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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, June 11, 2001; 3 p.m. EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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New York City:
Online only, please!
Hi Carolyn and Lisa,
I love your columns and chats, and have been an avid lurker for over a year. The first letter in Sunday's column struck home with me, but with a twist. My husband and I have been together for over six years, with no children yet. We are very happy together, and although we have our moments, it is truly a partnership that works. However, in the past year, I developed an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker, in which I never actually cheated but the innuendo was unmistakable. It was a huge mistake, and I felt (and still feel) terribly guilty for having been so disrespectful of my husband and my marriage.
How does this tie in with the first letter in the column? At one point, I began writing in my journal about the attraction, recounting conversations between us, and so forth. My husband found and read the journal. Obviously, he was livid. He read excerpts of it to me, quizzing me on what each statement meant. It was absolutely torturous. Fortunately, he believed me that I had never been physically unfaithful, and we have been able to resume the trust between us.
Therefore, while he shouldn't have read my journal, I shouldn't have been playing with fire. But we are now closer and happier than before, and it's as if none of this unpleasantness ever happened. What do you think? Cause for further investigation, or let sleeping dogs lie? Thanks for any insight you can provide.
Carolyn Hax: I'm not going to step into a situation that has already been resolved. All I can tell you is that snooping is a peeve of mine with a capital pet. In my little planet, there is never, ever an excuse to reach for, open and peruse something that was clearly never intended for your eyes. I get a lot of people defending their snooping to me on the putrid "Everybody does it" grounds, but you know what? I don't do it. And if I can control the urge then everyone else can. Frankly, my snooping urge is pretty weak because the urge to respect the other person's privacy is immeasurably stronger. If there's an issue to be resolved, grow up and resolve it through honest channels.
One thing I do want to say about your situation: You are beating yourself up for this attraction/flirtation, but 1. That -was- normal 2. You knew it was wrong on your own. 3. Telling your journal about it was a thoroughly appropriate outlet for your difficult and complicated feelings. I hope you're through flogging yourself.
Carolyn Hax: Sorry, I got more caught up in that one than I expected. I'll pick up the pace.
Carolyn Hax: Maybe.
Anywhere:
So do you become concerned when you finally voice to the guy you are seeing that you have deep feelings for him and he gives you a tight hug and just tells you how cute you are for saying it outloud, but doesn't say anything in response? am i asking too much to have him say something back?
Carolyn Hax: "Cute"? I'm sorry.
Not reciprocating means he:
-doesn't feel the same way.
-doesn't feel the same way YET.
-doesn't know how to say that he feels the same way.
None is particularly good news, but the last two are at least surmountable. It's your call whether you press him for details or sit back and see what develops, but if you're happy with the way things are going (or were, before you professed), then I'd vote for sitting back. The reason is -he- might not know yet, and making him decide all but guarantees that the decision won't go your way. If you've felt him pulling away, though, and your professing was an effort to keep him, it might be time for A Talk.
Washington, D.C.:
Okay, I've got to know. The poem in yesterday's column; was that your doing, or are you taking credit for Nick's work?
Carolyn Hax: My feelings are very, very hurt.
Washington, D.C.:
Carolyn,
I'm at my wits' end. My boyfriend and I get along wonderfully. The only sore point in our relationship is that my sex drive is stronger than his is. I seem to always have to initiate and if I don't, we don't have it at all. His excuse is that he is always tired, etc. I feel strange as a female feeling like I have to chase after him. I'm pretty certain that he isn't cheating but I don't know where to go from here.
Carolyn Hax: I don't know either, since this is a notoriously difficult problem to resolve. I don't like that he's making excuses, though. He's not "tired," he's less interested in sex than you are, and he owes you an honest discussion of why--even if his ultimate insight is, "I don't know why."
BTW, men AND women can have low sex drives. You aren't less of a woman just because a man is less interested; that's stereotype stuff and doesn't belong here.
New York:
Carolyn:
That last girl you gave advice to in yesterday's column? Whose guy put a huge priority on "space" and then wouldn't get in touch with her for weeks (to be with "other friends") and who's 10 years older?
I'll give you 5-1 odds he's sleeping with someone else. And it's probably his wife.
By the way, among all The Post guys, there's a clear best choice for you: George F. Will.
Carolyn Hax: Yeah, I thought of that, but having a spouse at home is but one of the many reasons he might have for treating his gilfriend like a bag of dirt. Throwing that possibility in would have needlessly limited the discussion.
And, not to continue the highy embarrassing online pimping of Friday, but this one forces me to ask what you people are SMOKING. I mean, the Lloyd Grove one made me laugh because I am so, WAY too vulgar for Lloyd, and I couldn't believe that didn't come through in our various writings. But with Will, my rudeness would be an even greater issue than it was with Lloyd if it weren't for the fact that to Will, I'm practically Commie.
Oy.
New York, N.Y.:
A therapist once told me that people write secrets down partly out of a desire to be found out. I don't mean to excuse snooping, but it does make you wonder why people take the risk of exposing themselves in print, even in a book hidden in a trunk under layers of clothing (true story). By the way, I used to snoop on my girlfriend reading her diary and she used to snoop on me reading letters I was writing to my brother. Somehow knowing that we were actually communicating in a way we couldn't do face to face was amazingly reassuring to me.
Carolyn Hax: So good that you found each other then.
Baltimore, Md.:
I recently learned that a friend of mine may be involved in a cult. Not one of those mass suicide, crazy religious things, but more like a self improvement, give me all your money and time type of thing. The more I read up on it, the more I want to help my friend get away from these greedy, brainwashing people. The thing is, I am SURE she doesn't realize the potential harm this is doing to her. Still, she was just talking the other day about how she needs to go out and get a second and maybe even a third job to pay for these expenses.
So, do I say something to her? Show her all the material I have found in my research about this supposed cult? Or do I just let her figure things out for herself and just hope she doesn't fall too far into debt doing it?
Carolyn Hax: By all means, show her your research--but be prepared for the organization to have prepared her to rebut all this stuff. Sad.
Ah-lington:
Carolyn - I wanted to know your take on old love letters. I have a bunch of love letters saved from a relationship long gone. I haven't been able to bring myself to throw them out, because I keep thinking that some day I will wish that I hadn't. I haven't read them in a couple of years, they are just sitting in a box, but I know I am over the guy and it seems like I should just toss them.
So what are old love letters -- something to toss or something to treasure?
Carolyn Hax: I went the tossing-and-regretting route, so there's my bias. Unless they're taking up a $120-a-month self-storage unit and the money could be better spent toward your therapy, why throw them away?
Carolyn Hax: Oh, just don't date anyone who considers snooping a legitimate way to communicate.
I'm still nauseated from that one.
Washington, D.C.:
Did you catch Joel Achenbach's Rough Draft about putting McVeigh to death? Wow. Very powerful.
Carolyn Hax: I agree, brilliant. Then, maybe I thought it was brilliant because I agree--the way to deal with these people is to pack up the microphones and leave them to stew in their impotence.
Of course, I've just made things worse by talking about it.
Re: Ah-lington Love Letters:
Here's at least one good reason to chuck them: I somehow have kept a number of love letters from various past relationships. Sometimes my wife will quote passages out loud and then mock me for being mixed up with such incredibly slurpy girls. Oh, the horror! The horror!
Carolyn Hax: Keep the letters, chuck the wife.
Hank Stuever:
What am I, chopped liver? Honey, I SPEAK SHOE PORN.
Carolyn Hax: Size 8. Pony up, Shoe Boy.
Carolyn Hax: Is it hot in here?
Washington, D.C. :
Hey Carolyn,
I'm so hoping you can help me with this. I'm just not sure what to do here anymore.
My family is a mess right now. A few months ago, my brother got busted for using drugs (nothing too serious but enough to cause a stir). Needless to say, the parents were shocked, mad and hurt. And they still are. My father became totally depressed, and views my brother as a totally lost cause. My bro has since gone away to school, after being expelled, and hardly ever comes home.
Now, not only do they not trust him anymore, they don't trust me either. If I yawn, my dad asks me if I'm high! They're convinced I'll either fall into drugs, or am already on them, which I'm not. This is creating real tension. How can I make it better?
Carolyn Hax: Wish I knew your age ...
The answer here is for you and Dad and whoever else lives at home to start TALKING to each other. You're the one who is going to have to take the lead. Tell you father that you're worried about him, and that you miss being able to talk to him. He may take your lead and soften a bit, he may not. If he softens, then try to get him to talk about how your brother made him feel, and his concerns about you. Don't accuse him of accusing you all the time--then he'll just get defensive. Ask instead if there's any way the two of you can get past the drug issue and start talking to each other about other things, school, life in general. Unfortunately, living under emotional lockdown like this is one of the things that gets people into drugs in the first place.
If your dad isn't open to talk about stuff, you should talk to a counselor at your school. You need to get this stuff out regardless, for your own well-being. Pls let me know how it goes.
Silver Spring, Md.:
So, if snooping in journals is not OK, how come looking at the hub's Internet history (see Friday's chat) is?
Carolyn Hax: I'm not a big fan of that either, not if it's deliberate. It can occur inadvertently though.
Arlington, Va.:
I had a blind date a couple of weekends ago. Great woman, we have a lot in common and really hit it off. We spent all day together. As the date was coming to a close, she invited me into her home. We had a few more drinks and the next thing you know, we had sex. I am not saying it was a bad thing, but it was not want I wanted on a first date. Afterwards she said she nevers sleeps with someone on the first date, it must of been the drinks.
I really enjoyed her company up to that point. What should be my next step.
Carolyn Hax: Ask her out again.
I can't believe you had to ask me this.
She had sex on a first date, yes, and so did you.
Why is it up to her to say, "I never do this ..."
Grr.
Bethesda, Md.:
What do you suggest when you ask your spouse if an old girlfriend has been calling him and he emphatically says, NO. Then something came over me, I saw his passcode for his phone and just at random one day, checked his messages and she had called. When I asked him again, after hearing her message, he said he has not heard from her. When I confronted him and told him I dishonestly called his voicemail, he was more furious that I invaded his privacy, then the fact that he lied. Then confessed she has called him a couple of times, but he has not encouraged her, nor has he seen her. What should I do? I don't think he has been unfaithful, but how do I get over this? He reminds me that I was so brash as to sneak into his messages, but doesn't seem to put much weight on the fact he lied to me! HELP!
Carolyn Hax: You're both brazenly wrong, and obviously there was no meaningful amount of trust between you beforehand or you wouldn't have been grilling/snooping and he wouldn't have been lying. If I had to make a snap ruling, which I do, I'd say neither of you was mature enough to be in a committed relationship.
Internet history...:
I'd also point out that a computer is probably going to be joint property and than anyone with half a brain realizes that his or her Internet history is going to be recorded and that there are simple ways to erase said history. The only comparison to be made to a journal would be to a journal that was left open on the coffee table.
Carolyn Hax: Marked with Post-Its. Thanks.
Texas:
I am 25 and live about an hour away from my parents. After college I moved back in with them for a few months until I got a job, that was three years ago. Ever since then they seem to have regressed into thinking that I am a teenager again, even though I have given them no reason to doubt my judgment. They want to know where I am and who I'm with and what we did, and what I'll be doing tomorrow, and when I'm coming to visit again, etc. They never acted like this when I was in college. They call and tell me they'll be in town for dinner, don't ask if I'm busy, or if I would even like to join them, just TELL me when to expect them. Now a group of friends and I are going on a road trip about five hours away, and my mother has ANNOUNCED that she is going as well. I've tried to explain that no one else's mommies are going to be there, but she doesn't seem to get the hint. She is having some health issues right now and is overly emotional so I dont want to upset her, but everytime she mentions coming along I want to scream BUT YOU WEREN'T INVITED! Any idea how to politely discourage her?
Carolyn Hax: Methinks you've taken the polite thing far enough. Your parents treat you like a teenager, but you are also letting them treat you like a teenager. Accept your half of the responsibility and start fixing the damage. I'm not going to tell you how because you're 25 for god's sake, but I'll throw you a hint: The word "no" features prominently.
Baltimore, Md.:
Dear Carolyn,
I don't drink, as I get loaded from two drinks, get a rash and start puking almost immediately. Not fun. But whenever I go to a bar, my friends or coworkers always try to insist that I have a drink. I explain the extreme consequences of my drinking, but all I hear is "C'mon! You can have ONE drink! What do you mean you're not drinking?! Just one!" It doesn't stop. I'm perfectly happy not drinking, and would never spoil anyone's time. How can I get these people to shut up already? I'd rather not have to vomit all over to convince them.
By the way, for anyone out there who tries to merrily insist that their friend has a drink after they refuse, your friend may have some great reasons for not drinking that they don't want to explain to you, like that they're taking antidepressants, they have an alcoholic parent, etc. So shut it already.
Carolyn Hax: I wish I had some advice that could stop stupid people from being stupid, but I don't. All you can do is not see them or not care.
To the person with the untrusting dad...:
I basically went through the same situation when my sister became pregnant (she was 18, I was 15). My parents became really strict with me although I never gave them any reason to be. I think it is a natural reaction at first, but what I finally did was sit down with both of them in a neutral place (no distractions) and we had an open talk. What it basically came down to was me saying "look, I am not her" and then letting them know that I learned from her situation and wouldn't go down the same path. It seemed to work with me -- for what it is worth anyways.
Carolyn Hax: Thanks, I appreciate it.
Sorry:
Sorry Carolyn, but for once I disagree with you about the death penalty thing.
I don't want to pay for any mass murderer to sit in prison watching cable. It costs a lot less to be rid of him this way than to have to hear about him coming up parole in 30 years (i.e. Manson).
Carolyn Hax: If it costs me an extra $6.99 a year in tax money to deny him the satisfaction of claiming victory, I can do with one less sixpack a year. Please. The whole point of his crime was to claim that victory, and we handed it to him.
Hurt & Angry, MD:
My sister-in-law and her husband cannot conceive a child. My husband and I have been very sympathetic and supportive, because we couldn't either.
Friday night, at a family gathering, Kate and Bill said that they were going to exhaust all the medical avenues available to them. And they would never consider adopting a child, because there's no way they could consider an adopted child to be family, "because it wouldn't have our genes."
Stunned silence -- our two children were adopted and are adored beyond the telling. Thank god the phone rang and saved us from having to respond to that. (And no body did -- not us, not our parents, nobdy.)
Three days later, I'm still hurting and getting even more angry. (This would explain why our children have never gotten a Christmas present from them...) What do I say to these people? Or should my husband talk to his sister? What about the other relatives who kept quiet?
I'm jsut beside myself not knowing how to respond without blowing my stack.
Help, please.
Carolyn Hax: Your husband should talk to his sister, you should forgive the silent ones (we've all been in the too-shocked-to-speak spot and, believe me, they're in their own hell), and we should all be glad these morons aren't having children.
I'm sorry. Yours just a much more intense version of the alcohol question above. I can't advise Kate and Bill not to be small-minded morons. Your husband--or you, if you discuss it w/ him first--can try to educate them, starting with the fact of how profoundly offended you are. And you can go home and love your kids to pieces. Beyond that, what?
Carolyn Hax: I'm going to bail. feeling out of sorts, hope it didn't show. Thanks for checking in, and type to you Friday.
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Carolyn Hax: By the way, I do know that executing a prisoner has been shown to cost far more than life imprisonment--but that was beside the point. POint is, even if it were 100 times more expensive to incarcerate, I would prefer that to letting him make his statement.
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