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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, July 30, 2001; 3 p.m. EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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Carolyn Hax: Hiya. Remember, this week we have no serious problems.
Washington, D.C.:
I met a guy about four months ago that I really like. Problem is he isn't emotionally available. We started out dating but later I stopped it by asking him where things were going. He always seemed to be interested in me but the "relationship" didn't seem to be going anywhere. He always acted a little distracted. He just got out of a serious relationship that burned him pretty badly. We're still friends and I see him occasionally because we have mutual friends and end up in the same areas from time to time. I understand he doesn't want anything and even though it's hard, I can accept it. Hey, I don't know if I'm ready myself. But, I'm confused as to how much interaction with him is too much? Is it overstepping my grounds to invite him out to do things with me? I don't want to pressure him, but I do want to hang out with him occasionally. We have so much fun together. Suggestions?
Carolyn Hax: "Too much" is when seeing him is making YOU feel bad. If it's making -him- feel bad, he'll take care of that on his end.
washingtonpost.com:
For the poster with the question "Had About Enough" -- if you submitted on Friday as "Fists Clenched," Carolyn got to your question: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/liveonline/01/hax/hax072701.htm
Annapolis, Md.:
A friend of mine invited my boyfriend and I to go on vacation this fall with a group of friends. The destination and details are set, but no one has paid anything yet. When I spoke with her the other day, she mentioned that all of the other invited guys had dropped out, and therefore it was becoming an "all girls" vacation. She asked if I was still going to go, but left out my boyfriend, and I kind of stupidly mumbled yes. Now I'm not sure how to handle this. I was really looking forward to going with my boyfriend, and can't afford to do both a vacation with just he and I as well as this all-girl thing. If I drop out, I'll seem like one of those women who won't go anywhere without their s.o., but I don't want to use the remainder of my my savings and vacation time on a trip that doesn't include him.
Carolyn Hax: Well, the whole point of our wanting to be treated as equals is for women to be able to make their choices freely and without apology, so make your choice freely and ... with apology, I suppose, because of the misleading mumbling. Be honest. You have one trip in you, and you want to take it with him. though girl things are always a howl.
San Diego, Calif.:
ONLINE ONLY PLEASE!
This is so embarrassing I can't believe I'm asking it. Anyway, here goes:
I have a guy friend who likes me, A LOT. He is married with a child (I am married too, if that makes a difference). He doesn't say anything directly to make me think he likes me, I can just tell. He is very chatty and friendly with me, and isn't like that with the rest of the people we hang out with (we know each other through work). At least two or three times a week, he asks me to lunch (I usually decline unless another co-worker will be joining us). The problem is, sometimes when we are chatting or otherwise being social (at, say, a work-related happy hour), he becomes um -- how can I put this delicately -- visibly aroused. I can only imagine how embarrassing this is for him, but he doesn't do anything to try to conceal his "condition" or excuse himself. Meanwhile, I am mortified. I know that other people have noticed. Last time it happened, I quickly left the happy hour, but I know that it will happen again. Since we have mutual friends, I can't just avoid him without also giving up hanging out with lots of great people. Any suggestions about how to deal with this?
Carolyn Hax: Sorry this took so long--giggling too hard to type straight.
You're doing exactly what you need to do in this situation, which is pretending it's not really happening. Poor bastard.
Dupont Circle:
Hey Carolyn -- shoe question in honor of no-major-emotional-problems day.
What do you think of the knee-length boots? Not go-go boots, but tasteful heeled numbers? Also -- this season designers are showing mid-shin boots. What do you think of that?
Carolyn Hax: All for knee-high boots, go-go and otherwise; skip the mid-shin numbers if the proper euphemism for your build it "athletic."
Carolyn Hax: IS athletic. still giggling.
Rockville, Md.:
Hi, Carolyn,
My wife is pissed and since you are a woman maybe you can tell me what to do. Sunday afternoon we were hanging out with two other couples and one of the women started asking the guys what they most liked about their wives. My response was that my wife is easy to live with and doesn't hold a grudge.
Until now. The other guys said their wives were brilliant and beautiful.
So, tell me, what is the key to the doghouse door?
Thanks
Carolyn Hax: Pissed? Not hurt?
The other guys were sucking up and therefore weren't being sincere, and since you love your doormat-er-wife to white-hot distraction, looks and likability and all, it never occurred to you to insult her with a pat little pronouncement.
worth a try, but know you're fighting uphill.
Denver, Colo.:
I'm currently pregnant and should be about to burst by Halloween. Should I dress up as a washing machine or fishbowl?
Carolyn Hax: No no--Violet Beauregard.
New York, N.Y.:
Hi Carolyn -- I'm in need of some sensible advice. I'm in the midst of a rather arduous argument with my boyfriend. The crux of the matter is, basically, that I have problems trusting anyone. So often I take what he intends as helpful advice and twist it around to make it look like he's criticizing me and make him out to be the bad guy. I also snap easily and fly off the handle over little things. We hashed out this problem the other night and I am planning to go see a therapist to help me out.
Then yesterday, I snapped over something really stupid and cursed at him. He ordered me to leave his apartment ("Get out. Walk to the train. Get on it and go home.") and not to talk to him for a day because he is "tired of [my] moodiness." He accused me of taking advantage of his willingness to listen to my problems. He said he would have to give it a day to decide whether to accept my apology.
Now, I realize I did something stupid but his response alarmed me. Is it cause for alarm, or am I truly the one at fault here? I am really trying to seek help for my low self-esteem and trust issues, but I'm not sure that being ordered around like a 2-year-old is going to help.
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: Actually, if you flung curses at me, I might be proud if I could respond coolly and firmly like that. But then, if there is something wrong on his side of the equation--opposite dysfunctions do attract--then I don't want to be the one urging you to embrace it. Cool off for the day, talk to him tomorrow, see what happens, GET HELP. "Planning" buys you a week to gather names and make an appointment.
California:
Carolyn, here's my problem. I love shoes a lot, but I seem to be collecting lots and lots of black shoes, all slight variations on one another. How do I break out of this rut, and bring a little more adventure to my wardrobe? I recently got a pair of very cute red sandals, which is a step, but whenever I see non-black shoes that I like I always shy away because I wonder what I'll wear with it. Any advice?
Carolyn Hax: I learned to wear the bolder members of my collection by starting with jeans, or monochrome white/black/cream outfits. I now have orange, cherry red, burgundy, pearl, and furry fake tiger stripes represented, and that's just summer.
I feel so exposed for sharing this.
Alexandria, Va.:
Carolyn --
I'm in serious need of some subjective advice. I have a boyfriend who I adore -- we've been dating for over a year and I think the world of him. Only problem is that I'm afraid, in fact I know, that im hung up on an recent ex and as a result am unwilling to open my heart to falling in love with the current boyfriend.
Should I take this as a sign the current guy is not right for me? Should I try to find closure with the ex? Or try to understand why I still have serious feelings for the ex?
Help!
Very Confused in Virginia
Carolyn Hax: I think I'd take this as a sign that you need to be on your own for a while. You may never stop loving the ex, but clearly some mending needs to be done, and you';re not going to do it as long as you keep popping the new-guy-painkillers.
Washington, D.C.:
So question to go with our no-trauma week (I love this, by the way -- your chats were getting too dramatic for my taste). How do you know if someone is ready to date again? I mean, I've recently started seeing this guy and we kind of hit it off although he seems kind of aloof sometimes. I'm thinking that it might be because he recently got out of a long term relationship and might not be ready to jump back into a new one. Is this something you can bring up? Or would that put too much pressure? (I'm a guy as well, if that matters).
Carolyn Hax: No, it doesn't, but better to have more info than less.
(And thusly, a thousand War and Peaces were launched.)
This guy might be hurting, or he might just be aloof. The only way to get a definitive answer is to know him more over time. I see nothing wrong with bringing it up in the meantime, though, as long as you stick to the no-drama theme. "You're a quiet SOB, what's that about?"
Washington, D.C.:
Bunch of my gay friends went out as pregnant Girl Scouts one year. You could always try that route.
The middle-aged clerk at the office Girl Scouts of the USA store in D.C. was, needless to say, appalled. Especially when they tried to buy Brownie badges.
Carolyn Hax: How deliriously sick, thank you.
In honor of serious questions only:
Hi, Carolyn
My office is mostly high traffic cubicles. Sometimes if a few people are working late they will sit in other people's chairs to be closer together. One guy always adjusts my chair when he sits at my desk.
My question is: how can I kill him and get away with it?
Carolyn Hax: "I was trying to figure out how to kill you and get away with it, but it occurred to me that maybe I should just ask you please not to readjust my chair."
Anywhere, USA:
Hi Carolyn --
My frivolousness of the day:
I have a slightly out-of-control flirtation with a guy in a remote office. This is primarily via e-mail, some over the phone. We've never met, and work in the same department.
Is this horrendously unprofessional?
Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: Probably, but how horrendous would life be if we were all strictly professional.
Virginia:
Okay, this is kind of a silly question, but I don't know who else to ask. Getting married. Having a buffet dinner for about 60 people (give or take -- may be as low as 50 or as many as 80). Question: Is it a good idea to have placecards for this kind of thing? I've read that it's a good idea because it makes it easier on the guests, you don't end up with people sitting alone because they don't know anyone, and people can mill around after dinner anyway, but I don't want to make people feel like they're back in the third grade realm of "assigned seats" either. What do you think?
Carolyn Hax: If there is a sit-down dinner, vs. a roving-hors d'ouevres-type dinner, then I agree that assigned seats are the more merciful choice, especially when you have solo guests there who might not know a soul. Just don't imprison people at their tables. get to the milling portion asap.
Carolyn Hax: nothing like being the sole recourse for all matters silly. I swell with pride. or is it water-retention.
Chicago, Ill.:
Interesting response on social awkwardness. I suffer from the same thing as a result of having social anxiety disorder, I am starting to get a handle on my fears and other problems, but what I've found is that my awkwardness keeps me from engaging in a lot of otherwise social situations. How do I deal with this problem without overcompensating like the guy in yesterday's column?
Carolyn Hax: To me the difference is self-awareness. Having it means you're a pretty low risk for becoming Yesterday Guy (memory refresher: Porsche-buying, date-abusing, alcohol-guzzling flaunter of hangups), and you're also in a good position to choose your social situations wisely. Don't throw yourself into things that make you feel really weird. Venture out slowly instead--join things that involve some sort of activity (tennis, soup-ladling, envelope-stuffing, etc) and that put you in contact with the same people week after week after week. You know, pace yourself.
Re: New York:
Ugh, Carolyn, you're sometimes too nice to people. Why didn't you tell New York that if she acts like a 2-year-old, she should expect people to treat her like a 2-year-old? Geez, you'd think she'd be grateful for ALL the times her b'friend apparently has put up with her tantrums, but now one time when he doesn't, well, then something is wrong with him? Oh puh-leez! Don't indulge her capacity to think anyone who tells her to take a hike when she acts like a toddler has any issues, thereby distracting her from her obviously (and thankfully recognized) issues. What a brat!
Carolyn Hax: Just trying to balance out my more Satanic moments?
No, you're right, I was a day-old creampuff. Ugh. I flog myself, flog flog flog.
"Brat," by the way, is a word I don't use enough. Thanks.
Alexandria, Va.:
I spend almost every weekend watching TV in my PJs. I'm not depressed, I just like doing this. I do get offers to go out, but I turn then down. Is something wrong with me?
Carolyn Hax: Gratuitously comfortable PJs?
No, nothing wrong with any of it.
Carolyn Hax: But I wear hairy tiger-striped shoes, so weight my input accordingly.
Washington, D.C.:
Carolyn,
I am small breasted and have always worn a padded bra. I'm not trying to look like DD when I'm AA but some help in that area makes me look better in clothes. Recently my husband has been suggesting I ditch the padded bras. He says he prefers my body the way it is rather than "augmented."
Do you think this is a reasonable suggestion?
Carolyn Hax: Having made the suggestion, I'd say yes.
Washington, D.C.:
Perhaps more of a Miss Manners query, but we consider you a guru on everything, so...
Friday night my girlfriends and I were at a bar and saw a young woman whose undies were conspicuously visible (on the backside) due to some low-slung jeans, a skimpy backless halter top, and her lean forward positioning. We wanted to let her know. Her undies were not of the sexy, "let 'em see" variety, so we were pretty sure that she didn't want them exposed. But we were a group of four; she was with a bunch of girls, and we didn't want to cause undue embarrassment or butt in (so to speak) where we didn't belong.
What should we have done?
Carolyn Hax: Exactly what you did. one of her friends should have said something, but what was the ultimate harm?
New York City, N.Y.:
Hi Carolyn,
I know this has been asked repeatedly -- can you point me to a good Web site that has a self-screening for depression thing or at least a good list of symptoms? A friend has been exhibiting some behaviors recently that raised red flags, I mentioned my concern, he said he's look at a list. So, I need a list, and I can't find it in the chat archives. Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: www.depression-screening.org
i KNOW, I know, but it was such a quick and easy one. HeEre--penance: www.charlesdavid.com
New Jersey:
Carolyn,
LOOOOVE your chats, the book and the column. Hooray for telling it like it is!
Here's something a few of us are debating. Is it "normal" to have most of your social relationships come from meeting people at work? I subscribe to the "you spend eight-plus hours a day there, so of course you'll make friends" theory -- and have a handful of truly close friends that I have made and kept from past jobs. I also think that the older you get, the harder it is to make new friends, so of course, work is the ideal place to find them.
I have one friend in particular who is rather adamant that "work is not where you build your social life," but frankly, it's tough to be in your early 30s, not a bar-hopper and single and avoid doing just that!
I'm curious to hear your comments, and of course, those from the peanuts.
Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: just one comment, that it's a bad idea to be adamant about something really stupid. Friends are friends.
Philly, Pa.:
Dear Carolyn,
Bring on the fluff! I'm going to fit two questions into this before I run off to my meeting (have to miss the chat, sniff, sniff):
I'm in a wedding. The bride has suddenly decided that she wants everyone to go out after the reception. Am I obligated to go, or can a get a headache?
Second question -- going to wear a black and brown knee-length dress to the rehersal. Shall I wear flat strappy sandals, closed-toe heels with strappy backs, or buy a pair of strappy heels?
Thanks muchly!
Carolyn Hax: You can get a headache, get tired, or get a severe case of "No, thank you."
Shoe Rule 1: Do not pass on opportunities to wear strappy heel, assuming you can walk in them.
Shoe Rule 2: When in doubt, go with the style you don't own yet and therefore must go out an buy.
Wedding advice: place cards:
You can number the tables, give the guests their number, and let them organize themselves at the table. Best of all worlds!
Carolyn Hax: Can't beat that with a metal spike heel.
My work is done here. Thanks for playing along, and type to you Friday.
washingtonpost.com:
That was our last question today. Thanks to everyone who joined the
discussion.
Stay tuned to Live Online:
Astrologer
Charlene Lichtenstein at 6 p.m. EDT
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