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From Kindergarten to
College
Families... And So On:
College 101 for Parents
With Jacqueline L. Salmon
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, Aug. 14, 2001; 1 p.m. EDT
Join Post Metro reporter Jacqui Salmon and her guest Janis Brody, author of the book "Bringing Home
the Laundry: Effective Parenting for College and Beyond." As a clinical
psychologist, she has researched the transition to college for several
years. Need advice in sending off your kids to college?
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Janis Brody
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Families...and So On, hosted by Washington Post families reporter Jacqueline L. Salmon, is a free-ranging and freewheeling look at the American family. This is the place to talk about the burning issues facing the 21st century family.
Below is the transcript.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Jacqui Salmon:
Hi, everyone and welcome to today's back-to-school edition on Washingtonpost.com. We're going to talk about college students today. As we move through the months, I'll also host discussions, on high school, middle-school and grade-school kids.
Janis, what spurred you to write your book? Have you had children who've gone off to college?
Janis Brody: No, actually. But I've seen how difficult it is for parents and the variety of reactions that occur. In addition, when I was teaching at the University of California at Berkeley ,and I saw students' whose academic difficulties were linked to problems at home.
Jacqui Salmon:
As you say in your book, shipping a child off to college can be an incredibly emotional event for parents and can even trigger wholesale changes in parents' lives? Why is that?
Janis Brody: Well, for parents, their lives have revolved around this child for 17 years. So the child's departure is going to cause a wide range of emotions from parents, from sadness to anxiety about how your child is going to adjust to college and how your relationship with your child will change.
Often, when parents are really grieving when the child goes off to school, it's because that child was filling a big gap in their life--maybe major dissatisfaction in the work life or trouble in the marriage. So the child was serving as a band-aid, and the band-aid is no longer there.
The good news is that parents who are able to overcome their anxiety find that even a troubled marriage may get better. Plus, they have time to do things they're never had the time for before. And to top it off, relationships with your children may actually improve.
Jacqui Salmon:
Improve? Really?
Janis Brody: Yes. Often, there's less conflict in the parent-child relationship because you're no longer roommates and you're no longer your child's drill sergeant! There's more room for conversations, instead of ents always telling the child what to do. Now you can be a sounding board for yor child's decision.
You don't have to care any more about how they clean up their room! (Or you shouldn't) The child might even ask you for advice more. And, they're looking at the world in a different way now, and you can have good, interesting conversations with your child that you might not have had before.
But there's a warning. If parents are holding on too tightly, not letting some fresh air blow through the bond, there is a danger that the relationship can get worse. You're not allowing those positive changes to occur.
Leland, Mich.:
How often should parents visit when their child is in his or her freshman year?
Janis Brody: Good question. Defniitely try to visit during the designated time, such as Parents Weekend. And then, ask your child! I really emphasize that a lot. You need to take cues from your child. WHen you ask the question, try not to be emotional about it. Try to sound like you really want to know what's best for him or her. If you're very emotional, your child might just say what you want them to say-that the child wants lots of visit.
Also, your child's need for visits might change during that freshman year. So check in with your child later in the year. Generally, the need will go down.
Actually, college students typically prefer visiting their parents at home instead of on campus. But that can vary, depending upon the child.
Jacqui Salmon:
What do you think about parents and kids who talk everyday on the phone? That's healthy? Not-so healthy? Incredibly inappropriate?
Janis Brody: I think not so healthy! Even if the child is initiating the contact, it might be preventing them from connecting to other people around him or her.
Jacqui Salmon:
What's the best way to communicate with your child when they're away at school? E-mail, telephone calls, letters, visits?
Janis Brody: E-mail and phone are preferable. A lot of studnets like e-mail because they can read and answer it on their own time. It makes fewer demands on them. However, it's good for people to hear each others' voices--about once a week.
And what out for instant messaging. You don't want your children to think you're spying on them everytime he's on line.
Also, a mailed care package occasionally is always nice.
Manassas, Va.:
Our daughter is about to go to college this fall, and I'm concerned about all the drinking that goes on in college. I think college should be a place for studying, not drinking. Also, the legal drinking age is 21. So as a condition for helping to pay her tuition, we have asked our daughter to absolutely promise she not to drink any alcohol until she turns 21. My sister says we shouldn't do this. To me its a simple matter of safety and legality. Any thoughts?
Janis Brody: Yes. I've got thoughts. I don't think it's a good idea. When something is forbidden, it often leads to a child engaging in it in an irresponsible way-usually out of guilt.
The absolute, best thing you can do is accept the fact that drinking IS a part of college life. But have a talk with your daughter about the dangers of drinking and how to drink responsibily and how to handle peer pressure.
It's unfortunate that drinking is such an integral part of socializing at college, but most kids get through this and come out OK.
You know, forcing your child into abstinence can have a negative impact on her peer relationships, and that may affect her academic performance.
Washington, D.C.:
My 18-year-old daughter just left for college. For the past three years, she and I lived apart when her Mom and I split and divorced. My daughter and I have a great relationship and although I couldn't see her every day, we at least talked on the phone every day. Now that she's two hours away as a college freshman, I'm not sure about the frequency of the phone calls. I want to call her every day to see how she's doing, but I also don't want to smother her. What's a Dad to do?
Janis Brody: You have good instincts-that this schedule for communicating probably worked well in the past, but there's a good chance that it'll now need adjustment. You can compensate with other forms of communication--with cards or e-mail--things that tell her that you're thinking about her but that give her a little room.
Again, the key is to take the cues from your child. Reassure her that your relationship will be just as close but you understand that daily phone conversations don't work well in this new phase of life. In a nice way, then, you're acknowledging her new maturity.
Washington, D.C.:
So my son is off to school next Thursday. He shows little interest or concern about having his ducks in a row. My pointing things out goes in one ear and out the other. I must just sound like a nag by now, and I can tell he is becoming as tired of hearing it as I am saying it. I am about to just let him deal with out any more instruction from me. What are you thoughts on this?
Janis Brody: Give yourself a break and let him deal with it! One way or another, he'll get his act together-whether it's 9 o'clock that night before he leaves for school or running errands on his second day on campus.
It may be his way to deal with his conflicting emotions about leaving. Even though your concerns might actually happen, don't succumb to the temptation of saying "I told you so."
BTW, I also talk about these topics in a more complete fashion in my book, "Bringing Home the Laundry."
The South:
Thank you for such a great topic. When I first went to college (in the 1970s) I had a horrible time adjusting. I wasn't homesick as much as I was sick of home and convinced that I was the only thing holding my parents' marriage together. Not able to devote myself to school I dropped out and returned home for a while. Eventually and slowly I was able to graduate and my parents even stayed married! This sounds like a book all parents should read, and I think it would be enlightening for students as well. In an ideal world parents will be "grown ups" but when they aren't their kids might be able to realize it's not their fault if they aren't.
Janis Brody: Thanks for your insights. I definitely address this issue in my book. When there are problems in the marriage and the kids are seen as 'glue,' it makes it extremely difficult for kids to adjust to college.
Like you, dropping out often happens. I talk to parents in my book on how to reverse that pattern and, basically, set their kids free.
Boston, Mass.:
Hi. I have a question for Janis Brody. What about college students and their relationships with their parents? I'm going back to school for my sophomore year, and I'm trying to keep my mom from running my life long-distance. During my freshman year, she called at least four times a week and wanted to know all the details of my life there.
How can I tell her to back off?
Janis Brody: Good question. First, I have special sections in each chapter of my book just for college students that help students help their parents to back off.
The key is to communicate to your parents in a way so they don't take it personally. And, in return, set up some kind of schedule, where they'll know you'll be touching base with them once a week. And, if anything major happens, you'll let them know. But let them know how busy you are.
Also, try to direct some of your parents' energy toward e-mail!
Lockport, N.Y.:
My son went to a small, rural high school and now he's heading off to a large. four-year college out of state. What advice should I give him?
Janis Brody: Hmmm. Clearly there are going to be benefits and drawbacks to the change of attending a big school. Talk with your son about what HE thinks the differences are going to be. Ask him what he's worried about and what he's excited about. You can't really give him much advice, but you can be a sounding board for him to think these things out himself
Also, let me know that there may be an adjustment period, so he isn't embarrassed when it happens. And have him take advantage of the freshman orientation period, which is a good opportunity to meet a lot of people. A larger school may feel very anonymous to him.
Jacqui Salmon:
A basic question here: How long do you keep your child's room intact? When does the statute of limitations run out and you can pack away the lava lamps and the black sheets and turn it into a computer room or large closet (or whatever)?
Janis Brody: Try to keep it intact for as long as you possibly can. And if you need to transfer the room to another child, then I would advice that you wait until your college student comes home. Let your younger child and your college student can work on the room together, so it's sort of a rite of passage.
And if you want to use the room, try to set up a work area that you can push aside when your child comes home. Then, at least some of the room is there.
You'd be surprised to know how important it is for kids to come home to their room.
Germantown, Md.:
I disagree with your response of not talking to your parents every day. I started doing that in college b/c my parents were working 2 jobs to afford Johns Hopkins. I would call to check on whoever was home alone even if it was for 5 minutes. My dad tells me now (10+years later) it was the best part of his day.
p.s. We still talk every day.
Janis Brody: Thanks for your comment. I also think that it's important keep the conversations brief, as you did, and that there weren't a lot of demands made during those calls.
Bethesda, Md.:
My middle child is going off to college,and for some reason it seems to be bothering more than when my oldest left. I still have another child at home. She's going into her junior year. All of a sudden, all I can think about is when she goes off to college and there's just me. I'm a single mother.
Janis Brody: It is particularly hard when there is no one left at home to share your grief with.
You may want to find other parents-particularly single parents-who will be experience that kind of loss at the same time. So you have a support group around you.
Also, start NOW to connect to activities, hobbies,-things that involve other people so you have a fuller life by the time you're youngest goes off to college.
Florida:
When I went off to college a few years ago, I noticed that many of my dorm-mates were having a hard time adjusting, and as I talked to them more they revealed that their parents would tell them when to do their homework and would wake them up in the morning in time for school. Now that they were on their own in college, there was no one to monitor them, and they were lost. Instead, if parents gave their children more reponsibility and expected them to monitor their own homework, get up in time for school, and do their own laundry for a year or two before going away to college, these kids would be a lot more prepared.
Janis Brody: Interesting comment. Freshman yar is often a time where kids learn what they can get away with. WHen to do their homework, go to class and how far in advance to study for tests. There's a reason why many graduate schools don't count freshman-year grades when they're making admission decisions!
If things are really bad, there is help--such as academic counseling-on most campuses.
Parents shouldn't panic when they see the first set of grades from their freshmen. If they're bad, you can say to your child that you know that this is a time of getting to know how much work needs to be done in college. Let them know that you have faith in them and that they can learn from their mistakes. If students want do, you can problem-solve with them.
Annandale, Va.:
Is it a good idea for an 18 year old freshman to have a car (paid for by the parents) if their school is not close to home?
Janis Brody: It depends. Is the car's purpose to get the child to come home for visits? If so, then make sure the car doesn't have strings attached...that your child must come home a certain number of time, for example. But if it's a gesture acknowlding your child's new independence, then that's a good thing.
Also, though, it can't hurt to have the no-drinking-and-driving conversation one more time.
Virginia:
I agree with keeping your kid's room in tact: it's emotionally very important. My fiance's parents got rid of his bed when he was in college, so when he came home, he had to sleep on the couch. It was not exactly a warm and fuzzy thing to do!
Janis Brody: I agree!
Annandale, Va.:
What's your opinion about student loans? If the best school which accepts our child is also beyond our budget, are we parents being unfair asking our child to take out a loan to pay the balance?
Janis Brody: No, you're not being unfair. You're being honest about your financial situation. Ultimately, it's a sign that child needs to take responsibilty for their decisions in deciding to go to a school that may cost more.But also, if you think that you might be able to help with the loan later, let your child know.
Make sure to have a frank decision with your child about what those loans mean to their future.
Dealing with loans is a NORMAL occurrence for hundreds of thousands of student. YOur child doesn't need to feel badly about taking out loans to pay for college.
parent warning from a recent graduate:
Please respect your child's roommates. If you live on the west coast and your "child" is at school on the east coast, please respect the time difference. Don't call after 11:00 EST - if the roommates are in the room at that time, there's a reason for it. Please don't leave 4-5 messages if your kid isn't calling back - try email, or give them a rest. Also, the answering machine isn't for quality family anecdotes. You may be paying for your child's tuition/room/board, but you're not paying their roommates'.
Janis Brody: Wonderful comment!
For parents, try imagining if you were living in that room and got those phone calls.
Jacksonville, Fla.:
My daughter is leaving for college on Sunday, and I'm concerned about her younger sister, who just started high school. They are very close, and I know my younger daughter will miss her big sister terribly. They will no doubt take advantage of email and IM, but any other suggestions?
Janis Brody: Good question. It sounds like you're the parent whose already done this, but acknowledge to the sibling at home that the separation is going to be rough.
If the college student wants, you can set up visits with a sibling-particularly a visit to the college. Also, help the sibling at home experience the advantages of this new phase-they will get a window in the adult life through the older sibling and also they may get more attention/freedom from the parents. In other words, acknowledge that the child at home is also becoming more mature and independent!
New York, N.Y.:
Just a comment about rooms. I'm a college senior, and three years ago it was incredibly important for me to have my room exactly the way it was - even though my brother (4 years younger) needed a larger room with study space. We compromised - for the first year he studied there, as long as he moved his stuff out for me. Sophmore fall I realized that I had no real need for the room, moved my old stuff over Thanksgiving, and we switched. Need fades over time, though he seemed to miss having a place that reminded him of me more than I did!
Janis Brody: Thanks for the story!
Arlington, Va.:
I have to second that about keeping the room intact at least for a year! My parents had an exchange student move in--so at Christmas, I came home and someone else was in my room, and I slept on the couch. I'd suggested they do this before I left, but I was amazingly bothered by it the first time I came home.
Janis Brody: Yes, it's tough. Also, your needs and emotions are going to be pretty volatile in the beginning, feel free to ask your parents how they can get the room back to 'your' room as much as possible-with some compromise
Alexandria, Va.:
I admire Manassas's daughter's honesty. Many kids would have just agreed to the no-drinking terms, and then go and drink anyway. Manassas needs to trust that they raised their daughter well, and take comfort in the fact that she's being honest, and standing up for herself at the same time. Plenty of college students drink purely socially--not to excess, but just a beer or two at a party.
Janis Brody: Excellent comment.
Charlottesville, Va.:
I concur about keeping the child's room as intact as possible. My parent's kept my room pretty intact until I was nearly 30. Of course, there was a Nordic-Track, an exercise bike, and an ironing board set up permanently --- but it was still my room.
Janis Brody: These comments just show what a profound impact a room can have. It's tremendously important for children to know they still have a place in the family.
However, if the room is still set up, even though your family MOVED, then you've got a problem!
Somewhere, USA:
I would advise being upfront with kids about how much money you can spend on tuition BEFORE they start picking school to apply to, so they can be sure to apply to several schools in that range. In my case, I knew early on that my parents could afford to send me to a state school, and anything more expensive than that would necessitate heavy-duty financial aid. But since lots of parents don't talk to their kids about money, this can come as a shock, so make sure you are very upfront about everything.
Janis Brody: Yes, wonderful point. During the year leading up to school and especially right now, it's important to have honest dicussion about finances with your child. It's important that your child knows that he or she has a say in these conversations about money. That way, she'll feel like you trust her feelings and her opinions, although clearly you have many more years of experience.
Don't be hard on yourself as a parent! It's very hard to support a child in private college.
Some parents need to watch out that they don't use money as a way to control their child. Make sure that emotions and money matters are separate. That's a big pitfall for many parents.
Arlington, Va.:
Having worked with college students for a number of years, I found one of the challenges was our desire as educators to encourage college students to make adult decisions and create mature relationships and the desire of parents to continue seeing thier kids as, well, kids.
How do you suggest parents cope with these role expectations?
Janis Brody: Hmm. In my book, I talk to parents about they can help their kids come to make their own sound decisions.
A parents goal at this point is to be a positive influence in your child's life, rather than controlling him or her.
You can do this in two ways. One, continue being a good role model. Two, help your chld think outloud about the pro's and cons of different situations and how to approach them, rather than just telling them what to do.
Parents need to enjoy the tremendous pride that comes with seeing their child blossom.
Fairfax, Va.:
Thanks for all the input re: rooms left intact - home. We had planned to allow our daughter (4 years his junior) to take over our freshman's room this year. We will go home from work today and work out a compromise for the first year!
Janis Brody: Glad to hear that. I just hope it doesn't create a space squeeze.
Virginia:
I think the rule for communicating with your kids has to be that you should be calling them about as often as they call you. If you are calling them twice as often as they call you, that is a good sign that you are calling too frequently. My boyfriend and I are a bit older than college age, but recently she has taken to calling him several times a week, or even several times a day (I believe the record is five time on one day). It is ruining their relationship: every time the phone rings, he just puts his head down and sighs.
Janis Brody: There are ways to train your parents to call less often. Become less often! Allow messages to pile up on voicemail or the machine.
There's also what I call the Law of Diminishing Returns when it comes to phone conversations. The quality of conversations goes up as the frequency reaches a normal level. So your boyfriend can say to his mom: "If you want to hear some excitement in my voice when you call, you'll have to call less frequently."
Arlington, Va.:
My parents kept my sister's room intact until she had been out of college for about 5 years. My room, however, was turned into an office during my freshman year. That definitely did sting a bit. And even though I love my parents and get along well with them, it's no wonder that I went away each summer during college, rather than going home.
Janis Brody: Right. If parents want their kids to (voluntarily) come home more, then they need to make home as inviting as possible.
In addition to keeping your child's room intact, parents need to let their children feel that they have privacy in the home. And parents can even have their favorite foods available at meals without making a big fuss about it.
It also helps if you don't change the locks....
Arlington, Va.:
Re: visiting kids at school. Once a semester is usually good. Any more, and it seems like the parents are checking up. But once a semester -- usually just after midterms -- gives parents a chance to spoil their kid a little.
Janis Brody: Sounds good.
Jacqui Salmon:
Wow. This keep-the-room-intact thing really affects college students and their families. My bedroom was transformed into a sewing room fairly quickly after I left but, if I recall correctly, my parents left my bed there and left my posters and other wall decorations up for quite a while.
Join us next week when we move onto high school students. We'll talk about sex, drugs and other subjects that involve teenagers.
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