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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, July 2, 2001; 3 p.m. EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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San Francisco, Calif.:
I and my girl friend, Jane Doe, who just got married with John Smith and has officially become Jane Smith, were attending a party last week. Everyone at the party was introduced or introduced himself by their first names. Except Jane. She always introduced herself like this: Hi, I am Jane SMITH. I felt very annoyed (perhaps because adopting another man's name is one of the things I hate besides slavery, or perhaps because I wasn't used to her new name). Am I biased? Overreacting?
Carolyn Hax: Prolly a little of both. To be fair, it's going to take some time for her to get used to her name, too--kind of like when women are newly engaged and they look at their rings too much. I look at my feet too much when I get new shoes, but nobody gets all in a twist over that. She made her choice, she's excited about it, it's different from one you would make, so be it.
Pittsburgh, Pa.:
Hello,Carolyn,
A good friend of mine is about to marry a completely unsatisfactory man. She is smart, funny, well-educated and attractive. He is a part-time electrician and carpenter. He went to a community college to learn to do electrical work so, he says, he could support his wood-working habit. She has had a number of chances at men who would be her equal. I don't know why she wants this guy.
Here, let me tell you how he proposed. They went out and came back to his house. There he had a set of books for her that she had read as a child. (Don't ask me where he got them.) Anyway he suggested he read one of the books to her and guess what? In this book there was a scene where a guy asked the main character to marry him. So he stops reading there and asked her to marry him.
I think this shows how manipulative this guy is but my friend just thinks the proposal was the greatest thing imaginable. They have already started to plan the wedding for September! What they plan is to have a picnic kind of thing in his backyard! For a wedding, can you imagine?
What can I say to get through to her? A group of us is thinking of confronting her together.
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: Absolutely, you should all confront her. Then your snobbery will be out in the open, instead of insidiously off her screen.
Unless, of course, he isn't as -bright- (note that I didn't say "educated") and she is and he really is manipulative and there's something wrong inside her that has her allegedly reaching so low. Then you should say something--the way people with spines do, one-on-one.
But all I have to go on is what you wrote, and all I see are a bunch of made-up reasons to indulge an anti-blue-collar bias. If you're going to include yourself among the smart, funny, well-educated and attractive (I'm taking a wild guess here), you've at least got to be more clever about concealing your hate.
Better option would be to open your mind enough to see whether this guy and your friend arent' in fact emotional and intellectual equals. Some of the most intellectually curious people I know came to it late, as in, after they'd either skipped or bombed at college. Need I point out that some of the most egregious rockheads can proudly mount a degree?
Fashionville:
Hi Carolyn --
Quick 2001 shoe question. "Black tie optional" wedding. Can one get away with stockings and open-toed shoes?
Carolyn Hax: stockings ... open-toed shoes ... advice columnist clutching throat ... [thud] ... on floor ...
The Dumpster:
What do you do when "the shoulder to cry on" needs a shoulder to cry on? I was always taught to be there for everyone else, but never ever show a weakness or need myself. Both MIL and FIL have cancer, MIL terminal. Best friend has AIDS, plus the usual pressures of working motherhood. Is it so wrong for once, to be able to cry on someone's shoulders? Hubby is wonderful, but not an objective perspective. Seeing a therapist is out, someone may find out and "ruin the family name and it took long enough to rebuild after your father left."
Why do people get so caught up in what others (even strangers) think that they will destroy any emotion within themselves/family?
Carolyn Hax: hello, HELLO? No therapy because you're RUINING the family NAME? question: if we've all just time-warped back to 1890s, is my mortgage payment still due?
First, my sympathies for this horrible time you've been through. Second, my sympathies for this horrible baggage you're carrying around. Stoicism isn't the same thing as strength. Look at your question--you are a human being, and you're asking -permission- to show emotion. You're caught in the false dignity trap, and I hope you see that clearly enough to get out of it. One way is therapy, but it's not the only one. Another is simply to talk to your friends, tell them you're hurting. Or don't even tell them you're hurting--tell them you love them, share other feelings, tell your friend with AIDS how you feel about him/her. Find places to put all that emotion and you'll not only feel SO much better, but your friends will probably be grateful, or the important ones will. For all you knwo, they like you but have always felt you kept them at arm's length, and would appreciate a chance to get closer.
There's so much here that I can't possibly get it all in here, but I hope that gives you a start. Sigh.
Wilmington, Del.:
Carolyn,
Came to light this weekend that my younger sister (senior in college, I'm a few years out) is in serious danger of not graduating. Though she's been hiding it well, she's been flunking her share of classes and switching between majors and such. To make things a bit hairier, some of this is probably due to too much time spent with her boyfriend.
I'll be seeing her soon and wonder if this is the kind of thing I should talk to her about. I don't want to be in the "Clean up your act Young Missy!" role that my dad seems to take, but I also hate to think of her just coming out of school with an MRS degree. Thoughts on how to approach the situation while maintaining the cool older brother role?
Carolyn Hax: Well, she is, what, 21? Instead of bugging her to clean up her act, why don't you stipulate to her grown-womanhood and just try to get her to talk about what her act is? She's hiding, so she knows damn well that the Family Disapproveth. Surprise her by having an open mind, and giving her advice only if she asks for it.
Flailing With Libido:
My husband and I are breaking up. We have been separated for two months, and divorce is lurking on the near horizon. I am, in no way, looking to date or be involved with anyone whatsoever -- I've got more than enough work to do on me.
So why oh why has my libido just shot through the roof? Husband and I had a not-so-great sex life, yes, but I have become a walking hormone. And I noticed a similar reaction after my last boyfriend and I broke up. It didn't last for a really long time, but I'm wondering why it's rearing its ferocious sex-goddess head again?
Carolyn Hax: Nothing like an empowered mind to power the ol' bod ... you're getting control of your life back after watching it veer off in a bad direction. It makes complete sense to me that your hormones would surge in response to that--especially if they've been tapping their toes on the sidelines for a long time.
Carolyn Hax: Of course, it's a nice bit of physiological cruelty, when you're newly sexpartnerless and SO not ready to get entangled with another one. Maybe this is why there are so many gyms.
Washington, D.C.:
Hey Carolyn.
Just found out my mom has a tumor in her kidney, and with our cancer-intense family history (her sister just finished chemo for breast cancer and her mom died of cancer fairly young) and the fact that she lost her other kidney about 12 years ago due to a tumor, my mind's reeling. Haven't gotten a lick of work done all day and my mind's all hazey and has kicked in to worst-case scenario mode. The phone call from her witht the news was my worst nightmare -- sorta estranged father died when I was 17 (I'm 24) and mom lives about 150 miles away. Surgery is scheduled for two weeks from now, and I'll be there by her side the whole time. How can I keep my mind straight until then? I'm already in therapy, so I'll talk to my therapist about this next time I see her, but what about all of the time in between? Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world.
Carolyn Hax: It is, I'm sorry. But it can also be liberating--this is out of your hands, so your only job is to stay glued so you can be there for your mom. Since you're already in therapy and planning to be around for the surgery, all I can suggest you add to that is to keep your life extremely simple for a while. Regroup--take a personal day if you're allowed--come back, do your work, eat, sleep. Don't demand a whole lot out of yourself beyond the bare minimum. Good luck, to both of you.
Laurel, Md.:
What is the best way to end a relationship when a child is involved? Not married, together seven years, terrified he will punish me by not spending time with our son. We just are not happy any more and I don't see any point in forcing it. Advice?
Carolyn Hax: Groan. Have you tried counseling yet?
The best thing for the child is for both parties to behave like adults. You can't make him hold up his end of that deal, but you can make it easier for him to be good about it. No accusing before he's done anything wrong, for example. Instead give him high expectations to live up to--"I know we're both strong enough to do the right thing by our son" (what can I say, I heard Hallmark was hiring)--and some incentive to live up to them. If he wigs out on you anyway, all you can do is try like hell to keep your son protected and stable.
Burbank, Calif.:
Re: Shoulder to Cry On:
I can relate because I am the one that everyone runs to when they need advice or a pat on the back. I recently went through treatments for cancer and it was difficult not to have anyone to share my fears and bad days with. My friends all said that they were there for me and then freaked out when I showed any sign of weakness. It just was easier not to say anything at all then to deal with their inabilities to see me as a human after all.
Carolyn Hax: No! No! No! When they freak out, you tell them how hurt you are that they promised to listen but in fact couldn't accept your human frailties. Sure, they failed you,a nd you were probably in no condition during your treatments to take this failure on--but if you're feeling better now, I would absolutely go to them and say, so, what was that about? The stoicism trap is -totally- two way, like all other relationship traps. For your own sanity, give them another chance to get used to you in a different, but three-dimensional and therefore far more rewarding, role. Some will fall away, but the ones worth keeping come through.
Rockville, Md.:
Carolyn,
I have noticed that you frequently suggest therapy or counseling for people who write to you. Well, I've been wondering: what happens when you go to therapy?
Carolyn Hax: You talk about your circumstances and what it is about them that you don't like or understand, and a therapist (a good one at least) will help you find different ways to think about the problem, identify it and ultimately find a way either to solve it or live with it. I think of it as teaching or tutoring, except in our emotional patterns instead of math.
Boston, Mass.:
Carolyn --
Your column yesterday made me sad. Isn't anyone faithful any more? Seems every time I open the paper I am reading about someone -- from world leaders to rock stars to advice columnist write-inners -- who has had an affair or is cheating. As a single person, it really makes me apprehensive to even think about getting married some day. Anything you can say to restore my faith in humanity?!
Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry. Adultery is remarkably common, statistically at least. That doesn't mean everybody does it, that you'll do it, that anyone you marry will do it. I do think, though, that it's a good thing to keep realistically (vs. paranoid-freakishly) in mind, that there just might be more adultery than there are jerks in the world, and that some circumstances do resist a black-and-white approach. Some circumstances, of course, are perfectly black and white, like the droppped-on-their-heads club yesterday. Wow.
Nashville, Tenn.:
Dear Carolyn,
I am stuck in an awful job situation. I have been looking for another position with no such lunch. The situation was awful but bearable, but has recently become unbearable. My chest feels constricted and I can't focus on anything. I have been trying to dig my way out of debt so I haven't been saving.
I know it is better to have a job while looking for another one, but how do I get through this? I am on the verge of tears at any moment.
Carolyn Hax: It's just a JOB, you can ALWAYS get through. Do you have any vacation saved up? Take it and look for work, hard. Read some of the previous questions today to remind yourself how awful things could be. Take long walks. Do breathing exercises at your desk. Coping skills, coping skills, dig for them--do anything anything you need to put this in a manageable perspective. That's how you get through anything.
More About Therapy:
Just a bit to add about therapy --
Don't expect a therapist to solve your problems for you, or to tell you what to do. Much of therapy is you talking, not the therapist lecturing you on what to do. I think many people have the misconception that a therapist will have all the answers, when what really happens is that a (good) therapist will -help- you find them. The patient does most of the emotional heavy lifting, so to speak.
Just my two cents as someone who's been in therapy for a year and has found it very difficult, if extremely rewarding.
Carolyn Hax: Cool, thanks
Anywhere, USA:
Dear Carolyn -- heavy day for you. Keep up the good works.
Carolyn Hax: I'm so glad you said that--I was feeling heavy today, thought it was just me.
Washington, D.C.:
Is Pittsburgh for real? That couple sounds great and she sounds like a petty, immature, snob. That message sounds fake it is so bad!
Carolyn Hax: Could have been fake, who knows. The issue is too real though.
Virginia:
I am interested in seeking counseling (first for myself, then for my husband and I). Any advice on what to look for?
Carolyn Hax: Me, in the waiting room. I've got to end this one for my own good. Goobye, happy 4th, type to you Friday for my Shoe and Fluffy Things Special.
(Oh--what you look for is a good relationship, like any other. Do you respect the person? Feel s/he listens, respects you, challenges you, has valuable things to add?)
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Washington, D.C.:
Carolyn,
You sound now like you are condoning adultery!
Carolyn Hax: eeee no--it's just that, the more I do this column, the more situations I see that I would describe as gray. It's still wrong, just more forgivably wrong in some cases than in others. Better?
Pacific Northwest Town:
I have been studying for the Bar Exam, and with the mounting stress, I have found I am sweating alot (it would be funny if it wasn't happening to me). Dumb question but what's the strongest deoderant on the market? I am so embarrassed with this problem!
Carolyn Hax: Try Mitchum, or talk to a dermatologist if it's serious flop sweat.
Really leaving now.
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