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Post Magazine
This Week:
Nowheresville, U.S.A.
With Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, Dec. 3, 2001; 1 p.m. EST

The Washington Post Magazine sent columnist Gene Weingarten out to find the absolute armpit of America. Turns out it's only about five inches from the heart.

Weingarten -- whose article "Why Not the Worst?Why Not the Worst?" appeared in Sunday's magazine -- was online Monday, Dec. 3 at 1 p.m. EST, to field questions and comments about the vices and virtues of the winning town, Battle Mountain, Nev.

Weingarten writes the "Below the Beltway" column for the Magazine. You can also join him Live Online every other Tuesday at Noon EST for his regular show, "Funny? You Should Ask."

A transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Gene Weingarten: Hello, people. You know the drill. So have at me.

Los Angeles, Calif.: Mr. Weingarten, who has designated you the national arbiter of taste, and chief consultant regarding the cultural milieu?

Gene Weingarten: I was appointed by God on April 7, 1999, for a term not to exceed six years.

Washington, D.C.: Gene,

Your armpit article was sublime. The description and detail was amazing and laugh out loud funny. Do you think tourism will go up in Battle Mountain?

Gene Weingarten: Honestly, I hope so. I received several emails this morning from people who swear they are going to visit at the earliest possible convenience. There appears to be
something of a cult movement toward armpit vacations.

Charlotte, N.C.: Where is this place? I gotta go there! Gotta map?

Gene Weingarten: See? See?

Washington, D.C.: What is the worst place you have actually been, OTHER than Battle Mountain?

Gene Weingarten: Really, who am I to pronounce these things, ex cathedra? That would take monumental gall.

Oh, what the hell.

I am not particularly well traveled. The worst place in the world I have ever been is a town named Progreso in Mexico's Yucatan peninsula. This was about 15 years ago.
Progreso is right on the ocean. It should be magnificent. However it was basically an empty, filthy beach containing schooner-sized wads of quivering foam from a nearby rendering plant. The entire town was The Blob.

In the U.S. I would say it's a tossup between Binghamton, N.Y. and Amarillo, Texas. These are places large enough to raise expectations, and bad enough to crush them like a cockroach under a boot.

Chris, Scranton, Pa.: Mr. Weingarten, can you tell us what the murder rate is in Washington, D.C.?

washingtonpost.com: There have been 210 murders in the District this year. (Source: Metropolitan Police Department)

Gene Weingarten: and now you know.

Alexandria, Va. (not on your list, I hope): How could you possibly have ignored so many really god-awful dumps within a day's drive of D.C.? That way we could visit and gloat. Now, we'll just have to make fun of places we haven't even been to. You need to learn to patronize your readers a little more. We won't mind.

Gene Weingarten: Well, any place really close to us falls victim to the First Corollary of Propinquity: You can't really be an armpit if you are physically proximate to a place
that is immeasurably better. Though some letter writers disagree, I begin with the assumption -- indeed, the assertion -- that Washington D.C. is a very good place to
live.

Even so, I haven't actually found a nearby town or city worthy of comparison to places like BM. I will accept nominations. Limit your explanation to twenty-five
words or fewer, though.

Falls Church, Va.: Since some of Battle Mountain's leading citizenry expressed some definite racist leanings, did you presonally experience any overt anti-semitic remarks as well?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, there were some overtly racist comments, and no, no one said anything remotely anti-semitic. Of course, this might be because everyone seemed to know I was Jewish; I
conclude this because people kept making that point. ("You're a Jewish feller, right?‘)

Yes, there were jackasses, but there are jackasses everywhere: Overall, BMers were nice and friendly. The town is not a pit of small-mindedness or prejudice, any more than Washington is. It is a 'pit, though.)

Glover Park: Enjoyed the Battle Mountain story yesterday. Just wondering how many Battle Mountain citizens you've heard from thus far since the article came out and how they've responded.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, I have heard from none, yet. There may be something of a technology divide. I have heard from at least a few people who claim I erred in asserting that chukars are not good eatin'. Fresh chukars, they say, are bettern' possum. I am not making this up.

Rosslyn, Va.: Gene,

I was disappointed that you didn't include a "getting there" box at the end of the article, ala the travel pages. The town needs all the help it can get!

Gene Weingarten: Good point. Just FYI, to get there, you fly to either Reno or Elko, then get in a car, and drive until your viscera boils through your skin, from boredom.

Scranton, Pa.: Gene, to your knowledge, has Battle Mountain ever re-elected a mayor convicted of cocaine possession?

Gene Weingarten: I fail to see your point. Could you be more explicit?

McLean, Va.: Your article was the funniest thing I have read in years. I actually laughed out loud in places. It was beautifully written -- you have great comic timing. Two questions: Did anyone nominate Worcester, Mass. (a worthy entry I must say)? What are some of the towns that made it to the finals?

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. Though I am beginning to suspect some people lard the top half of their questions with gratuitous praise in order to force us to address the bottom half. Hey, washingtonpost.com, is there any way I can edit out the bottom half of these posts?

Ok, ok, anyway, no one nominated Worcester, to my memory. But I have been in Worcester; I went there once, honest to God, to write a story about a girl who had been in a coma for 15 years and to whom people were praying as a saint.

I have seen Worcester. Worcester is bad. Worcester is no Battle Mountain.

Reston, Va.: Gene, when the commissioner told you to go to the whorehouse do you know what he really meant? In Shakespeare's Hamlet the line "Get Thee to a Nunnery", where nunnery is meant as whorehouse, Hamlet is telling Ophelia to leave him alone! You completely missed the important literary allusion that the commissioner was making!

Gene Weingarten: Wow. I do believe you are right. I was fooled because he was wearing a John Deere baseball cap at the time.

E-Guy: Re: "Fresh chukars, they say, are bettern' possum. I am not making this up."

So who originally came up with the "I am not making this up" line. You or Dave Barry?

Gene Weingarten: Dave's line is "I SWEAR I am not making this up." Sheesh. Give me credit for a little originality, here.

I wanna see a pic...: of the Hell sign...how come it wasn't in the article? Can someone put it online or something?

washingtonpost.com: You can view the lovely photo here.

Gene Weingarten: What can I add. washingtonpost.com is a giant of technology.

Washington, D.C.: Gene,
Did Billings, Mont., come up much? I recall observing for myself there a few years ago: the liquor store/gun shop is IMMEDIATELY ADJACENT to the post office. We need to keep watch on this...

Gene Weingarten: Sounds good. Here's a fact from Battle Mountain that never made it into the article: The Family Planning and Resource center, which basically gives advice on birth control, anger management, budgeting and other family issues, is located RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the whorehouse. I aver I am not making this up.

Washington, D.C.: Worcester is Scranton with clams.

Gene Weingarten: Nice.

Wilkes Barre, Pa.: Needless to say I'm upset over your characterization of my city as awful. I really don't care what you think in your sublime ignorance of my community, but I happen to be proud of the heritage of Wilkes Barre. I can recite it's history to you, but space isn't large enough to accomodate it. Suffice it to say we have two fine colleges here, a hockey team and a farm baseball team. We have our own cultural center which attracts nationally known entertainers, as well as a sports stadium which also attracts artists and entertainers. It don't know what's so awful about Wilkes Barre, but I really do resent you including it in your article. US News & World Report just a few years ago listed it as one of the better places in America to live. Kings College was recently listed on a national list as one of the better colleges in this nation. Do you have any comment on Wilkes Barre?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I do.

I have been in Wilkes-Barre. I spent several days there.

I pointed out in my article that Wilkes-Barre is less awful than Scranton. What are you complaining about? This was basically a rave review.

As I said, I have been there. Don't get into a fight with me on this one.

Annapolis, Md.: Enjoyed the article, but surprised a place with the world championship human-powered vehicle race, drinking, gambling, a brothel, and chukars would win -- seems a destination with fewer entertainment options would have beat them out!

Gene Weingarten: Well, actually, you raise an interesting point. Choosing the armpit was not easy: There are thousands of places with absolutely NOTHING, but what fun are they to make fun of? The armpit must be a place that presents itself as being something, but fails. You know what I mean?

Laurel, Md.: Not everyone is priviledged enough to live in our city of free world-class museums, Metrorail, and summers and winters that are only occasionally extreme. There's work that needs to be done in places like Elizabeth, N.J. and Battle Mountain Nev., so some people have to live there.

I know I always enjoy visiting the West, to see the spectaclar mountains and far-reaching deserts that we don't have here. Battle Mountain may seem like an armpit to those of us who don't live within 2,500 miles, but it sounds like place shaped by its surroundings, full of people who love them, and is literally an oasis in the desert just where one's needed.

Gene Weingarten: Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

Washington, D.C.: If you were to designate the URBAN armpit of America, what would it be? I think you hit it with Bridgeport, Conn., even if it produced your wife.

Gene Weingarten: Good question. I have to say, based on nominees alone, the hands-down winner is Gary, Indiana. Probably ten of the 210 nominations I got were for Gary. I have been to Gary, and I understand.

Real problem: Gary is not remotely funny. A seriously troubled place.

Washington, D.C.: My sister lives in Elko -- she totally agreed with your assessment of Battle Mountain. Also she asked if you liked the newly renovated Elko Airport?

p.s. If anyone wants to fly there you'd better do it soon, because their one and only airline is threatening to stop service.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I noticed the airport appeared to be new. It, um, did not appear to be NICELY new. It was as though it had been designed by the guy who designs chick-fil-a kiosks.

Bethesda, Md.: Gene,

I'm sure I can sell my very small three bedroom, one-and-a-half bath house for about $350,000. What kind of house could I get for this amount of money in Battle Mountain? By the way, is there a golf course?

Gene Weingarten: Excellent question. There is a nine-hole golf course. And the most expensive homes in Battle Mountain -- the real palaces -- sell for about $150,000. For your $350,000 you could buy the jail AND the whorehouse.

By the way, in Battle Mountain, people use the following term: "stick-built" houses. Anyone ever hear this term? Anyone know what it means?

I.T.B.: Seems to me this is the second time in recent months that your gig as a Post writer has seen you venturing into a house of prostitution while apparently not doing anything untoward there. So where's next on your agenda of expense-account no-touching sex tourism? And would you rather be in a house of prostitution or a house of prosciutto?

Gene Weingarten: Opium den. I visit an opium den but do not inhale.

wiredog: What did you think of the SkyWest vomit comet? I've ridden it frequently into Cedar City, Utah. If you like roller coasters, ride one of those things during thunderstorm season.

Gene Weingarten: Vomit comet! Excellent. I thought of it as the Retch Ketch.

Stick-Built: A "stick built" house, as any contractor will tell you, is one built entirely on-site. That differentiates it from modular or manufactured houses whose sections are built in a factory and trucked to the building site. You're welcome.

Gene Weingarten: Precisely correct. In Battle Mountain this distinction is very important, because an astonishing proportion of the homes are trailers.

Washington, DC: Towards the end of your very humorous piece, Gene, it seems as if BM grew on you a little bit. You seemed somewhat charmed by the fact that some nice citizen of Battle Mountain placed an ad about some missing pictures -- which would NEVER happen in D.C.

Don't you think that that small-town charm makes them somewhat better than us East Coast elites with our advanced degrees, business cards and hard cover books?

Gene Weingarten: Well, yes. That was sort of my point.

Reston, Va.: There's lots of towns in Utah like Battle Mountain, except they don't have whorehouses.

By the way, did you pay the ladies for the time they spent with you? If so, how did the accountants at the Post react to that particular line item?

Gene Weingarten: I talked to one of the ladies for five minutes, and then tipped her $10, which seemed about the right extrapolation. Thanks for reminding me; I forgot to include this on my expense account. I shall call it an "encomium." In my experience, no one ever questions an expense account item that sounds dignified.

Re: urban armpit: I think East St. Louis, Ill. is even worse than Gary. I grew up in Chicago and saw both. East St. Louis is definitely the pits.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, but the thing that seems to impress people about Gary is how you can both smell it, and see the air, before you arrive.

Washington, D.C.: Funny you should mention Chick-Fil-A. A few years back they opened a KFC in Elko and the natives were so excited they lined up around the block for the drive-through. I believe the wait was several hours. I guess fast-food chicken is big news out there.

Gene Weingarten: Basically, anything is big news out there. I was big news, when I came through.

Washington, D.C.: Though I've never actually lived in a small town, I've driven through and read about them. Legend has it that community is focused on home, school and church. You mentioned the first two, but was there a church in BM? Did people attend? Did you have a chance to talk to the pastor and/or minister, and if so, what did he say?

Gene Weingarten: Good point. I did not. I should have. There were at least two churches in town.

Washington, D.C.: Ain't it funny that Scranton and Wilkes-Barre are the only places that have reacted to the article by posting whiny, defensive things in the chat? Man, am I glad I left...

Gene Weingarten: I actually got a phone call last night from The Scranton Times, wanting to interview me about how awful Scranton is. I think they were disappointed they lost. I had the worst steak I ever had in Scranton.

Alexandria, Va.: You know, I found this article so mean-spirited that I'm still wondering why The Post accepted it. I've actually been to Battle Mountain several times and have wonderful memories of the people who lived there as well as the beauty of the high desert. You have to open your eyes to see something that doesn't look like the eastern seaboard. I was saddened to hear about the rough economic times Battle Mountain is experiencing. You show such eastern bias in your denigration of the people and the geography.

Gene Weingarten: I resent this deeply. The photographer also denigrated Battle Mountain, and he is from Seattle.

Our bias is coastal, not Eastern.

wiredog: Send Tom Seitsma to Scranton!

Gene Weingarten: This is an excellent idea. I contend it is impossible to get a good meal in Scranton.

Baltimore, Md.: Gene -

Did you always intend to write a full length article on the armpit of America, or did Battle Mountain just provide too much material to try and pare down to a single column?

Gene Weingarten: Initially, it was going to be a column. Then, I went and we concluded it was a cover story. Then, September 11 happened and we concluded it was no story at all. Then we all sat around and decided, sigh, I had to go back.

Washington, D.C.: What's the armpit of the DC metro area? Forget certain sections of the city which, after all, are part of our nation's capital. I submit Manassas, Va.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. My vote might go to Gaithersburg. But you didn't hear that from me.

Laughing: I love it when people think they have come up with such a deep insight about your article when you made it yourself multiple times in the piece. Case in point -- the person who just thought that he had a huge revelation in saying that Battle Mountain grew on you and oh isn't small town life quaint.

By the way, I don't care what you say, but I know that you know that despite the "found pictures" ad you and I would never be caught dead living anywhere near that town.

-- city snob and proud of it.

Gene Weingarten: The truth is, the thing about Battle Mountain and places like it that would most discourage me from living there is the complete lack of anonymity. Everything you do is everybody's business, because everybody knows everybody. I love NYC more than anyplace else on Earth because in New York everyone except Michael Jackson has a possibility of privacy.

Dallas, Tex.: I read your article on the plane from DC to Dallas and just about fell off my seat. Congratulations on the article. I was curious: What's up with the green American flag?

Gene Weingarten: I seem to recall that the Battle Mountain Longhorns have green uniforms. That might be it. I wondered, too.

Boise, Idaho: Great article! Battle Mountain and Butte would be a tough choice. Battle Mountain smells better and has Chukars nearby so I would have to go with Butte as my choice for the armpit of america.

Have you ever tasted a Chukar? They are far superior to Ducks in flavor and more challenging to hunt. The mounted speciman you saw must have been very dirty since they are not a dull brown bird but actually irridescent blue gray with striking masks on their face and bars on their wings.

Gene Weingarten: This is now the fifth defense I have seen of chukar meat. I am beginning to think I seriously libeled the damn little bird. Well, it is ugly.

Jackson, Miss.: Do you think a Krispy Kreme donut franchise could turn Battle Mountain around?

Gene Weingarten: No. It would take something real big. It would take a . . . Jiffy Lube.

Washington, D.C.: Great article. Why do you think the town residents have made little effort to improve Battle Mountain?

I've lived in a few different places, and one thing I've noticed about the less liveable towns is that when the residents have to context to judge the quality of their town (i.e. they've never lived anywhere nice), they make no move to improve it.

Do you think this applies to Battle Mountain?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this is an actual question of sociology. Shar Peterson theorized that part of the problem is that, like any mining town, BM lives and dies with the fluctuations in metal prices, which means that a large percentage of the residents are transients. No one spends a lot of time on improvements, not even to their own homes, because they don't intend to spend all that much time there.

Wheaton, Md.: You think Gaithersburg is bad, take a look at Bladensburg. Or Dundalk. Ugh!
By the way, where do YOU live?

Gene Weingarten: I leave in D.C., near Eastern Market.

Puzzled: So WHAT was the origin of Battle Mountain if the alleged origin was a myth (lie)? Why is this city there?

Gene Weingarten: Well, the alleged story was a lie, not a myth. A guy named the place Battle Mountain because he claimed to have won a battle there. It would have been a myth if he named it, say, Faerie Mountain, because he claimed to have encountered a Genie there.

Alexandria, Va.: Umm, Freudian slip on your part, I "leave" in D.C.?

Gene Weingarten: Ah. No. Just moved in. Here to stay. I don't make Freudian sleeps.

Gene Weingarten: Oop. We are out of time. Thank you all. See you soon.

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