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Funny? You Should Ask
Hosted by Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, Dec. 18, 2001; Noon EST
Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine, generating more mail than Santa gets at Christmas. Not all of it is wildly condemnatory. Some of
it is only mildly annoyed. Weingarten came to the Post in 1990 after being chased out of Miami at midnight by farmers with pitchforks and burning torches. He is also reputed to be close to persons thought to be familiar with individuals claiming to be authoritative spokesmen for the mysterious and reclusive Czar of The Style Invitational.
He was online, at any rate, Tuesday, Dec. 18 at Noon EST, ready to take your
questions, and abuse. And he'll be back every other Tuesday, so stay tuned.
He'll chat about anything.
The transcript follows.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control
over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
San Francisco, Calif.:
Wow, your Battle Mountain article made HUGE national press, I read about some of the backlash in the San Francisco Chronicle! I thought that it was a really funny article, and that it was clear that you said a lot of nice stuff about the town. And I cannot believe that they fired the editor of the paper after that bit about her at the game! That's crazy. Is this the most publicity that one of your stories has gotten in a while?
Gene Weingarten: Yes, it was on NPR's morning edition today, also. It is the most publicity one of my stories has gotten since 1992, when I wrote a piece that disclosed that Bill Clinton had a half brother he didn't know about. That became national news. I even got a call at home from Leslie Stahl. I pretended not to know who she was. I think it really ticked her off.
Oh, and hi, everybody.
Washington, D.C.:
Is there a single TV show you find funny? I'm more and more convinced that only the prime time cartoons on channel 5 are funny, and, of course, "Sesame Street."
Gene Weingarten: The funniest show on TV right now is "Family Guy,' which achieves at times a brilliance unseen since early Simpsons and 1978-9 Saturday Night Live. (Naturally, "Family Guy' is forever on the brink of cancellation.) I think The Simpsons is still good, though prone to imitate itself, as are many highly successful things. "Malcolm in the Middle' sometimes achieves genuine humor. Outside of that, I can think of few things that are trying to be funny that actually succeed. On the other hand, I find Dan Rather a hoot.
Reston, Va.:
Is it true that when you wrap Christmas presents they look like spitwads?
I'm carrying presents in luggage when I fly to Utah this weekend. They have to be unwrapped so they can be searched. What would YOU put in your suitcase for the National Guard to find?
Gene Weingarten: Yes, Dave was referring to me. Yes, i wrap presents in 15-minutes, and they look like enormous spitballs. And the following anecdote is true: I repair antique clocks. Several years ago, I had repaired a cuckoo clock for my parents, and was bringing it home to them on a plane. It was in my carry-on luggage. As it was going through security, they stopped the conveyor belt and looked at the suitcase. And everything stopped. Two security guards came running over and pinned my hands to my sides. At that point, and only that point, I realized something. The weights of a cuckoo clock are iron, with scalloped sides, and on x-ray they look exactly like grenades. Had this happened today, I simply would have been shot on the spot.
Laurel, Md.:
What is your take on the recent Osama tape? Am I the only one who thinks it was pointless to release it, that it was little better than pornography, that it did nothing but cause the families more pain and give the rest of us one more chance for a good wallow? I know this isn't a question about humor, but I think you might have opinions about other things.
Gene Weingarten: I think releasing the Osama tape was absolutely essential. There were too many people around the world propping up their ethnic hatred and religious fanaticism behind the claim that our pursuit of bin Laden was a frame-up. The appalling number of people clinging to the
insupportable myth that, somehow, Israelis perpetrated the attacks and warned all Jews to stay away --this needed to be answered. Now, after the tape, it is still possible to argue that this was not a bin Laden atrocity, but only by someone who is obviously bubbling in his own bouillabaisse of hate and prejudice, and has blinded himself to the truth. I think the tape neatly divides the world into those who see the horror and condemn bin Laden, and those
who are bad people. Very, very necessary.
Hm. That wasn't very funny, was it?
Falls Church, Va.:
So who loses their job this week?
Gene Weingarten: You, if you are a copyeditor.
San Jose, Calif.:
Dear Lisa (or producer du jour), Gene and/or IS Czar --
A while back you answered a question on the murder rate in D.C. Can you tell me how many murders are committed, on average, per day in the United States?
Please answer the question in 50-75 words and employing iambic pentameter and both the phrases "first corollary of propinquity" and "whorehouse encomium."
Also, (Gene) have you ever considered a joint column with you, Marc Fisher and Bob Levey on the joys of Inside the Beltway life? Would the Czar consider this?
Gene Weingarten: Dunno about iambic pentameter.
It's difficult to write and think witty
Due to the first corollary of propinquity
Which holds that you cannot have your mirth
Close by to things like death, and dearth
Of human kindness here on earth.
T'would be a whore who'd have his fun with that
Paid to perform so cruelly in a computer chat
Forty thousand dead would speak as one
Return your whorehouse encomium, you son of a gun.
(Do you guys have any idea how hard that was, on deadline?)
Napa, Calif.:
I know he's a national treasure and a local institution, but -- what's Bob Levey REALLY like?
Gene Weingarten: Yogi Berra.
Bethesda, Md.:
Last week I asked about younger siblings being funnier, and now your last column begs another over-generalization. Do you think funnier people (or creative ones) are more likely to use drugs or alcohol? Again, my younger siblings alter their minds more than I do, but in your column you claim to have a low tolerance.
Gene Weingarten: I don't think there is any correlation between substance abuse and a sense of humor.
Thank you. You read that, Don Graham? Splendid. Ok, no reason to hang around this chat anymore. That's pretty much it. Nice to have you. Thanks.
(Hang on a second folks, while Don leaves.)
Okay, now let me say this: Remember when all the presidential candidates were falling over backwards to deny that they had ever had so much as a whiff of grass back in the 60s? Well, you know, that didn't make me think they were particularly engaged human beings.
I think to be funny you need to be fascinated by life. I think if you are fascinated by life, you try things, different things. At some point. To see.
Southern Maryland:
Maybe this is a topic that has been discussed elsewhere, but as you are the leading spokesperson for the multinational humor industry, maybe you can take a stab at answering: why are the "funnies" so decidedly un-funny? There are a few such as Dilbert that start off great, but after a while it just becomes the same joke retold over and over. But even then, there are plenty that are just plain lame from the start. Is it the syndicates’ insistence on blandness? Is it a passive-aggressive thing? The only strip in the Sunday comics page that I find interesting is Mark Trail, and that’s just for purely theological reasons –- I find it oddly comforting to have this genial, omniscient figure telling me all about cricket stridulation and the other wonders of Earth’s fauna (in fact, I’d like to start a cult; is there any kind of paperwork I need to fill out for that?) And does anybody bother to read Prince Valiant?
Gene Weingarten: You know, there are comic strips that were funny nearly every day, and most of them were the first few years of the strip. BC at the beginning was hilarious. So was, believe it or not, Hagar the Horrible. People run out of ideas. Also, as I alluded to before, they start imitating themselves.
I think The Far Side and Calvin and Hobbes both remained funny throughout the length of the strip, and both guys quit when they felt drained. They refused to become chained to mediocrity, because it paid well. To me, for this reason, they are Gods. Bill Watterson and Gary Larson. Gods. Charles Schulz was not a God.
Gaithersburg, First Suburb of American Humor, Md.:
Gene,
You want teevee funny? "Becker" is funny. Vicious wicked despairing funny. Especially the blind guy jokes.
But I'm more interested in souls today. The president said the other day that Osama doesn't have one. "He has no soul," or words to that effect. Dubya knows all about souls. He looked into Putin's, you may recall, and liked it.
But Osama? Isn't the pronouncement that he has no soul just another way of demonizing and dehumanizing the enemy? Of course he has one. It's all green and black and has worms in it and frayed wires sticking out and a misspelled return address. He has a soul like Stalin or John Wayne Gacy or somebody, the kind that will get him reincarnated as a frog.
Oh, and "Everybody Loves Raymond" is funny. Plus his wife is hot. I should get out more.
Gene Weingarten: I agree his wife is hot. That's about it.
Alexandria, Va.:
What ever gave you the idea that you were funny? I don't know anyone who's so much as cracked a smile, much less laughed, at anything you've ever written. Let's start the Badwagon. Cheer the Redskins on to defeat. Ho ho. I'll now commence drinking to see if this anti-hangover pill works. Ha ha ha. I'll call someplace in Nevada the "armpit of America," being so lazy that I won't even come up with an original phrase, instead relying on a cliche. Stop it. I can't take anymore. Tee hee hee. Oh, my stomach hurts from laughing so much. That you're employed as a humor columnist proves the Washington maxim that incompetence is rewarded.
Gene Weingarten: Is there anyone who wishes to respond to this person? I will print the funniest response.
New York, N.Y.:
How many cats were killed?
What's your deal with Meg Ryan?
Who has the worst hair -- you, Achenbach or Loeb?
Gene Weingarten: I will match my hair against anyone's, bad-hair-wise. My hair is worse than Einstein's.
Charlottesville, Va.:
So, have you heard from the dismissed editor? Has she been on Oprah yet? Will she be able to parlay her new-found fame into a Playboy spread or a copy editor job in Winnemuca or Elko?
Gene Weingarten: She's taking it with remarkably good humor. Is working on a novel. You have to remember, all that happened to her is that she lost a job in Battle Mountain, Nevada.
Yes, her former employers are spineless morons.
Yes, I am writing about this.
To the Washpost.com Moderator:
Please remind Mr. Weingarten to go potty BEFORE the chat starts. Thank you.
washingtonpost.com:
Done and done.
Gene Weingarten: YOU FORGOT TO REMIND ME!
washingtonpost.com:
Oops. Have a piece of bread.
YouGene, Ore.:
Who's Leslie Stahl?
And why can't you get Geraldo Rivera fired?
Gene Weingarten: True: When I was 20 years old, I wrote a story about teenage streetgangs in New York magazine, and then got to spend a day with Geraldo Rivera, helping him do a segment on the gangs. At the end of the day, I told my girlfriend that I believed I had spent the day with the largest butthole imaginable. But I was SO wrong. Look how far he has grown since then.
Arlington, Va.:
Taking that tack, how would you feel about your kids being interested in life and trying drugs?
Gene Weingarten: This refers to a previous answer, in which I said that I thought funny people are interested in life, and people interested in life try things, including "substances." Yeah, I would sort of assume that at some point in their lives, my kids have/will try some substance. And that they will decide, because i hope i raised them right, that this is either not for them or for them in moderation. Hey, I was clearly instructed by my parents not to imbibe, smoke or drop anything. It sure did a lot of good, that advice.
Funny Comics:
The problem here is that The Post doesn't carry any of the comics that are actually funny. Like FoxTrot. Can we start a petition? I'd like to see that awful comic about the rednecks (the name of which I can't even remember) dropped. Talk about not funny. Loweezy!
Gene Weingarten: Fox Trot ain't bad. Hey, wait. This could be important. Any nominees for comics we do not carry that we should? Also, which comics that we do carry are bad? Maybe I can lobby the comics person.
Gambrills, Md.:
Sooooo... Michael Getler lives in Alexandria?
Gene Weingarten: That was a reply to the guy who thinks I am an unfunny idiot who shouldn't be in the Washington Post.
Reston, Va.:
Gene, your article on Sunday makes one thing clear. You are such a lightweight! I used to be able to put away a fifth of bourbon by noon!
By the way, did you know that there AA meetings all over the DC area? Some of the members are in their early teens.
Gene Weingarten: Yes, I understand. Alcoholism and drug abuse are a problem. I don't condone them, I don't advise them. I just don't see how thundering on about abstinence is a solution.
washingtonpost.com:
Actually, Comics page editor Suzanne Tobin will be Live Online this Friday with "Broom-Hilda" cartoonist Russell Myers.
Gene Weingarten: Broom Hilda! I kinda like it. It's got a nice mean spirit behind it.
New York, N.Y.:
What's the deal with the lies in the Style Invitational bios? It seems to me that each bio contains only ONE truth -- with the rest being pure fabrication.
Gene Weingarten: No, actually, there is only one lie in each. The Czar knows what the lies are. Some are really unexpected. Chuck Smith's was dead-on accurate: he ghost-writes for several comics, and has appeared as extras in a number of movies and TV things, even as a dead body.
Washington, D.C.:
Do you think it good or bad that a bunch of Federal employees sit around for an hour every fortnight and chat with you on the government's computers and payroll?
Gene Weingarten: I am presuming that all government employes participating in this chat are home, sick. Right?
Beautifully Drawn But Unbelieveably Unfunny:
"Liberty Meadows," hands down, no contest, full stop.
Gene Weingarten: I totally agree. The man simply is in love with himself and the idiotic world he has created, and thinks we all are, too. I like the way he draws breasts, though. Actually, in a way, this strip is porn.
Arlington, Va.:
I vote for 9 Chickweed lane. It is not always ha ha funny, but it is very -um- different, and I like it. Also, do NOT put that awful Agnes in that they ran instead of Liberty Meadows for a while.
Gene Weingarten: Don't know that one. I'll look it up. You know what is funny? Overboard, that strip about pirates. Not at all bad.
Falls Church, Va.:
I find the cartoons accompanying Carolyn Hax's column to be far superior to all but a few of the regular comics.
Gene Weingarten: I agree, too. Drawn by Nick Galifinakos (sp?) who is exraordinarily good. He and Richard Thompson were the finalists to illustrate my column.
I.T.B.:
It's a good thing that The Washington Post, despite its prominence as a newspaper, also likes to have a little fun, ain't it? How come other newspapers won't pick up on that trend? I'm thinking specifically of the New York Times and the Battle Mountain Bugle here. I find myself wondering what overseas broadsheets have the winsome lightheartedness of The Post but I don't know it because I can't understand their languages. I have a good feeling about the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung, and not just because it has "Frankfurter" in its name. Also because it calls itself "FAZ," and "FAZ" is an entertaining nickname. Like the Detroit Free Press calling itself the "Freep." Any suggestions?
Gene Weingarten: I suggest you get some sleep.
Washington, D.C.:
Family Circus has to be up near the top for worst comic. Did you even notice how the kids barely come up to the parents knees? The 7 year old is only 2 1/2 feet tall? Billy, Jeffy, Dolly and PJ? I say P-U.
Also, what's up with Mark Trail and Cherry? Have they ever done it? Why is that creepy little boy always hanging around?
Gene Weingarten: I never noticed the size anomaly! You are right, though. Are you aware that if people's noses were the dimensions of cartoon character's noses, they would be about 24 inches long? We would all look like afghan hounds.
Comics:
Whatever you do, don't mess around with Zits and Sherman's Lagoon. They are the only things I can count in this world...
Gene Weingarten: Sorry to stick with the comics, but it is fun. Zits is a worthwhile strip, beautifully drawn and intermittently funny. Not long ago I had a lengthy phone conversation with the guy who draws Sherman's Lagoon. I was going to write a column about what it was like to be drawing a cartoon about the incredible hilarity of man-eating sharks at a time when sharks were snacking down on swimmers all over the country. He was sort of chagrined about it. Anyway, I was writing the column, a pithy look at the difficulty of humor and tragedy, focusing on the terrible plight of swimmers with sharks. That was on September 10th. The column never got finished.
Former member of Club Cipro:
You mentioned Richard Thompson. His "Richard's Poor Almanac" is great. He outdid himself with the Christmas trees 2001 strip which would make a better Christmas card than most I see. Does he have any books of collected works? A Web site? Anything? Thanks.
P.S.: I am NOT Richard Thompson. Honest.
Gene Weingarten: I actually talked Richard into starting Richard's Poor Almanac when I was editor of Sunday Style. I think it is the best cartoon of its kind in the country. I don't know what he is up to, vis a vis books etc. I'll tell you in the next chat.
Advice-land:
Why is it so much easier to get onto your chat than Carolyn Hax's (even though hers runs more frequently)? Do you think this society is obsessed with its silly social-life problems? Or is it that the social-life-obsessed ones are camped out in front of their computers while the funny-wannabees are out smoking pot?
Gene Weingarten: Carolyn pays.
Somewhere, USA:
Why is it that on washingtonpost.com you have to click on "Latest News" to get the Style section? Isn't that just a bit, um, misleading? (and confusing?) washingtonpost.com:
Actually, you can get to Style by clicking on the word "Style" on the left side navigation of the home page: www.washingtonpost.com
Gene Weingarten: The previous was a public-service response.
Laurel:
I'm still waiting for the return of "Nancy."
Now that was cutting-edge humor. The Post dropped in the early 80's, I think and the comics have never been the same since.
Gene Weingarten: Nancy was genius. You know what was even greater genius? Do you remember "Henry," the strip about a bald, mute little kid with a porkpie hat who kept getting into one unfunny situation after another? Well, I figured that strip was put out of its misery 25 years ago.
I found it! It lives in . . . THE BATTLE MOUNTAIN BUGLE.
I had put this in the story, but it was cut for space reasons. On the day I was there, this was the strip: In the first panel, Henry and a friend are going to the old water hole for a swim. In the second panel, a fat guy cannonballs in. In the third panel, there is no water left in the hole!
The SAME JOKE! Fifty years later!
Gene Weingarten: I see by the old clock on the wall that it is time to go to the bathroom again. Thank you all. See you in a few weeks.
Public Service Question:
When IS your next chat? washingtonpost.com:
Good question!
Gene Weingarten: Ah. Hm, tell em, washingtonpost.com
washingtonpost.com:
That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the
discussion.
Stay tuned to Live Online:
The
Lean Plate Club at 1 p.m. EST
Joel
Achenbach at 1 p.m. EST
Holiday
Stress at 2 p.m. EST
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Live Online Special Coverage: America
At War
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the same time? Just open another browser window and toggle back and
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FYI, Gene will return to Live Online Jan. 2, 2002. Noon ET.
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