Abigail Trafford

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With the uncertainties and anxieties of war, the tragedies of Sept. 11, 2001 caused us all to re-examine our lives. How will the holidays this year be different from last? How are you and your family making this holiday a special one?

Join Post Health columnist Abigail Trafford on Tuesday, Dec. 18 at 2 p.m. EST for a health talk on holiday stress, how Sept. 11 has changed the season this year and how families can use Christmas rituals and presents to try to bring a sense of safety back to children.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Abigail Trafford: Hello everybody. How are you doing? It's Jingle Bell time--a stressful time of year in normal circumstances. But this year, life is hardly normal. Or rather, it's not the way it was before September 11. We've learned a lot. We've learned how much we care for each other. And that brings us to the holiday season. I spent some time at Hecht's in downtown Washington talking to people about their plans. It's different this year. But the basic message is the same. And there's a longing to make it up to children, to give them a good Christmas. . . . What's going on in your house? Send me your questions and comments.

Arlington, Va.: I think, more than anything, Sept. 11 has put things into perspective so that families are coming together, ironic humor isn't funny and everyday risks seem worth taking as people realize how easily life comes apart.

Abigail Trafford: You're so right. This is the lasting perspective from September 11. It's important to come together because life is very fragile and precious. As a man told me in Hechts: "It's the reality of it all being lost in the next breath." At the same time, he wants to celebrate and do something special for his nieces. "They are innocent," he says. This is a happy time in their lives. This is what they will have to look back on in childhood."

Arlington, Va.: My kids are worried that there's going to be another terrorist attack on Christmas day. How can I disabuse them of this notion?

Abigail Trafford: By being open and truthful about the risk. Children can understand risk and what helps them is to have trust in you--that you are telling them what they need to know and are doing everything to keep them safe. Here's what I would say: Yes, here is concern about another terrorist attack. But it's not likely, and the government is doing what it can to protect the U.S. and prevent attacks. Besides, your parents are also looking after you. You are going to be with your parents on Christmas day. We will take care of you. So, even though there's a small risk and no one knows what the future will be, right now you are very safe with me. The truth is that there are many risks in a child's world. It's up to us parents to talk about the risks, put them in perspective, and reassure our children that we are here to protect them as best we can.

Washington, D.C.: What I'm doing differently this holiday season is not including a long holiday letter in my Christmas cards. I just don't think its appropriate to go into how each family member is this year, but to just remember our relationships and be glad of them.

Abigail Trafford: I've noticed that, too. In years past, we'd get long letters highlighting all the achievements of the past year. Who ever writes the bad news or about private suffering in a Christmas card? Sometimes the letters are written in the name of the family dog or cat. They are usually light and breezy. This year I notice a difference. Not as many letters. And the ones so far all acknowledged September 11 and try to integrate the national suffering into this time of "comfort and joy!"

Washington, D.C.: What can I do with my family this Christmas to ease the remorse and anxiety over Sept. 11 while still not ignoring it during our holiday celebrations? I feel that it should be acknowledged.

Abigail Trafford: Christmas is a way to heal. The rituals--from shopping to eating to exchanging presents--are aimed at healing the wounds that people have incurred over the past year. That's why the rituals are so important. They trigger memories of childhood and affirm important relationships. My advice is to acknowledge September 11 as a critical piece of the holiday celebration.

Athiest: I think that for people of faith, church and religion will go a long way toward helping them through the holidays. But, I don't go to church. What are the options for me?

Abigail Trafford: Faith is not dependent on religion or a certain building. Going to church or saying a prayer are guideposts to help people get in touch with their faith. But what about going to the Lincoln Memorial and contemplating the memorable words of Abraham Lincoln? Or taking a walk in Rock Creek Park and listening to the rushing of the water? Or going to the National Art Gallery and staring at a renaissance painting. They are all ways to affirm your faith in humanity and get through the holidays.
Another important way is to have a sense of humor. Start with Santa Claus. Talk about a hilarious concept! Laughing is a survival skill.
Good luck.

Fairfax, Va.: This may be a silly question but do you know if people are sending their Christmas gifts less this year because of the anthrax scare? Will the gifts get to our loved ones in time with all the security that might be involved in the postal service?

Abigail Trafford: Very interesting question. I think everyone is aware that the postal service is very stressed and people just aren't sending as much in the mail. Fewer cards, fewer presents. It's all part of the "keep it simple rule."

Virginia: I don't get along with my two brothers over the years. One is a dot.com millionaire. Advice, please?

Abigail Trafford: If your brother is a typical dot.com millionaire, he's hurting very badly this year. Why not give him a helping hand? You might find that he has changed in recent months. We all change. Old rivalries often fade. Why not make the effort to get along this year?
My other advice for the holidays is: lower your expectations. Family gatherings tend to be loaded with expectations of {finally} having a picture perfect family. Well, families aren't perfect. And lots are dysfunctional in big time ways. The hope is that common rituals smoothe the rough edges and allow people to enjoy each other. But if a family member is a kind of monster, chances are he or she is not going to change at Christmas dinner.
But wait a minute. That's what Xmas is all about. Remember Scrooge? Sometimes a gesture of love and generosity can promote major changes in others.
Good luck!

Beltsville, Md.: Why is it that as long as I stay away from sugar (sweets, candy, etc.) I'm fine, but the minute I break down and have that "one" cookie, piece of candy the floodgates are opened. The desire turns into a torrent and I can't seem to satisfy it until I've binged. And just to put your mind at rest, no purging, just an uncontrollable urge to eat more. The funny thing is that this didn't start happening until I got older. When I was younger I didn't even have the desire... THEN I hit 40.

Thanks

Abigail Trafford: You describe a universal urge. Holiday sweets open the floodgates of childhood memories and Garden of Eden love--not to mention they taste so delicious, they make your tongue drule. . . . They come in small sizes (chocolate balls, for example) so you think: one more can't hurt. But as you say, this urge can lead to a lot of calorie catastrophe. There's no magic bullet for self control. Some people serve carrots rather than sugar plums. Some people chew gum when they go to a party. Some people say, hey, it's just a holiday. If I blow it, I can spend the next three months working it off. The important thing, I think, is to find what works for you. You have to feel comfortable during this season and not feel threatened by the Cookie Thing. Holidays are stressful enough. What do you think will work for you? And if you need some help on this matter, consult a physician or weight control specialist. The surgeon general has just come out with a big report on the risks of obesity. There are a lot of people who can provide professional guidance on controling appetite and maintaining weight. It's all very hard. But this is a problem that just about everyone has to deal with during the holidays.

Arlington, Va: Ms. Trafford,

I don't know what to do. Every holiday season I want to have fun with my family and friends. But none of them are interested in spending time with me. Any suggestions?

Abigail Trafford: This is a mystery. Maybe you need an expanded circle of family and friends. After all, that is what everyone wants to do during the holidays--get together with family and friends. If they are not available or whatever. . . . I'd say, get together with people who are!
Let me know how it goes.

Arlington, Va.: Will local churches hold a special service this year to remember victims? Are more people volunteering this holiday season?

Abigail Trafford: I'm sure local churches and synagogues and other religious communities will remember the victims of September 11--and remember all those who have suffered a loss this past year. Immediately after 9/11, church attendance was up. I think it's back to pre 9/11 levels. But the holidays are a season when people want to go to religious ceremonies. And I hope that desire has translated into more volunteer activities.
I talked to a mom at Hechts who told me that she and her daughter were participating in a special program in Takoma Park to help children in homeless families this year.

Christmas monsters: "But if a family member is a kind of monster, chances are he or she is not going to change at Christmas dinner."

That would be my father. Every year, he yells at Mom for spending too much, yells at us while we open presents instead of eating "a proper breakfast," and barely grunts at the gifts we give him. He thinks the whole thing is a waste of time. He's alcoholic and abusive and has been like this forever.

This year, I really want Christmas -- and I have even less patience than ever with jerks like him. I really don't want to waste my holiday biting my tongue and trying to ignore him. What can I do to keep from doing something I'll regret?

Abigail Trafford: You capture why the holidays are so hard on families. I'm not a professional, so I can't give you that kind of advice. But here's what I would do. I'd think about the likelihood of another Christmas disaster. Then I'd ask myself some questions: what if I don't go to Christmas dinner this year? Why don't I create my own celebration with those who respect me and the holiday. How will I tell my parents about this? What about mom, who's taking the abuse? What are the chances of getting Dad into alcohol program? . . . . As you can see, the questions go far beyond Christmas dinner to the health of your family. Alcoholism is a terrible affliction for the whole family. It's a kind of disease that needs to be addressed. Each member has to come to terms with it. I know because there's alcoholism in my family. Sometimes you've got to "detach with love." That may mean you don't spend the holidays together. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. Getting through the holidays takes a lot of courage.

Washington, D.C.: This is more of an observation. We were visiting some friends who had their Christmas cards displayed. One was a photo of two children taken on a sunny summer day with the World Trade Center in the background. It struck me as entirely inappropriate card to choose, and I was not sure of the intended message, other than "we saw the WTC before September 11th"...not sure this works as a message of "comfort and joy", more like a morbid reminder of tradegy.

Abigail Trafford: I think it's a reminder that we are all still trying to deal with September 11 and there are many ways to do that. Each individual has a different method. Perhaps the senders were just trying to acknowledge 9/11 and tell people what was and is precious to them? But I can understand that this card would strike the wrong note. . . .

Rockville, Md.: Well, we're doing fairly poorly. My husband who suffers from various ills due to his upbringing is an abuser (no visible wounds, but he has threatened the family pets, said if commits suicide it's my fault, I don't think about anyone but myself, I'm a bad mother, etc.), his family excuses his behaviour due to the abuse he (they all) suffered, and my daughter asks me why does daddy always make everyone miserable, his therapist feels I "enable" him (hello, he outweighs me, and I don't want him taking the kids and drowning them and himself to spite me--I wouldn't be the least bit surprised).

Thank goodness for my family and friends who are quite aware of his behaviour, and are helping me put things into place for when I finally take him up on his offer (I should just leave, I can't do anything right anyway) to just go away.

And all of this was going on before Sept 11, but you did ask about family!

Abigail Trafford: My heart goes out to you. You obviously have the support of family and friends and are aware of resources that can help you. One agency in Washington is the House of Ruth. A general Telephone number is 202 745-2326. Information is available on the web : www.houseofruth.org.

Vienna, Va.: Do you think traveling by car or plane will be safe during the holidays? Are more people staying home or planning trips? I don't plan on going anywhere except for last minute but thought I would take days off anyways to relax.

Abigail Trafford: My sense is that more people are staying home this season. But it's important to understand. There are risks to driving, especially, on holiday weekends and these risks have nothing to do with the post 9/11 state of alert. We live in a sea of risks. But that doesn't stop us from living. . . and taking precautions like wearing a seat belt. I think takins some days off to relax is a great idea!

Thanks: ..for the response on our alcoholic father. We're fervently hoping he'll go see his brother for Christmas; for me, I can't imagine spending the holiday away from Mom and the other kids.

Thanks for the kind words. I've been to some therapy already and learned a lot about the effect of alcoholism on the whole family. The odds of getting him to admit he has a problem are nil -- he just thinks everyone's against him, and after so many years, I'm afraid he's right. But what I've learned has helped a little. It's just hard to deal with on the spur of the moment.

So I'll keep my fingers crossed. Thanks again for the supportive words, and happy holidays to you.

Abigail Trafford: I wish you all the best. So many people are facing what you are facing. And bravo to you for being such a support to your Mom.

Rockville, Md.: Last year at this time, I was laid up in the hospital, recovering from surgery. Since then, my life has been so happy that I find that I am now feeling stressed to make this the PERFECT Christmas to make up for not really having one this year. What can I do to not set up unrealistic expecations for myself and others involved with my holiday. I find I'm expecting a lot from everyone, including me.

Abigail Trafford: This reminds me of a story about the great poet William Stafford. A student came up to him and asked: what can I do to be a great writer? The poet replied: "Lower your expectations." That's such good advice. . . for everything. We're human, not perfect. Every time we try to be perfect and invade the province of the gods, we get beat up. So you are very right to acknowledge that you must keep your expections in check. After that, enjoy yourself! Give thanks with your friends and family that life has been so good to you this year. Have a wonderful (but not perfect) holiday!

Cambridge Mass.: I think by their very nature, rituals inform children of the passage of time, and the security of the inevitable "this too shall pass." These actions truly help kids to reinforce, on an intuitive level, their ability to proceed and integrate their emotional experiences. Celebrating the holidays can bring bittersweetness, but it represents the best instruction of the essence of life, which is change.

Abigail Trafford: You are so right! The rituals teach children how to survive. . . and flourish. Those same rituals soothe adults that "this too shall pass." That's why we all put so much store in the holidays!

Washington, D.C.: Christmas and 9/11 are stressful. We have a referral program here at work. How do they work? Is it like a hotline that I call and then they direct me to a therapist?

Abigail Trafford: Most referral programs in the workplace--employee assistance programs--refer people to reesources in the community. The process is confidential. Some companies have offered counseling sessions to workers in the aftermath of September 11. The New York Police Department, for example, has mandated counseling for some of its employes who were directly affected by the attacks.

Abigail Trafford: Our time is up. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I wish each and everyone a wonderful holiday.

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