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Families... And So On
With Jacqueline L. Salmon
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, Mar. 19, 2001; Noon EST
This week: "The Baby Whisperer" with Tracy Hogg
Post Metro reporter Jacqui Salmon and guest Tracy Hogg, author of "The Baby Whisperer" talk about how to connect and communicate with your baby on Families... and So On.
This week, the topic is about how to communicate and connect with your baby. How do you get your newborn to eat, play and sleep on schedule? How do you interpret what your baby is trying to tell you when they cry?
Families...and So On, hosted by Washington Post families reporter Jacqueline L. Salmon, is a free-ranging and freewheeling look at the American family. This is the place to talk about the burning issues facing the 21st century family, such as whether the world really needs diaper-wipe heaters.
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Tracy Hogg
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Salmon's guest is Tracy Hogg, author of the highly praised "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with your baby." Hogg specializes in maternity and neonatal care and obtained her nursing degree in England. In 1997, she founded the "Baby Technique," and provides consulting and nanny training. A British-trained nurse, lactation educator and newborn consultant, she had earned a widespread reputation for her ability to understand and calm babies. She has worked with more than 5,000 babies and now runs a retail store and consulting business in Los Angeles.
Tha transcript follows.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Jacqui Salmon:
Hi, Tracy and welcome. Let's get right down to work since we already have a number of questions for you. (But keep sending them in folks! We'll churn out answers as fast as we can!)
First, what is "baby whispering?" I'm assuming it has nothing to do with Robert Redford or a horse.
Tracy Hogg: Absolutely. As the subtitle, its about "calming, connecting and communicating" and drawing a circle of respect around your infant that you don't cross without first letting them know what you're about to do.
Jacqui Salmon:
What's a 'circle of respect'?
Tracy Hogg: An invisible boundary that you don't cross without first, again, letting your infant know what you're about to do.
For instance, when you're changing your baby on the changing table, first let them know you're going to lay them down, lift their legs up and take off their diaper so that every single thing you're about to do is making the child aware. Now, we don't know how much children understand, however, when you put into practice the principles of SLOW-which stands for Stop, Listen, Observe and Let the baby tell you what's wrong.
When you identify what's wrong, you validate the child by saying "I know what's wrong. You need, for example, a feeding." That way, you allow the child's voice to be heard and, in turn, this empowers the parents.
Jacqui Salmon:
I'm going to switch right over to your questions, folks, to get as many in as possible.
Brennan in Blacksburg, Va.:
Tracy --
I am a new part-time stay at home Dad and love spending time with my 7 week old son Tanner. I've been listening to your tape and I love it. But I was wondering if you could clarify the difference between putting your baby on a schedule and using the EASY routine. I like the idea, but am having difficulty understanding how EASY is different from a schedule? Jacqui Salmon:
I also have a question about that. EASY sounds a lot like a (scary music here......) schedule. What's the difference?
Tracy Hogg: With a schedule, your life is run by the clock. For example, if you are on a three-hour rigid schedule and the baby starts to tell you at 2:30 he's hungry by giving you the sign, with a schedule, if he wasn't supposed to be fed until 3, most people try and hold the baby off. The EASY routine identifies that you have recognized his signs for hunger and therefore, you would feed him.
That's why it's so flexible! I advise parents to think of it as a recurring period more or less three hours long because it's structured and organized, it gives everyone in the family a sense of security and predictability and it helps parents to make intelligent guesses about what their baby wants even before they become fluent in baby language.
Jacqui Salmon:
Can you explain EASY?
Tracy Hogg: EASY is a plan that stands Eat, Activity, SLeep and Time for yourself. It builds a structured but flexible routine for the infant.
It also prevents what I call "accidental parenting." Most parents, when their baby starts to cry, are confused and usually go to feeding or putting something in the baby's mouth. That's surely shuts them up, but suppose he's overtired? What happens then is that he will fall asleep at the breast for bottle. If he does this repeatedly enough, he will lose the skill of falling asleep without a prop, for example, the bottle.
I have many families of 8- 10 12-month old babies who have lost the ability to go to sleep independently without that prop.
Milwaukee, Wis.:
I have a 6 mo. daughter who has been nursed to sleep and has been allowed to sleep on our chests for naps and before bedtime.(Her dad and I loved this time) We have been "untraining" for 5 days. She is pretty good about falling asleep herself- usually with a cry of "mmmmm". She only naps 30 mins and wakes up crying. Attempts to fall back to sleep are in vain. How do I increase the lenght of her naps? 3 of the 5 nights she wakes after 4 hrs. Is this normal? The 1st night we picked her up 72 times (2 hrs), 2nd night 5 times , 3rd night slept from 8 pm-5:30 am, 4th night 22 times (2 hrs)
Tracy Hogg: It would be interesting to see how many calories she's taking in the day. If you've been feeding her every couple of hours in the night to go back to sleep, she will have been taking in calories, dividing her calories on a 12-hour cycle, on a 24-hour cycle.
I suggest adding two extra feedings in the day to compensate. It seems at though it was working, as the amount of time she was awake at night reduced reduced. I suspect that it's lack of calories during the day that caused her to revert back on the 4th night. Before rushing into her, make sure that the noises she's making are not her just resettling herself.
I'm not all suggesting that you let her cry it out. Just get to know her shifting-in-the-night noises.
Falls Church, Va.:
My baby slept through the night from six weeks to five months, but then started waking up at around 3:30 a.m. wanting to be fed. I've been up every night with her for two months now. How can I get her to start sleeping through again?
Tracy Hogg: Increase the calories in the day. Whatever she is taking at 3:30 a.m. add to her daytime feed. For example, if she wakes and takes a 6 or 8-ounce bottle at this time, you have to add that to her DAY by dividing that bottle between the feeds she's taking in the day.
If she's not able to take extra liquid, then increase solids. Over the next three or four nights, you should see a shift. But she will still wake at 3:30, but if you know she's had the calories in the day, try sending her back to sleep because the waking has become a habit and not for calories.
Sometimes this routine will take a little longer as the child gets older.
Jacqui Salmon:
From your book, I got the feeling that you think American parents have swung too far AWAY from schedules and to far TOWARD on-demand feeding. Is that correct?
Tracy Hogg: Yes. I think we've been led by follow-your-baby. But remember that parenting is about giving your child structure and routine that develop security.
Really, babies don't know what they're doing because they're babies! Everyone thrives on structure and routine. WIthout consciously realizing it, we often perform reoccuring rituals every morning, at dinner and at bedtime. Often, when one of those rituals is interrupted, it throws off our entire day.
Babies need routine as much as we do, and that's why EASY works.
Washington, DC:
I'm pregnant with my first child, and have virtually no experience with babies. So, I am nervous about having my own. Any advice on how to start figuring out my baby's needs from the beginning?
Tracy Hogg: I know how terrifying this can feel! I would really advise you to not only read the book but to try to seek out a 'mummy and me' or breastfeeding group prior to your delivery.
You will be able to see mums and their babies interacting and it will give you a sense of things to come. Maybe one of the mums will let you change her baby's diaper or hold the baby.
When we're unprepared and have never done something before, it oftens freezes into fear and attacks our instincts and intuition--we end up constantly asking ourselves 'are we doing this right?'
Remember that this is a new relationship and it takes time, patience and observation to get to know your baby as a unique individual.
Alexandria, Va.:
I am four months pregnant -- are there things I can begin doing to communicate with my baby now and as it grows in utero?
Tracy Hogg: You can begin by talking with the baby. You can also buy a small cassette player and play soothing music that you would use after the baby is born.
In connecting with the unborn, if you start to be present and conscious of YOUR mood, when you start to become stressed, you will feel the baby inside start to kick and move about. At this point, try and take some deep breaths and tell your baby 'It's OK' from within.
And, for example, say "Mum's a little upset. I'm going to sit down and take some deep breaths." That increases the oxygen to the baby and also calms you down.
Bethesda, Maryland:
Hi Tracy, I have a question about the breastfeeding section of your book. You advise your clients to feed on one side at each feeding which makes a lot of sense but sometimes my baby is still hungry after she has emptied the first breast (and I know she is hungry as opposed to comfort sucking) and I have to offer the second. Is this okay? Should I be doing something differently?
I was also wondering what you tell people about the baby's EASY routine with respect to being out of the house - where the baby may sleep most of the time in the car seat stroller, etc. How should the routine be handled in this situation?
Many thanks for your wonderful book!
Tracy Hogg: First, fantastic job, mum! You're using your instincts and seem as thought what I call "a present breast-feeder.") You recognize that she's still hungry, and that's why the other breast is there. You also recognize that your breast is empty. This suggests to me, again, that you are a very present mum!
As for your second question, the baby comes to your life. So if you have to run errands and that entails taking the baby out in the car seat and she sleeps, so long as you don't have to put her in the car seat in order to GET her to sleep, then things should be fine.
So, I suggest that you feed her prior to going out and let her sleep in the car as the 'S' of the EASY plan. If you're out and she is hungry, feed her, spend a little time with the activity before you put her back in the car seat to go to sleep.
Nashville, Tenn.:
Can you explain how to put twins on the routine? I am about to be a single mother of two identical boys, and I would love to use EASY, but I'm confused as to how one begins the routine.
Tracy Hogg: With twins, you have to what I call "tandem" them. So, one will weight a little more than the other. Always start with the one who weighs the less. I suggest waking for feeds because usually twins are small, and we want to make sure they get the necessary calories.
You have no help? Bless you! It's important for you to get your support system in place NOW even if it means involving friends. They won't necessarily take care of the babies, but they at least can do some laundry or shopping. That's where they can really come through for you.
There is also a group for multiples: Type in TWINS on the Internet and hit search, you'll get either a church and groups like Mothers of Multiples. It's so important that you get prepared now.
Fairfax, Va.:
What are your thoughts on co-sleeping with an infant? What do you recommend for parents who have been co-sleeping and want to transition the baby to his or her own bed?
Tracy Hogg: I have no objection to co-sleeping when this has been thoroughly thought through by both partners in the relationship.
This means that you are in it for the long haul! Books on this subject suggest that the baby will ask to leave the bed of their parents when they are ready. The word 'ask' suggests that these are not babies!
If you've been co-sleeping and it's had the effect of 'accidental parenting' and has been used as a coping skill to get sleep, you need to understand that it's going to take commitment and patience on your part.
I would start by getting the child used to the crib in the day. I also suggest that you purchase a blowup bed and place it at the side of your child's crib so that in the night, when he wakes, you're still right there for him to reassure him. But you're making the gentle transition into independence for the child.
See this as GIVING your child skills and NOT taking mum and dad from him.
Washington, D.C.:
Last week, the cover story of the Health Section was about teaching sign language to hearing babies. What's your opinion?
Tracy Hogg: Fads come and go. My whole philosophy is about communicating with your infant with WORDS. Children learn to speak by constantly hearing words and mimicking the sounds.
Rosslyn, Va.:
Tracy,
We have a 2 month old baby who constantly seems to have gas pains. We have tried medications from the store and even tried to do certain type of "kick" exercises to try to relieve her pain. Can you offer any suggestions on helping her with this problem. Thank you.
Tracy Hogg: You need to purchase a "Haberman" feeder. This is a wonderful bottle! It has a valve that the baby has to suck hard to release the fluid. No air can go in the chamber.
If you go to my web site, www.babywhisperer.com, it has all the information regarding this bottle and testimonies from people who have used it. I've been using it for 17 years in England and in the U.S. and it has relieved so many of the gas problems you talk about.
Aliso Viejo, Calif.:
Hi Tracy!
I recently purchased your book and read it in two days! I have a six-week-old son and have been trying to get him on the E.A.S.Y. routine for two weeks now. I have had some difficulty. I am breastfeeding and supplementing with formula once/twice a day. Every time he breastfeeds he falls asleep. I have tried everything under the sun to keep him awake. He will eat for five minutes and fall asleep. I will wake him up and get him back on but the most I can keep him on there is 20-30 minutes which includes me taking time to pick him up and burp him several times during the feeding. He seems to want to eat every hour or two. He also does not seem to sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time during the day. Occasionally he will nap for two hour stretches. We have tried swaddling him but he made it very clear to us when he was three weeks old that he did not care for that. He will kick and squirm his way out of the wrap every time. He likes his hands up above his head when he sleeps. Both his sleeping and eating patterns are erratic and we're not quite sure how to handle this. Your book is amazing and I have tried all your suggestions but still seem to be having a difficult time. Can you please shed some light on how to handle these issues! Does my son have to feed for an entire 40 minutes every feeding? If he is not being satiated with breastfeeding, is it okay to supplement with formula? Also can you please clarify whether he should be eating every 2 1/2-3 hours from the time he has FINISHED his last feeding or three hours from the time he BEGAN his last feeding? I'm assuming if I could get him to have complete feedings his sleeping pattern would improve.
Thank you so much for your help! Your book has been a godsend and I wish you much success with your new venture!
Tracy Hogg: Thanks so much for your wonderful comments! Please do not keep this is a secret. Tell your friends and if you find a mum who is having problems, you can repay me by helping her.
Bethesda, Maryland:
Tracy, I really enjoyed your book and am now making my husband read it too! We have a 6-week old baby girl and your book helped us move her to her crib when she used to have to sleep on one of us. She has been sleeping through the night n her crib for the past week but she is still unable to put herself to sleep -- we have to walk or rock her and then put her down. Any suggestions on how to break this habit too? Many thanks!!
Tracy Hogg: I'm so glad that daddy's going to read the book! Parenting is a partnership.
I'd like you to reverse the process from rocking and walking to putting her in the crib FIRST and, when she fusses, pick her up but STOP walking. Just stand with her and use your voice and patting to calm her down. The first couple of times you do this, you will be dying to walk. Don't!
At six weeks, you're doing a great job. Just remember that repetition is reinforcement. So if you're reinforcing walking and rocking, that's what she'll expect. If, however, you change that reinforcement to security by picking her up and putting her down when she is calm, that will become the new habit.
Tulsa, Okla.:
My 8-month old goes to daycare 2 days a week (all day). She does not get the sleep on those days that she usually does, sleeping only 1 to 1 1/2 hours total in 8 hours. I have visited with the caretakers about her EASY schedule, but I suspect that the hectic schedule of the daycare makes it difficult for them to read her sleep signals and/or get her to sleep if everyone else is eating/in activity stages. Any suggestions?
Tracy Hogg: The only thing I can suggest is that you ask her caretakers to keep a log of what your child does. This also keeps you in touch with what's happening in your baby's life.
Yes, daycare centers are very busy places, and the staffs do a wonderful job of taking care of our children when we're absent. If the other five days of your baby's week has structure and routine, I really can't see that a couple of days in the week will harm the baby.
Nashville, Tenn.:
Can I feed my twins at the same time? I want to breastfeed, and I want to be able to pay attention ("be present") with each of them. Is it necessary that I feed them individually so I can know what they're taking, and bond more readily?
Tracy Hogg: You might find out in the beginning that feeding them both at the same time works. However, you usually find that one will set a different pace from the other.
Bonding doesn't entail breastfeeding! You're going to have plenty of times in the day to bond individually with each of your children, and the great thing to remember is that around 3 months, these children have a built-in playmate available.
So take the time when you're changing them or doing activities of any nature to focus on eye contact and using your voice to reinforce your love.
Great Neck, New York:
I am a pediatrician who has a new 7 month old baby girl and guess where she is sleeping? Mommy and Daddy's bed. I was reading Tracy's book last night and it didn't address this issue specifically?
How do I speak with Tracy??
Tracy Hogg: I answered the question about co-sleeping with parents earlier in this chat. But you can also log onto my Web site, where I do personal consultations.
Manassas, Va.:
My daughter will be 9 months old when travel to a family reunion. What can I do to prepare all of us for the plane ride?
Tracy Hogg: If the time zone is different, let's look at the European time zone. It would mean that you are traveling at either 3, 4 or 5 in the evening. So, the baby should sleep at night on the plane. It's fairly easy to go to Europe. THe problem is coming back! I suggest that instead of letting the baby sleep a 10-hour plane trip home, you wake the baby every three hours. Effectively, you are giving the baby two days instead of a day and a night. Then the baby will get back onto their night routine when you get home. I know becuase I've done it several times!
If you're traveling within the U.S., but you're not going for a long period, just keep the child on the same time zone as at home. If you're going for a long period, then know that you may have to wake the baby prior to his first full night's sleep to get him into the three-hour (or whatever) time change.
Concord, Calif.:
How do you get your baby on a three hour schedule? If they are napping, do you wake them up? What if they can't wait until 3 hours to eat? Then what?
Also, for how long should the activity level be at 6 weeks? Jacqui Salmon:
Tracy, let me interject here. This mom sounds like she DOES view your EASY program as a "schedule." Are you concerned that American moms (never known for doing ANYTHING half-heartedly when it comes to their children) will interpret EASY as a prescription for a strict schedule?
Tracy Hogg: We're back to this schedule thing!
The whole philosophy of my book is knowing your baby and reading his cues and meeting those needs, when asked.
It was never intended to be misread as a strict schedule. Babies do NOT fit into the clock. The only time I suggest waking a baby is at the beginning of their life when we need to feed them regularly in order ensure that they are receiving nourishment.
Otherwise, I cannot stress enough that if your baby is hungry at 2 and a half hours, you feed her!
Santa Monica, Calif.:
Help! I have a "spirited" 8 month-old daughter who has never slept through the night. She only wakes up to eat and then goes right back to sleep. I keep the lights low during the feedings & don't pick her up. I tried your technique of giving her a pacifier instead of the bottle & she'll have nothing to do with it! In general, she has never liked or taken a pacifier. I tried substituting a teething ring for pacifier & that didn't work either. I do have her on somewhat of a routine (E.A.S.Y) & she does put herself to sleep at night & bedtime.
Your book is terrific & wish I had found it when I was pregnant BEFORE I got myself into this situation!
Thanks very much from a sleep deprived mom.
Tracy Hogg: If your baby is waking and definitely feeding, she needs more calories in the day. So tank her up!
It's OK that she doesn't want a pacifier. She's past that now. It would be interesting to see how much she is taking in night. Again, divide this amount and add it to the feeds in the day.
More details about this approach are in some of my previous answers in this chat. Best wishes!
Phoenix, Ariz.:
Thanks for the advice on the time zone change specifically waking the baby before the first full nights sleep. I agree with your philosophy! Contrary to what my in-laws think I will be keeping my baby on his 'at home' schedule (Phx, AZ) not east coast time.
Tracy Hogg: Thanks for the comment! It takes sense to be an in-charge mum, and I'm glad that you are strong enough to tell your in-laws. Good job.
Jacqui Salmon:
Tracy, does your program work for colicky babies? My son had colic and, I swear, he cried 24/7 for the first three months of his life. OK, maybe not ALL the time, but it sure felt like it.
Tracy Hogg: It's so hard to have a baby with colic! What a lot of parents don't realize is the distress that a crying baby can cause.
I've dealt with many colicky babies, and I have the patience of Job. I tell mums, when they are inclined to walk, rock, jiggle, is to sit in a chair with the baby and put headphones on you (not the baby!) with some gentle music.
You're not neglecting your baby. You're taking care of yourself. And if times get really hard and you have no one around to hand the baby to, remember a baby never died of crying! Put the baby in the crib where he or she will be safe and go outside for two or three minutes. Take some deep breaths before going back in.
This will just give you some space. And to all mums and dads of colicky babies, I know this is a very difficult time, but please try and follow my suggestions.
Phoenix, Ariz.:
How long should the activity time for a 7 month old be (spirited)? My baby naps 2x a day 1-2 hours each and is in bed by 7 pm. The majority of the time he wakes up a 5am with an occassional 3 am call for formula? Just curious now that I have the eating and napping down I don't want to overstimulate him and get him fussy. No fun with a spirited baby! Thanks, Amy.
Tracy Hogg: You sound like you're doing a great job, mum! ANd to recognize the signs of overstimulation, involves knowing your baby. And it sounds like you certainly do.
I'm not an advocate of toys that have flashing lights and plinky music. In order to prevent your baby getting fussy in the early evening, slow down his day starting at 2. That means taking away any overhead stimulating toys, so that he really starts to wind down his visual stimulation by the time it's bath and bedtime.
If you have to run errands, try to do them before this time. Remember the world is a very visual place, especially supermarkets with florescent lights and lots of people saying what a cute baby he is. These comments are well-meaning, but sometimes a baby can get fussy with all the attention.
Otherwise, you sound like a wonderful mum, and I hope this answers your guestion.
Jacqui Salmon:
Hey, folks. Tracy has to depart, but she's offered to come back again. We had to leave a lot of questions unanswered! So she'll be back April 9 for another chat.
Jacqui Salmon:
Thanks, Tracy. And thanks for your generous offer to return! Any last words?
Tracy Hogg: Thanks to all mums for participating this morning. I look forward to speaking with you again. And remember that parenting is a wonderful journey. Find time to enjoy it.
Jacqui Salmon:
In the meantime...we're going to turn to another generation of kids next week.
My guest will be Dr. Phil Cunningham, an expert on kids and drug addiction. We're going to talk about the latest research on addiction and children, as well as take your questions.
Jacqui Salmon:
One last thing...(I promise...) My wonderful, efficient, creative producer--the magnificant Eleanor Hong--will save all your questions to Tracy from this week, and they'll be available when Tracy makes a return appearance on April 9.
Jacqui Salmon:
That was our last question today. Thanks to Tracy Hogg and Jacqui Salmon, and to
everyone who joined us.
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