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From Kindergarten to
College
Families... And So On:
Preschool Transition
With Jacqueline L. Salmon
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Sept. 7, 2001; 1 p.m. EDT
Join Post Metro reporter Jacqui Salmon and Berry Brazelton to talk about the transition from preschool to grade school.
Brazelton, well-respected in the family-advice arena, gives tips for young grade schoolers. He is the author of "Grade school: Giving your Kindergartener or First-grader the Right Start." His co-author, Sparrow, is a child psychiatrist at Children's Hospital in Boston and a faculty member of Harvard Medical School.
Families...and So On, hosted by Washington Post families reporter Jacqueline L. Salmon, is a free-ranging and freewheeling look at the American family. This is the place to talk about the burning issues facing the 21st century family.
Below is the transcript.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Jacqui Salmon:
Hi, folks. We're starting shortly with Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow. But a request to those who are posting questions already..keep them short! A few paragraphs are best. That way you've got a better shot at getting it answered. Unfortunately, in the hour's time that we have, we don't have the time to read long postings.
Jacqui Salmon:
We're here today, talking to T. Berry Brazelton--a household name for many parents in this country. We're starting off by talking about how to help a child make the transition from preschool to "real" school, but we'll branch out from there.
A request, though. I'd like to focus this discussion on young children. Hold the problem-teenager issues and we'll get to them in later discussion.
Dr. Brazelton and Dr. Sparrow: you say in your new book that the move from preschool and day care into first grade is a very crucial stage of development. Actually, I think a lot of parents consider kindergarten, not first grade, as being a real turning point for their children--when they're 'big enough' to go to 'real school.' Sending a child off to kindergarten is quite an emotional moment for parents. (I sobbed all the way home after seeing my daughter disappear behind the school doors on the first day of kindergarten)
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: Actually, parents do it at each step, day care, pre schook, kindergarten and first grade. For parents (and children)i it can be a revival of all those old fears and anxieties for parents and children.
Jacqui Salmon:
Can you explain "touchpoints"?
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: Well, my idea behind touchpoints started with my practice. I've been in practice for a long time, and my patients told me that there were certain points when their child seenmed especially difficult, and hey needed for me to 'touch' into that system. I looked into it for my first book on 'touchpoints' in younger children and it really was a map. When a child, just before they take a spurt in deve. in emotional, motor, the child goes through a period of regresssion and then as they spurt, they reorganize. So I'm trying to let parents see these as healthy and normal and not viewing it as a failure. It lets them see that it can be a time of celebration.
they are predictable processes and all of these processed that we talk about in our book are going to be there and if parents have na undernstein of twhat the hcild is oging thorugh, they can both enjoy him and undersstatn what's he's going through
Lorton, Va.:
My son just made the big jump from KinderCare to kindergarten. After his first day, he told me that he didn't like kindergarten because he couldn't 'play' and would rather stay in KinderCare because of the freedom they have. I explained to him that KinderCare is for "babies" and that he is a big boy now so he has to go to school to learn so that one day he will grow up to be smart like mommy and daddy. That worked for a day. On the third day of school, his teacher called me at work stating that my son had been sent to the principal's office for misbehaving and not listening to the teachers. Although my son has been defiant in the past, he has never thrown a temper tantrum when told to do something by an adult, not to mention a teacher. My question is, "Is this normal behavior?" Being as though he's had exposure to other children in KinderCare I didn't think him transitioning to kindergarten would be a problem. He's very smart and intelligent for a 5 year old so when I got the call from his teacher, it just blew me away. (Later I laughed at the thought of a kindergartner being sent to the principal's office) And also, should I be concerned about my 3 year old having the same reaction when he begins school in two years? If so, in which way should a prepare him? Thank You.
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: THe first thing to consider is the experience of loss the child is going through. Althou ghhe may say he misses the play at child care, it may be too painful for him to talk about what's really going on. And being unhappy is certainly one possible way of understanding his misbehavior.
I would question how difficult changes are to this child. Have you recognized this in your child? Does he have a hard time giving up one activity to another and so. AThat couyld explain the misbehior in the first days.
Thiese are examples of trouble adjusting that one would hate to see leadiong to a long-lasting label.
Are you taking his complaints seriously enough? You need to help him get to know his teacher and his school. Saying 'you're a big boy' now isn't enough. You need to honor the extent of the difficulty of this move for your child rather than minimizing his difficulties by telling him to be a 'big boy.'.
Maybe there is something else going on. There may be other more serious reasons for that. But certainly at the beginning of schooo, the newness and the change and make these behaviors more likely.
Olney, Md.:
My child is having problems adjusting to first grade. She went to preschool and Kindergarden at a privite Montossori school so I expected some adjustment problems but not what I am experienceing. She seems to not want to follow directions and not to want to do any of the work presented to her. Last night she told me she hated her new school and didn't want to go back. This just broke my heart. My husband has taken the stern approach telling her that she is there to learn and pay attention but I feel that that may be just making her more stubborn. Any suggestions you may have would be very helpful. I would also like to add that we also moved into a new neighborhood so on top of everything else she knows no kids in her class. We have suggested play dates with some of the kids in her class that live in our neighborhood but as of now she isn't interested. It's only been 4 days but...
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: I dont' think your hsuband is taking this seriously enough. You sound like yo're suffering with your child. Of course, work on getting her friend or two!
To make two enormous steps like that and expecting a child to adjust to it is a failure of its own.
Sometimes, when children make statements that sound like uultimatums, we take too seriously that they might actually carry them out and we dno't take the underlying reasons seriously.
You know that your chlid will continue at this school, and you don't need to say this to your child. Instead of saying "Oh, yes you're going to keep going to that school," say "help me understand what's so hard about it.' and then you can work together and solve it.
You need to help her with both adjustments. Give her the respect she deserbes on how big these adjustments are.
That's a purpose of our book, to help parents value their children and their adjustments.
Takoma Park, Md:
Dr. Brazelton, I've loved and relied on your books for years, so thank you.
Now, I have a six year old who yearns to remain "little." He's just started first grade, but it obviously pains him that he is becoming a big boy and beginning to leave what the brilliant Selma Fraiberg called "the magic years." Any suggestions on ways we can reinforce the the joys of growing up?
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: Well, I think this is probably unsaid by most children and so the fact that he says it is interesting. I don't know how seriously to take it. But give him the respoect he deserves and let him tell you how hard it is for him. Ask him how you might make this adjustment. It's not as if you have a choice in this growing up! But you can help him it, help finding a friend like him, and let them talk it out, learn it out toegether. Get his teacher to help a little bit.
It's very hard for parents to face their children's unhappiness. We hate to see them suffer and we want them to be happy and when they're not we're worried that we're responsible for it. Because it's hard to see them suffering, there is a tendency to try to cheer them up too quickly and try to rationalize away the fear. But it's hard for THEM to feel like they're suffering alone.
Start by valuing the child's concerns. "Isn't it wonderful to be having such a terrific time being little?" At some point, 'because you've had a good time having fun, you can find a way to bring what you brought to these years what you have.'
Before that, even, ask him what he's most worried about growing up. And it's not expecting a good answer, but let the child know that you're listening.
Also, it's aal;ways good to notice what children love to do and is good at and let them do it a lot.
This kind of reaction comes up repeatedly until high school and college. It's helpful for children to beging to recognzie that what scares them the most is the unknown. Remind children of their experiences when they're worried and then conquered. For example, reminding a child of the time when he was scared to learn to ride a bike and he got through it.
Arlington, Va.:
How do I get answers out of my daughter about what she did in kindergarten and also at daycare? When I ask her what she did, she tends to say only one thing like color or play out on the playground. I would hope she has done more than that, but how do you get a child to open up and remember what she has done?
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: No child is going to tell you what they did!Wait and do something when they first come home, let them de-compress and then they'll tell you and maybe they won't.
Maybe you're being too inrustive? But it's very normal for parents to desparate for information...You should change your expectations because hat childen really can't answer that question. WHen they're asked what they did, they really don't know. They will tell you in dribbles and drabbles in the next 36 hours.
I think that's the big argument against 'quality' time. If yo're able to hang out on their time, they will tell you. On their time. Not on yours.
SO, the question 'what did you do today?" really doesn't help children. Parents see that as a abanoments and then they get worried that they're not getting answers.
Glen Burnie, Md.:
My daughters first day of school was 09/05/01. When I picked her up from her first day she was very happy to see that another girl whom she likes very much had come from the same preschool class to her kindergarden class. She said "Mommy me and Justine are best friends". However the second day of school was much diffrent from the first day of school. When I picked her up on the second day she was not smiling and didn't seem very happy after getting into the car she said "mommy you know something really bad happened at school today... Justine said she's not my friend and she doesn't love me anymore and she made a new friend with a new girl who wasn't in pre-k news with us". I said that Justine was probably just having a bad day but that if Justine continues to be mean than we shouldn't want her as a friend anyway because who needs mean friends. I told her that we would pray before we go to bed for Justine to be are friend but not to forget that we have cheerleading friends, daisy girlscout friends and friends at school that we love and they love us back and we should be happy about them.
My daughter has been the apple of everybodies eye that she has ever met until now and I want to make sure that I have handled this situation right to and to know what I should do if Justine continues to say hurtful things to my daughter.
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: First, at this age when children come home from school and say they have a best friend, it means something very different to them than they does to is. It doesn't mean 'best friends forever'
Parents tend to get worried about what children ..parents get worried that they're children are not desirable to others.
You need to help your child to learn how to manage friendships and also her feelings when things go wrong. You can't protect your daughter from hurt.
I fear telling her that Justine doesn't have to be a friend, you might be interfering with your daughter being able to say what she contributed to the falling out.
You can say 'this really hurts because it's the first time' and 'this is the first time you felt you didn't please somebody, and it really hurts. But this is the way relationship area.'
There is more learning and an opportunity for sstrenths in helping her fact this more realistically rather than protecting her.
It's so hard to see a child suffering. OUr first instinct is to try to cover over the pain and try to fix it for them, rather than to help them face them.
Jacqui Salmon:
Do you think it's a good idea for parents to do volunteer work in their child's classroom in kindergarten and first grade? Or would it be too upsetting for some children.
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: We think it's wonderful for parents to participate in school. Getting parents to stay out of education is a terrible mistake.
But there may be a distinction between volunteering in the classroom and valueing him by working elsewhere in the scool. This is the age when children are separating themselves from their parents, and they may regress from pull themselves to that level if they can go to mommy for this and that.
But if a parent volunteers elsewhere helps to communicate to the child that the parent cares about thier child's participate.
Studies have shown that parents that volunteer in their children's chol, children had better academict records and less high-risk behaviors.
Arlington, Va. again:
So when I pick her up from daycare, do I just ask her how her day was and leave it at that? I just want to converse with my 5 year old and have her know that she can tell me anything she wants to.
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: Well, you certainly can say 'How was your day?' Just expect that you may get a response of 'OK' or 'I don't know.' But you can certainly can say "I'm so glad to see you.'
The main thing is not to expect a detailed conversation about what on. In fact, we think if you wait and don't ask about her day, you may be surprised by what she reveals later in the day.
In fact, Dr. Sparrow's daugher went through it when she went to college. She told me she hated it, didn't have any friends, didn't know anybody in her classes. So after the first day there, I called her but didn't ask her how it went. I said "I just called to say hello' and then of course, she said 'daddy guess what....'
Sometimes when we say exactly what we're feeling very strongly, it can overwhelms them and we're leaving them room to say what's on their minds.
Arlington, Va.:
My son just entered kindergarten after three years of pre-school. It is a big change for him, new building, new classmates, new lessons, new rules. While he willing goes back everyday, I just don't have the sense that school is fun anymore. They seem to be expecting alot in the first weeks from kids who are accustomed to having their hands held at every step of the way. Shouldn't there be a transition period? Is is right to expect so much so soon? Does the fun return?
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: You know, whose issus is this?? Is it your child or yours parents? Why do you feel you must hold youre child's hand. You might miss the fact that you are engenering this kind of dependency. The child might ready for a lot more independence and problem-solving. It may be time for teh child to learn he can do it himself.
Also, children can take joy in learning the rules and knowing the rituals . In the first couple of days, they don't know what the rules are, so they'll feel lost. But they'll learn. You can help your son by telling him what a big boy he is.
Learning should be fun, but we also bring children up to abhore hard work instead of valuing it. If a parent conveys to the child that they should reject something at work because it's not 'fun,' they're rejecting the value of hard work. And from the very beginning its helpful to see children that "it won't kill you. And you'll get used to them.
Ohio:
Aren't some of the fears of sending small children to school well-founded? Many schools are not safe for small children. Aside from the hot topic of school shootings, there is an overwhelming degree of violence on a smaller scale that profoundly affects young children. How does one prepare a child for the transition from a "safe" pre-k program to the vast dangers of the modern playground?
Dr. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow: Sounds like you have some issues here! A parent who is this concerned about it will pass on their concern to their children, who is already concerned about making the adjustment.
In our modern society, we talk about stranger fear and 'good touch and bad touch' at a time when they're tryhing to understand other people and understand themsleves. Add the kind of fears of danger and the anxiety that comes thorugh in your question, is what worries us.
The more a parent can adresss these w/out a lot of anxiety..look at what you can and can't do, is much more likely to work. First, ask yourself how much of this is your own ansiety. Then look back and see what you can expect a child of this age can manage. It's a big transition, it's frightening but we can do this together and I'd love to hear about you worry about each day." That will help a lot.
"Just as I've tried to take care of you at home, the teachers are going to take care of you at school.' to emphasize to the child that there are people out there who care about them.
We would recommend that you ask the teacher over for lunch or for supper before school begins or certainly during the school year.
Often it is context of a child seen as more vulnerable, and a parents' fears about not being there to protect the child.
Jacqui Salmon:
And that's it for today, folks. For more info, you can, of course, get their book, "Touchpoints Three to Six." And check out their Web sites, www.touchpoint.org and www.Brazelton.org
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