were 17, married at 22 and will be celebrating our 10th anniversary in a few months. Overall, things are good. We are best friends and he is wonderfully supportive of my professional and creative endeavors.
My problem is that he does not like the way that my face and body have started to age. I work out, have had liposuction, wear sunblock and makeup and dress fashionably. However, I am about 20 pounds heavier then I was as a teenager and my face is starting to show some age. Sure, I would prefer if he still had all of his hair and washboard abs, but really do not think about it much. I like the way he is aging.
I wonder how other couples deal with this issue. I am not worried about him leaving me, but worried about him becoming less attracted to me as the years go by.

Iris Krasnow: this is a great question. I say, you can get all the liposcution, eye lifts, hair dye jobs you want but essentially you are still the same person. So the best thing is for you to love what's inside of you, truly love that person, and believe in that person. That way it will not matter to you how others' judge your body -- not even your husband. If you want to do some plastic surgery, it's your choice. But that doesn't last; self-esteem does. Good luck!

Alexandria, Va.: Hello -- I've been married for 3 years. I am 28, my husband is 34. We are now living in separate states for work/busines reasons, and I am seriously contemplating divorce. Our problems predate the work separation -- I suspect I married him because it was the thing to do/family pressure/being young and not having enough personal strengh, confidence, etc. to decide if it was the right thing to do. The past three years have been trying times (money issues, responsibility issues, etc.), but the last few months on my own have been liberating.

Here is my question -- how do I know when "enough is enough" and I am ready? How do you know you are making the right decision?

Iris Krasnow: sounds like you knew things were fragile when you opted to have different lives in different states. I trust there are no children; don't make any while in this state of uncertainty. good luck!

Cambridge, Mass.: Hi...my husband and I went out for about 4 years and now we've been married about 10 months. Nowadays, I sometimes crave my single life and want the fun and excitement of dating all over again. I never felt this way while we were going out but once we got married everything became so "final" that I started thinking about what I was missing. My husband is a wonderful caring person and I am very much in love with him and we have a great time together -- I would never actually do anything to jeopardise our relationship which is all-important to me. So it makes me feel guilty and disloyal and ungrateful when I want to flirt with other guys and experience all the fun of dating and getting to know a person. Am I going through a normal phase of marriage blues? Does everyone at some point or the other go through this?

Iris Krasnow: everyone goes through marriage blues. if they say they don't they either never see their spouses or they are lying. weather the blues and know sunlight is around the corner. And don't blame your blues on your spouse all the time; make sure you are doing your best to fill your own life with work you love, and good friends.

Washington, D.C.: Do you feel that a marriage's success or failure can be seen by outsiders? I feel that close siblings or friends can see if someone is happy or unhappy in a marriage (and perhaps celebrate that or help when asked), and a friend feels that there is no way anyone but the two people invovled can judge and outsiders should never say anything one way or the other about another's marriage.

Iris Krasnow: great question. No one knows what's going on between two people in a marriage except those two people, and their therapist, if there is one. So I'd be careful to give advice, and wary of taking advice. People who seem lovey-dovey may fight incessantly behind closed doors. And people who seem aloof around each other may actually be sex maniacs. So work on your own marriage; and listen to your own soul not nosey friends.

Loudoun, Va.: Iris,
I really gained a lot of insight from reading your book. My husband and I hit a rough patch at year four but we've managed to work through it and things are better than ever. I think the problem is so many people seem to be reluctant to admit there are "problems" in their marriage. I felt like I was the only person going through this and reading your book made me realize it was more common than not and no reason to "doom" the marraige. Thanks!

Iris Krasnow: thank you. I hear from a lot of people who tell me they were happy to hear that other people are miserable too! Ha! of course, not miserable all the time, but just patches of fog in the sunlight.

New York, N.Y.: I'm getting married next year and feel that I am more mature than my fiance. I don't want to have to be the one running the household and making all the financial decisions because according to him, his mom has always done everything for him so he doesn't know how to do anything. How can I get him to be more involved in the important details of a married life without getting continually frustrated?

Iris Krasnow: you need to realize that you don't change someone on such a fundamental issue as money and taking responsibility. This guy sounds like he needs to grow up before he gets married.If you are not willing to wait, you must realize that things may never change and your level of frustration will only deepen through time. Your other choice is to surrender to who he is and know you will bear the brunt of the burden at home, not only in house work, but in running a family. That would be too much for me to handle, with four sons, I know that. Good luck!

Springfield, Va.: Me again. I appreciate your response and I do feel good and like myself. I guess my question is really about how men deal with their wives aging and becoming less attractive as society defines attractive. It really is a double standard in our society (as we women find Sean Connery, Sting and other men just as attractive as they age).

Iris Krasnow: I am happy you feel good about yourself. What you need to do, then, is make changes to your physical self that you feel like making; and not let the way a man feels govern what you do. Society is changing, in that, older women are now considered beautiful well beyond 50. It is very important to work on our insides and not become obsessed with our outsides, because as Carole King sang: You are only as beautiful as you feel.

Oxon Hill, Md.: My husband lives in the basement of the house we currently rent. He barely utters a word to me and does so, only if necessary. I feel that I no longer care enough to even asking why he "lives" in the basement and I am deciding whether or not I want out. We have two school-aged daughters.

Iris Krasnow: How long has this been going on. What a horrible, lonely way to live. Get help in the form of marital counseling, and if he isn't willing to talk or explain, you may need to move on.

Norman, Okla.: Do you think the 1st year of marriage being the hardest could just apply to some people? My husband and I just celebrated our 1st year last Friday and we can honestly say that our first year was any thing but hell. We have had so much fun together and learned so much more about each other. And this past year was not easy for me -- My dad suffered with cancer, I had to file for bankruptcy because of medical bills from an accident that I had before we got married, we had financial problems, people in my family shunned me for marrying a Muslim (I am Catholic) and other just normal, growing up stuff. And even through all of that, we talked alot and got along great. Also, we never do anything that affects the household or the others' plans (no matter how trival) without consulting the other spouse. I cannot tell you how many times someone has looked at me like I am spineless because I didn't make plans or didn't buy something for the house without consulting with my husband first.

Iris Krasnow: everyone has different experiences, but many people I interviewed for the book and who have responded to the book tell me the early years of their marriage were the most difficult; if you are having heaven only, you are lucky and seem to be in the minority. Enjoy it; you obviously married the right person.

Arlington, Va.: Hello,

Do you know any good books on the history of marriage? I would like to know more about the institution from a sociological sense?

Iris Krasnow: look in the bibliography of Surrendering to Marriage; I have some great quotes in the book from other books on love relationships and I think you will find lots of good reading material in there for summer and beyond.

Washington, D.C.: Live together! I think so many people are surprised by their spouses if they have not lived with them before.
I got married one month ago and we dated for four years, lived together for two and we have a dog. Yes, getting married just made it legal, but there are absolutely no surprises. We've been through good times and bad. We both know how the other handles stress, new jobs, living together and good times. Some say that this is bad -- no surprises -- but who cares. I have absolutely no doubt that we will be together for the rest of our lives because we took that long to get to know each other and see each other through phases of life. By the way, I'm 29 and he is 30.

Iris Krasnow: I do not happen to agree about living together. I think people should marry when they are in love and curious, not when they are jaded and tired of each other. I do agree you need to know each well before marriage, but that can happen before you live together.

Regret: Iris,

I had an affair. It was stupid and I regret it. It was just like the other people in you profile in your book. It made me take a hard look at my marriage and why I did this and work with my husband to fix the things that were wrong with us. Here's my question. If I tell my husband my marriage is over. I love my husband and I made a very big mistake that I will have to live with. Our marriage was at a weak point but things are much better now. Do you think a marriage can survive and even thrive if the person that had the affair never discloses the information.

Iris Krasnow: you do not have to tell your husband if you realize why you did it, why you will never do it again, and try and forgive yourself. Marriages can survive adultery. However you will never forget it; but again, try and forgive yourself and become a better, more loving spouse. And the next time your marriage is in trouble, try and look within to fix it, instead of looking outward. good luck!

Oxon Hill, Md. -- Me again: This has been going on for almost four years now. The last time he slept in the same bedroom was in July of last year. We have not been intimate in well over a year now. He does spend time with the children and helps with household chores. But for the most part, he comes upstairs just to shower. I guess if there was a shower downstairs, I'd never see him. I feel divorced already. I'm not sure if I can continue this way "for the sake of the children," as they say.

Iris Krasnow: I think this is a huge problem and if he won't change you do need to get on with your life. I never said keep it together "for the sake of your children"; this is no model of marriage you want them to grow up in.

washingtonpost.com:

That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

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