Lynn Friedman, Ph.D. Craig Cola

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Grief in the Workplace
Hosted by Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.
clinical psychologist and worklife consultant
Wednesday, Sept. 19, 2001; 11 a.m. ET

For this discussion, Lynn will answer questions on dealing with grief in the workplace. If you've lost a loved one recently, are overwhelmed by the recent tragedies, or you just need to talk to someone about grieving and the workplace please send your questions and thoughts.

Disclaimer:
Lynn Friedman does not provide psychological or work-life advice to any specific individual. Rather, the content is intended to be for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any concerns regarding a psychological or worklife difficulty, seek professional evaluation. Do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of anything that you have read on this show.

The transcript follows below.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Washington, D.C.: Hi and thanks for the chat,

Now that a week has gone by, the different ways people handle grief are becoming evident, and experts are telling us that we are all normal. People react differently to situations. But as a result, I'm seeing people having a difficult time interacting with each other. For instance, if one person is beginning to feel strength and hope and is beginning to have positive moments and another person is continuing to feel despair and needs to share it with others as a therapeutic soundboard, there is a disconnect there. The person who feels ready to begin to move on feels tugged backward and a bit resentful, but wants to be there for her co-worker and friend. The person who isn't ready to move on wants someone to talk to, but doesn't want to be a burden to those who are trying to feel normal again.

How should people handle this?

Thanks.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Good morning everyone and welcome to the show. Today, we will be talking about the recent national (or perhaps, I should even say, "world") tragedy.

I am a clinical psychologist who practices psychotherapy and psychoanalysis in Bethesda. Also, as many of you may be aware, I provide work-life and organizational consultation.

Today, I am going to be trying to answer your questions about the national tragedy. Like you, I have been watching the media, talking with family and friends, and hearing about this since it occured. Also too, like all of my colleagues, I have been hearing about it directly from adult and child patients -- Also, in the organizational arenas in which I consult, I have been hearing questions very much like some of the questions that I have been hearing across these different settings.

Before answering any questions this morning I need to provide two caveats. First, this is the first time that any of us have had to cope with this situation. Therefore, we do not have all of the answers, yet. Although there is an extensive literature about coping with trauma, the kind of trauma is new to those of us who have been born and raised in the states. I will do my best to attempt to respond to your questions. However, I definitely do NOT have as many of the answers as I would like.

Second, any advice provided here is NOT a substitute for seeking professional consultation and evaluation. If you have any concerns about your fear, anxiety and coping, I would encourage you to seek psychological evaluation. Now, for the questions.

This is a good question. Different people have different ways of managing their grief and fear. And, I can see why you would want to provide support to your colleagues and friends. In some ways, it is similar to the situation in which a family member dies. Family members want to support each other but they have different needs at different times.

A starting point may be to recognize, outloud, that this is the case. And, to begin to create relationships with your coworkers in which it is O.K. for you to tell each other, "you know, I want to be supportive, but I just can't listen to this right now".

As for the idea that one person might be ready to "move on", the difficult thing about this is that we can't really "move on" in quite the same way. That is, we can (and, at times we may need to) deny the enormity of what happened. But, things are still very uncertain for us. That having been said, we are all trying to get back to the business of living our lives. I have some thoughts as to how we can do this. And, I promise to share them in this mornings chat.

Silver Spring, Md.: Am I the only one who feels as if I'm not holding it together at work? I'm finding it hard to concentrate, I cry every time I see a story of someone who lost a loved one, I just find it hard to be motivated during the day.
Others don't seem particularly moved, and I feel like I'm weak. Do you have advice?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: You don't mention the nature of your work or where you work but I would hazard a guess that you are in a profession that attracts those who are better at denying/minimizing avoiding their feelings. In every arena in which I travel, I keep hearing the same thing -- people are having a hard time concentrating at work. And, why shouldn't they be? Afterall, we have just sustained not only the horrific loss of lives but also a new threat to our national security. I think that there would be something wrong with going on "business as usual" as the world blows up around us. People in other countries who have experienced this sort of thing routinely have a very different notion about their own mortality than we do.

That having been said, there is no need to suffer alone. If your organization has an Employee Assistance Program talk to someone there. If you have a faith, seek out your clergy person. If neither of these are available to you, seek out the plethora of opportunities to gain support.

Best of luck to you.

Arlington, Va.: As I go about my meaningless bureaucratic day, it seems even more so now and the urge I have to flee DC under normal circumstances seems almost an imperative at this point. Does this get better?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: I wish I had the answer to your question. Probably, like you, I have never lived in a country in which terrorists attack -- before. I don't know if it gets better. I am impressed by the fact that the nation has mobilized to collaborate across party lines in restoring our national sense of safety. Now, as for your question about leaving D.C., independent of recent events, I am a believer in the idea that everyone should live and work where they want. So, if Washington isn't your cup of tea, I hope that you will write to us at the message boards about how to relocate.

That having been said, I think that many people are thinking about leaving Washington. It's not really about Washington per se, it's about wanting to go to a safe place -- wanting to restore their sense of safety. Unfortunately, the best ways to achieve those goals are through national policy and reaching out to one another. This is a time for people to come together and to help each other.

Calverton, Md.: Please describe techniques for practicing thought-stopping. For example, in the back of my mind while I am actively engaged in my job as well as in the front of my mind while going from one place to another in the course of my work, I am thinking about one aspect of another of the terrorists' attacks the second Tuesday of this month. Fear grips my chest and my lungs constrict. I have trouble concentrating. Meantime the supervisory personnel treat me as per their usual manner (disrespectfully and with short shrift). Talking to them about the problem would be another problem. What do you suggest?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Like everyone reading this today, I wish that the national disaster had never happened. But, it did. And, we can't help thinking about it. (And, in particular, I am very glad that our President and his advisors are thinking about it.)

So, the fact that you can't stop thinking about it is completely understandable. However, it is also understandable that you want to deal with it in a way that will make you feel a bit better.

I would encourage you to consider seeking a psychological evaluation. You can go to a private practitioner or if that is too costly, you can seek out help from one of the many agencies that offer services on a sliding scale.

The Washington Psychoanalytic Institute's CLinic offers reduced fee psychotherapy and psychoanalysis. They can be reached at: 202-337-1617. They can either provide you with a referral to one of their members and/or to another resource. The Baltimore Washington Psychoanalytic Institute has a similar clinic, too. And, I understand that there are others in this community.

Also too the Meyer Treatment Center, on Wisconsin Avenue, offers low fee and sliding scale services. The Women's Center in Vienna is another possible resources. Best of luck to you.

Arlington, Va.: You are so right in mentioning how important it is to remember that none of us have been through this before. This is unspeakable. I wanted to tell Silver Spring also that there is nothing wrong with him/her. I am fortunate in that even though I'm in a large company we are all trying to support each other as best we can. We are trying to get back to work but there are still lots of tears and hugs and stunned looks in the elevators. Nothing is the same. Thanks for doing this forum. God Bless America.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Yes. This has certainly brought out our patriotism. As for supporting each other in the workplace, actually, I think that it is a good idea for workplaces to provide a time and a place to talk about this. In that way, many people will be able to set their feelings aside and focus on their work. -- because they will know that there will be a time and a place for dealing with them.

This would also help in the situation described in "Washington, D.C.'s" initial question --- about how to deal with different colleagues who are in very different places on all of this. By having a formal meeting about this -- people can self-select. Those who need to attend can and those who need to stay away can do that, too.

My thought would be if your organization does not have people who are skilled in facillitating these types of meetings, it is a good idea to bring someone in from the outside, preferably professionals with some expertise.

College Park,Maryland: I work with the public. Aside from trying to cope with all this myself and working with colleagues who are also trying to cope, I now find that people seem to be calling or coming in with a bone to pick, as if they just want someone to scream at. Do you have any suggestions on what someone who is already on edge can do to cope with people who just want to pick fights?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: My first thought is that it is easier to pick a fight with the boss or the coworker or the subordinate than to deal with the fact that anyone, anywhere, anytime, without warning can blow up a building with our loved ones in it. Fights don't typically culminate in death and disaster and therefore they are more easily under our control -- unlike a building that gets blown up! So, my first idea is to try not to take it too personally. People are just really frightened.

Of course we all want to reassure each other and ourselves. And, we are still one of the safest nations. I would encourage you to seriously consider bringing someone in to work with your staff a bit -- so, that they can express their anxieties and fears in a more direct way. If you are a subordinate and not the boss -- consider going to your EAP or talking with your boss about this. I hope that this is helpful.

Arlington, Va.: I have been having trouble sleeping this past week -- the helicopters overhead and frequent sirens in my neighborhood jar me awake and I have trouble settling down. I have been having a nightcap which has helped, but I know that is a bad option for relaxation. Are there any other non-drug recommendations you have for settling the body and mind?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Great question. I agree with you, the night cap is not the best way to deal with your fears. I think that the most important thing that we can all do for each other is to listen to each other and talk about our anxieties and fears.

I realize that not everyone has a faith and that engaging in institutionalized religion isn't for everyone. But, that is one place to seek support. Also, since you are resorting to a solution that you are concerned about, I would urge you to consider seeking a psychological evaluation. Short-term counseling or therapy might prove incredibly useful.

Falls Church, Va. : One of my girlfriends best friends just recently lost her mother in the Pentagon, my question is my girlfriend seems really traumatized in having to console her friend who is asking her questions on what it is like losing a mother. My girlfriend lost her mother a couple years back.

My question is how can I, a person who sees the secondary emotional effects of the tragedy help those with closer links understand how to deal with the pain?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Nice question. It is possible that the tragedy at the Pentagon -- and, the fact that your friend's friend lost her mother, caused your girlfriend, to begin to think about (and, hopefully deal with) the loss of her own mother.

The best thing that a friend can do is to be there and listen. It sounds trite. But, the healing power of non-judgemental listening has been extensively documented. My thought: listen, empathically summarize and reflect what you are hearing. Don't try to offer advice or solve any problems. The loss of a family member does not go away. But, with support and caring from friends, it does attenuate in time.

If your friend's distress continues to be great, you can encourage her to seek help.

Virginia: I was out of the country on Sept. 11, and I feel like I got hit with the shock twice: once when it happened, and then again when I was able to get home. I thought I would feel better when I got home, but instead, everything feels worse. I am trying not to watch t.v., and to get out and go to work, but I feel so drained I just can't concentrate, and I feel guilty for not thinking about the tradgedy enough. Worse, I am expected to fly out to an engagement pary next month, and since the party is for me, I can't get out of it. I feel sick every time I think about going, even though I know it is several weeks off. And I can't make my fiance understand why I don't want to go. I don't know what to do to feel better.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: You are not the first person who I have heard from who was out of the country when this happened. I think that perhaps, in some ways, that is more traumatic than having been here. Why? Because back here in the States we were getting U.S. news -- we were able to talk with -- and by heard by other Americans. There has been a sense of solidarity and a ssense of community. Being out of the country, you may have missed out on some of that.

As I see it, your biggest concern here may be your fiance. He doesn't seem to be very in tune with your feelings about this. I would begin by trying to talk with him -- and, the folks giving the party, about your anxiety and fears. And, believe me, I do not think that you are alone. Most of us are not hopping on planes so quickly.

But, allow for the fact, that you may feel differently in a few weeks. I am hoping that the President will take a course of action that will make us all feel safer in the air. Best of luck to you and congratulatios.

Washington, D.C.: Good morning, Dr. Friedman.

I follow your online shows on the Post site and I have two questions for you.

Are you taking new patients? I would like to come talk with you.

Second, are you available to work with organizations around this trauma? My organization could use some help. Thanks.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Yes. I have made an effort to make myself available to new patients during this crisis. And, for those I can not see, I would be happy to provide them with a referral for treatment that they can afford.

As for your question about whether I am working with organixations. I have a specialty in organizational consultation -- in fact, I teach that at Hopkins.

I am making myself available to talk with the folks in organizations and trying to make myself available to provide support at this time, particularly to organizations in Bethesda/Chevy Chase and Upper Northwest. If I can't manage all of the requests that I receive I can make appropriate referrals. Thanks for asking.

Washington D.C.: First of all, I would like to thank you for doing this. I keep feeling so grateful for those emergency workers and grief counselors who, in trying to deal with their own feelings, are also there to help others. My question mirrors the first one. My boyfriend and I (and many other couples around us) are handling the current situation differently and it is driving us apart. I realize that this may seem a trivial concern, but it makes it so difficult to deal with things when I want to be surrounded by the news and he wants to avoid anything that reflects what happened. He claims he's just focused on moving on, but I am worried he is burying his head in the sand and not dealing with the emotions of the last week. I find that he says insensitive things (for example, how can the Ryder Cup be cancelled) and finds my preoccupation with this to be dragging on too long. How do you recommend we and our friends handle relationships when two people are reacting so differently?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Well we all handle grief and fear differently. There is no right or wrong way. Some people are listening to the news all of the time. Some aren't listening all of the time and some are in the middle. What's called for here is a basic respect for each other's style. Some people deal with grief head on and some deal with it slowly over time.

I would encourage you to talk together about how you might be more respectful of each others needs. Of course, if over 6 months, he never deals with this tragedy, that would be a source of concern. Similarly, if you remain preoccuppied with it six months from now, that would be a concern.

As for learning about each other -- you both now know a bit more about each other's styles of responding to anxiety and fear. If this continues to trouble you, consider talking with your clergy person or a couples therapist.

Portland, Oregon: Arlington who can't get to sleep and doesn't want to resort to a nightcap might try either exercise (though not too close to bed time!) or a nice long soak in the bathtub.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: These are good suggestions. Thanks.

WashingtonJobs.com: Hi everyone, since this is an important issue Lynn has agreed to continue to answer questions for a while longer. Stick around!

Washington D.C.: While in a meeting on Monday, while speaking, I suffered a MAJOR panic attack which caused me to be unable to breath or speak. Mid-sentence, I had to excuse myself. Now, I feel fine physically and mentally (though a bit embarassed by that episode). Of course, I am heartbroken for those that have lost and were lost in this tragic event. Obviously there is something underlying my normal personality. Can you explain a bit about the unconcious reactions people can have to such events? Thank you.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Without knowing more about you, it's hard to know what might have been going on with you. For example, I do not know what else is happening in your life right now. That is, we all respond in different ways -- why might you have had a "panic attack" when someone else might have had a different reaction. To answer that I would need to know more about you, your history and your experience.

Before using the clinical term, "panic attact" to describe what happened to you, consider the notion that like many of us, you might have felt terrified. Terror in the face of a national tragedy may very well be a reasonable, understandable reaction to a terrifying situation.

If your "panic attacks" continue, you can consider a psychological evaluation. But for now, consider being around your loved ones at this difficult time. Best wishes.

Fairfax,Va: Rather than raising a question, I'd like to mention a resource available to all in our community. The Hospices of the National Capital Region (where I work) is making available a variety of grief support services to the public, free of charge, through its Point of Hope Grief Councseling Center. First, a Helpline (800-255-3042) is available 9 a.m.-9 p.m., 7 days a week. Trained counselors and experienced bereavement volunteers are available by phone to listen and to connect callers who are trying to cope with the recent disaster. Second, support group/grief education, grief in the workplace -- training for community businesses, and grief in the schools support group for all school personnel sessions are being conducted at locations around the metropolitan area. Call 703-538-2044 for locations and additional information. I urge the public to take advantage of these services provided free of charge by trained, expert professionals who, through their hospice work, deal with grief, death, and loss every day.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Thank you so much for telling us about this resource. Please note everyone -- it is available free of charge and staffed by generous volunteers.

Washington, D.C.: My boss is a Muslim and people are making a lot of jokes about him attributing the disaster to him. What should I do?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: This is really sad. Muslims have a devout faith that emphasizes love, caring and concern -- just like many other mainstream faiths in the states.

What has happened is that we are all terrified. We don't know quite what to do with and about our fear. We are at "war" but with whom? So, some folks look around for someone to blame -- and, to pick on. In this way, they avoid dealing with how frightened and out-of-control we all feel.

What to do about your boss? A couple of things. Talk to someone in your EAP about it, if you have one. Also, talk to the boss. Tell him (no matter what your differences have been on other issues) that you completely support him and that their behavior is intolerable to him. That is, assert that you will not support this or any other kind of rank racism. As for your coworkders, be empathic to their fears about the national tragedy but tell them to knock it off about the boss. This is a time for ALL of us to pull together.

Austin, Texas: I'm a social worker and am really struggling with "diversity" being shoved in my face right now. Emails are frequent, with colleagues wanting to declare their lack of bigotry and hate. I'm a very non-violent person and not at all prone to bigotry or hate but I just can't deal with this subject being in the forefront every time I open a company email. I responded once that I didn't feel these emails were appropriate and immediately got a barage of email back saying that I should be on the side of tolerance and acceptance and berating me for not subscribing to diversity. This has made me feel that tolerance and acceptance are actually extended only to politically correct people or subjects. I'm beginning to feel like there's something wrong with me being in this profession, that I don't belong, although I never felt that way before.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Your colleagues are asking that we not scape goat innocent people. Just as you would not want to be responsible for the behavior of every member of your gender, innocent people who happen to be members of the same faith as the "evil doers" can not be blamed. To do so would not solve any problems in fact it would create new ones.

As for your reaction, it isn't pretty but it's pretty understandable. We all want to put a stop to the endangering of our loved ones -- and, it is unclear as to how that can happen. Remember that your response is driven by fear.

The complication in your situation is that as a social worker you are called upon to help others -- and, therefore, you have a greater burden/responsibility to get on top of these issues than the average person. Seriously consider seeking an evaluation for your own treatment. Your nearest psychoanalytic institute can probably refer you to a highly skilled clinician in Austin. Best of luck to you.

Pittsburgh, Penn.: I work part-time from my home, telecommuting, so when I work I am here by myself. I have not been able to concentrate on any work since Tuesday. When I sit down at the computer, I find myself compelled to check the latest news, and then get drawn into replaying all the dreadful events in my mind, and I just fall apart. Do you have any suggestions for how I can begin to re-learn to concentrate and get my work done?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: I hope that you have found the other suggestions provided so far to be helpful. Again, seeking support is extremely important. It's a time to be with family and friends. If you are a person of faith, seek support in that community. If your symptoms persist, consider seeking a psychological evaluation. Call the Pittsburgh Psychoanalytic Institute for a referral or get in touch with Western Psychiatric Institute (WPIC) -- they will be able to direct you to helpful resources. I hope that this is helpful to you.

Phoenix, AZ: We work in a small office (less than 10 people) and our boss pretty much admonished us for having the tv on watching the current events on Sept. 12 - the day after the event. Many of us needed to watch - our nation is at war and she was completely insensitive and told us to get back to work.
She's lightened up some, but still wants us to fly to Washington D.C. soon for a dinner and meeting. We don't want to go with such uncertainties in the air (not to mention the Reagan airport is closed indefinitely). How should we approach her?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Hmmm. Washington is a great place and when they shore up the security here -- I'd encourage you to reconsider.

However, you sentiments are completely understandable. If I were in your shoes, I might consider trying to get someone else to do the "dirty deed"; that is, someone outside of the organization. Can you bring in a skilled outsider to help your office and your boss (who may be protecting herself from her fear through denial), talk about what happened? If so, I would encourage you to do that. You can share your concerns in a safe atmosphere and than together you can all figure out how to deal with how you might be supportive of each other (including your boss who is probably as scared as you are). I hope that this is helpful.

Washington D.C.: Lynn:

I'm a 27 year old woman. My first reaction to this whole mess was sadness and grief. I've cried for a week. Then, fear: I'm terrified that my loved ones will be victims of another attack.

NOW... ANGER. I'm so angry. How DARE these people take away my fundamental rights as a U.S. citizen: FREEDOM FROM WANT, and FREEDOM FROM FEAR. I'm so MAD that 5,000 people (some were my friends) were brutally MURDERED by a faceless coward.

Help me. I can't sleep at night. I've slept at my boyfriend's house for a week, because I'm afraid to sleep alone. I'm afraid and I'm angry. How do I get over this?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: This will, like all things, take time. And, I suspect that we will never be fully over it. However, I would encourage you to seek help and support using some of the resources described today. Best of luck to you.

Arlington, Va.: Like many of my colleagues, I find myself unable to concentrate on my work in the wake of the recent tragedy. I realize that this is probably a normal and understandable reaction. But, if it persists, at what point should I seek help?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: This is a good question though there is no right answer to it. I would say a couple things about it, however. Noone should go through this alone. Everyone needs a place where they can talk about it. If you are away from family and friends, I would encourage you to seek support more quickly than if you were among your "nearest and dearest".

Also, I have a bias. There's nothing heroic about suffering in silence. Many people are having sleep difficulties, difficulties concentrating and other signs that they are frightened and worried. If the symptoms persist --- and, they are making you uncomfortable, seek an evaluation, particularly if you are still having these difficulties a few weeks from now. Best of luck to you.
------
Our time is up.

Thanks very much for your questions today. I wish you all the best of luck in dealing with this terrible situation. Try to take some steps that will help you to feel more in control -- whether it be seeking support and/or volunteering to help those in need.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
(301) 6569650
4401 East-West Highway, Bethesda, MD (2 blocks from the metro)
http://www.drlynnfriedman.com

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