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From Kindergarten to
College
Families... And So On:
Peer Pressure: Sex and Drugs
With Jacqueline L. Salmon
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, Aug. 21, 2001; 1 p.m. EDT
Join Post Metro reporter Jacqui Salmon and her guest Dr. Carol Maxym, author of the book "Teens in Turmoil." Worried about what kinds of peer pressure your children will encounter as they head back to school? Salmon and her guest talk to parents about teens and peer pressure of sex and drugs.
Before becoming an educational consultant, Dr. Maxym was a psychotherapist, and
teacher at residential programs for troubled teens for many years. She holds both a Master's Degree and a Ph.D. in Psychology. She is a member of the American Psychological Association, Division 32-Humanistic Psychology, the National Psychology
Advisory Association, and the Independent Educational Consultants Association.
Families...and So On, hosted by Washington Post families reporter Jacqueline L. Salmon, is a free-ranging and freewheeling look at the American family. This is the place to talk about the burning issues facing the 21st century family.
Below is the transcript.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Jacqui Salmon:
Hi, folks. I'm here with Carol Maxym, and we're talking about high schoolers and drugs and peer pressure and purple hair and all that other stuff that scares parents of teens so much. Send in your questions NOW (avoid the 1:45 p.m. rush!).
Jacqui Salmon:
How can parents cope with such a powerful onslaught of pressure that comes from so many different sources? How can they protect their kids? Or..can they?
Dr. Carol Maxym: As parents look to help their teens cope with the powerful onslaught of pressure, they would be well advised to check out how they may now or in the past have taught their children to be aware of and answerable to peer pressure. Many parents nowadays seem to be caught into their own peer pressure thing of giving the fanciest birthday party, being concerned about being the most involved parent. If parents don't teach the wrong lesson, they will be able to teach the better one more easily
Jacqui Salmon:
Parents of teenagers can get really preoccupied with their kids' appearance..the aforementioned purple hair, for example, or eyebrow rings and other bizarre adornments that some kids favor these days. But how SHOULD they react when their child comes home with, well, purple hair and all of that? Should they make a stand on the issue of appearance or should they just let it pass?
Dr. Carol Maxym: Rarely does a teen come home with the proverbial purple hair out of. . .well, the clear blue sky. Almost always there have been lots of things that preceded the purple hair or tongue ring. It is important for parents to notice what it going on with their teen and to realize that if they excuse, rationalize, justify once or twice, then over and over again, they will be forced to continue to accept behavior and attitudes they do not really believe to be good for their teen.
Kansas City, Mo.:
Do you really think that kids have it so rough today? It seems to me that kids have it so much better. The schools are better, kids mostly have lots of money and the adutls in their lives just cater to them. Maybe that's part of the problem.
Dr. Carol Maxym: There are ways in which kids "have it rougher" today than in other times--and the contrary. Mainly, I don't think that at a deep and substantive level there is that much difference The details are different, of course, but that is the main difference. The main difference I see today is that the stakes are higher. Drugs and violence are far more pervasive and immediate than at other times.
Jacqui Salmon:
I think a lot of parents get frustrated by guest lists of "warning signs" of drug use in teens. The lists are often very vague and list behaviors that are often signs of typical adolescence-such as dressing differently or becoming more uncommunicative or spending a lot of time in their rooms or on the phone.
What warning signs do you think should alert parents that something is very wrong with their child?
Dr. Carol Maxym: I think the most important warning sign for parents that their teen might be heading for or already in turmoil comes from the parents themselves. When parents get that jittery feeling in their stomachs that something isn't right. . .well, it probably isn't. When parents realize that they are frightened of and for their teen, they are probably right.
When parents notice that they are frequently excusing their teen's behavior, justifying his/her attitudes, rationalizing how their teen is living his/her life, they must realize that things aren't okay.
Parents know their kids. Parents should trust their gut. If you feel things aren't okay, they probably aren't.
Laurel:
"Peer Pressure" is almost always discussed as something negative. But I went to school (60s-70s) with peers who parents were racist Southerners, and my friends definitely toned that down because it was less acceptable among our social circle.
Every generation has some attitudes and prejudices to cast off and every older generation thinks the younger is one spoiled, unnappreciative and immoral for having difference values.
When we talk about peer pressure isn't it necessary to acknowlege the "some things in life aren't like 30 years ago" dimension?
Jacqui Salmon:
"Laurel" raises a good point. Teenagers (at least modern-day teenagers) have always had to deal with peer pressure and parents have always worried about it.
What makes it so different in today's world?
Dr. Carol Maxym: Laurel, you are so right! There can certainly be positive as well as negative peer pressure.
Sure, some things aren't like they were 30 years ago.
What makes peer pressure for teens different now, I think, is that negative behavior/attitudes are more accepted than in other times.
Jacqui Salmon:
Recently, we in the Washington area, have been 'treated' to the disclosure of an elaborate and skillfully run drug ring led by kids who appeared to be doing very, very well. This kids got good grades, participated in sports, etc., went to church, the Scouts, etc...and yet they were involved in a big and widespread conspiracy to sell drugs all over the Washington area. It only came to light when one of the boys was murdered, allegedly, by one of the 'good' kids.
Their stunned parents, teachers say that they had no idea what was going on. These kids fooled EVERY adult in their lives, it seems.
How can this happen?
Dr. Carol Maxym: Whew! I hadn't heard of this incident. How heartbreaking! And yet, I know kids who have told me that they were dealing drugs because they didn't find anything else in their life as challenging and exciting as they found dealing drugs.
Still, it is hard for me to believe that there were no "warning signs" in the sense that I mean that term. I would submit that parents, teachers, were not noticing that they kids were too slick by half, that they [the adults] were excusing, rationalizing, and justifying behavior and attitudes. . .somewhere there was a crack in the armor. Unfortunately, I fear the adults were too attuned to the "usual" signs to see the other ones.
Reston, Va.:
What's the best way to deal with your child is you suspect they are doing drugs? I'm really worried about my son, but he gets really upset if I ask him right out if he's doing drugs. He's a good kid, and I may be accusing him unjustly.
Dr. Carol Maxym: If your son isn't using drugs, why should he get so upset?
bethesda MD:
Just a comment from a teen (17) to
parents of my peers. Let your kids know
you care, but don't smother us. Wrapping
us in cotton wool won't help, it will solely
cause us to rebel the more. Talk with us
about situations, but don't lecture. even if
we do rebel, coming home with purple
hair or such, we're still us. Jacqui Salmon:
Excellent point! Thanks, Bethesda. It goes back to that same old question...how much (strange clothes, odd hairstyle, odd behavior) is too much? At what point do parents get worried and need to take some action. I think that's a very fine line for parents, and there are probably plenty of parents out there who have infruriated 'good' kids by cracking down too hard and too fast.
Dr. Carol Maxym: Dear Bethesda
Thanks and you are right.
I often think that one thing that makes teens want to do the purple hair thing or whatever is how very protected we have tried to make them and their lives.
What do you think?
Orono, Maine:
My question looks ahead, a bit. Are there things I can do now that will make it easier for my 4-year-old to handle peer-pressure -- and make good choices -- when he becomes a teen?
Dr. Carol Maxym: Dear Orono,
Yes, yes, and yes.
Help your child to establish a strong sense of self, a sense of right and wrong based upon what he has learned from you and from his own experience.
Allow him to make mistakes and learn from them--4-year-old mistakes are much smaller mistakes than the ones older kids, teens, and adults make.
Don't compete with other parents--yourself or with or through your child.
Good luck!
Jacqui Salmon:
Carol, I was rather surprised to come across this sentence in your book.."Kids who some marijuana occasionally and do well in every other aspect of their lives do not need to go into rehab."
OK, maybe they shouldn't go into rehab, but should't parents be doing SOMETHING?
Dr. Carol Maxym: Well, Jacqui, we have to recognize the reality that although marijuana is illegal (and I surely do not support in any way that kids or adults should smoke it), some kids do smoke it occasionally and do well in their lives. That is a reality. It's what we euphemistically call "recreational" drug use. Sometimes parents react--over-react?--if they find their child has smoked a little marijuana. If that child is doing well--truly--in all other aspects of life, I think that parents should discuss the behavior with their teen, pointing out that it is illegal, that it can lead to other drugs, etc., but rehab is for kids and adults who have a very serious substance abuse problem.
Jacqui Salmon:
What role do parents play in helping their kids cope with peer pressure to engage in the high-risk behaviors we've been discussing? Can parents, for example, help their kids figure out how to turn down offers of drugs/alcohol at parties? Seems to me that a little role-playing exercise can help immensely.
Dr. Carol Maxym: I think that in many ways Nancy Reagan had it almost right so many years ago when she said "Just say, 'No'."
The trick is getting to the place where a teen has the sense of self to say, "No, thanks. I don't do drugs."
The role that parents have in helping their kids cope with peer pressure does start in their earliest parenting days. Children who have been allowed to make mistakes, who haven't been rescued and rescued, who have developed a sense of self and of themselves as members of a family, a community, will find "just saying no" more possible than those for whom such questions are always decided by others.
Jacqui Salmon:
Carol, you commented earlier in this discussion that parents of teens involved in the Washington area teen-run drug ring that parents might have been so attuned to the "usual" signs that they missed other signs of trouble.
Like other parents, I'm sure, I'd be interested in knowing what some of those "other" signs are that might be very subtle.
Dr. Carol Maxym: It's often better for parents to check out their own feelings, reactions that to look for what's going on with their teen.
For example, the kids you mentioned in the D. C. area clearly weren't showing any of the 'usual' signs, but I wonder if their parents ever wondered about their own feelings. Did they feel they really--and I mean really--knew what was going on in their kids lives? Were there family parties? Outings? Did the kids join in or always have an excuse?
Were these kids on the phone all the time? What about pagers? Cell phones?
Did they ever check in their teen's rooms or cars?
Where was all the money going? Where did the money to start the operation come from????
What about clothes and jewelry?
These would be amazing kids indeed if they left no clues anywhere.
Fresno, CA:
I'm going to be a senior this year in high school. There will be lots of parties where sex is encountered. What should I do to avoid this without seeming like a parent?
Dr. Carol Maxym: Are you asking how to avoid the parties or how to avoid having sex that you don't want to have?
Bowie:
Two current controversial issues that have a peer pressure side:
School uniforms -- Do they induce positive or negative peer pressure?
Prayer/Moments of Silence -- Does the conformity side threaten family beliefs?
Do you know of research or have your own opinion on these issues?
Jacqui Salmon:
Do such policies as mandatory uniforms and mandated prayer/moments of silence have any affect on teen behavior? Or are they just a waste of time?
Dr. Carol Maxym: Well, I have to say that I am a great fan of school uniforms--they just simplify life for kids, parents, and teachers. Uniforms just take the clothing issue at school off the table--so long as the uniform rules are upheld by the school.
Jacqui Salmon:
Parents, working parents especially, can get caught up in the guilt game.."Oh, if only I had spent more time with my child, then my child wouldn't be doing this or that," or "If I were a better parents, this wouldn't be happening" and so on.
Isn't some of this guilt justified--at least in some cases?
Dr. Carol Maxym: One problem with the "If only I. . ." statements is that they take the responsibility for behavior and attitudes away from the child.
Do parents make mistakes? Yes. Do those mistakes all somehow and perhaps almost magically add up to explaining why a teen is doing this or not doing that? Not usually.
If the guilt thing is justified, then so must be the contrary, I suppose: My child is doing very well and that is all do to me because I'm such a great parent.
Parents should always realize that whatever they may say, it is never as important as what they do--the role model they present.
Jacksonville, Fla.:
How do you get a 14-year-old girl away from drugs and sex? Already tried counseling and rehabs and talking until I'm blue in the face. If I try to keep her away from her bad friends she runs away for a few days. Please help me.
Melodie
Dr. Carol Maxym: There is no one simple answer to your question.
However, it may be that you daughter needs to get away from her friends.
Sometimes a change of environment can free a teen to be more what she would truly like to be.
Jacqui Salmon:
Carol, I noticed in your book that you're not exactly a fan of anti-drug campaigns aimed at teens. In fact, you note that they might actually encourage some kids to use drugs. Are these campaigns really that bad? And what SHOULD they be doing and/or saying that might actually deter kids from drugs and other risky behaviors?
Dr. Carol Maxym: If and when parents can add meaning and context to their children's lives they will be doing a lot for teens.
To tell a teen not to do drugs when he/she has found that drugs are fun isn't going to mean much unless there are other parts of that teen's life where he/she finds real meaning and importance.
Making a child the center of the world is dangerous because it induces that child/teen to believe something that is simply not true. Then, when the world seems somehow no longer to make sense, the child may look for other ways to make it "make sense," and drugs may become very attractive indeed.
Jacqui Salmon:
At the risk of sounding like a shill for Carol's book, Jacksonville might find some answers to handling his/her daughter's troubles by reading "Teens in Turmoil." It's got a lot of clear, down-to-earth advice for worried parents.
Washington, D.C.:
I came home one day and my youngest son was coming outside with his father who was already outside. As he passed me he said, my brother has a girl in the house. He's only 13 (both of them) -- I asked how old she was and where does she live. Should I call her mother and let her mother know, because I told my son not to have anyone in the house when I'm not home and what else do you suggest I should do?
Dr. Carol Maxym: Yes, I would suggest that you call the girl's mother and together come up with some rules that each and both of you will establish for your children.
I would suggest that you might want to start a community parents' group to meet regularly to discuss the concerns you all have and to establish general rules for all the kids who hang out together. That way one child can't say, "But Joey's mom said. . ." because you will know that your rules and Joey's mom's are the same.
Jacqui Salmon:
And that's all for today. Thanks for joining Carol Maxym today. Next week we'll turn our attention to middle-schoolers and talk about cliques and bullies..and how to help young teenagers deal with them.
Vienna, Va.:
I feel like my daughter has the opposite problem with the drug issue. She puts so much pressure on herself to succeed, succeed. She's got a straight A and she's a very good kid. I just wish I could convince her that she doesn't have to push herself so hard.
Dr. Carol Maxym: It's wonderful when kids have high ambitions and work hard to make them reality. Sometimes kids (and adults) try to be "perfect." The problem with that--and this may or may not be your daughter--is, of course, that there is no such thing as perfection, so the ambition is self defeating.
Jacqui Salmon:
That was our last question today. Thanks to everyone who joined the
discussion.
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