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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, May 25, 2001; 1 p.m. EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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Encinitas, Calif.:
Dear Carolyn,
I've submitted this question before, but since I haven't seen a response in the online discussions, I'll resubmit. If you have responded already and I simply missed it, maybe you could direct me to the right transcript?
Long story sorta short -- I'd been wanting to move from the East coast to the West coast for some time, and when things came to a head with my commitphobe boyfriend, I decided to start planning my move. As luck would have it, he got an unexpected job offer from a company on the West coast, and asked me if I would move there with him. I told him that even if we were both planning to move, nothing had changed in our relationship and I would not be living with him unless we were engaged. That's when he told me that he had overcome his fears of marriage (under the possibility of losing me?) and that he wants to marry me. Aside from some parental guilt on his side, we were both very happy to take this new direction in our lives.
It's several months later, and not only have I not found a job yet, my boyfriend just found out that he will be laid off in a few months. We are both okay financially for a while, but the boyfriend is having leanings toward moving back East, where the job market is just as bad but he has contacts which would make it easier to find a job. However, I'm close to finding a job (maybe not a dream job, but a stable job) after months of searching, and if I do, I will have a very hard decision to make. Do I live where I want to live, or move back to a place I definitely do NOT want to live (and don't have nearly as many job contacts as he does -- unless one of his contacts deigns to offer me a pity job -- ugh). If I have to work at a crappy job, I'd rather do it in a sunny, beautiful West coast city. And while the thought of moving all of my stuff, including my dog, all the way cross-country again breaks my spirit, the thought of being without him breaks my heart, especially since we have finally gotten to the point where we can start planning a future together. Carolyn, please advise.
Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry, I can't. And you really don't want me to, do you? It's either the guy or the place, and I can't tell you which one is better for you. Though if going back East is so bad, I'd be wondering why my BF wasn't taking that into account.
Dallas, Tex.:
Dear Carolyn,
In the last few months, I have become close friends with a woman in my office. When I found her crying in her office a few weeks ago, she confessed that she is gay and her partner had just broken up with her. I had suspected that she was gay, but assumed that she would tell me when she felt comfortable. No one else in our office knows. Someone in our office recently made a comment to her (not mean or offensive in any way) that could be contrued to mean that he also knows she is gay. She asked me later that day if I thought that people knew, and I said that no one had commented to me about it, but I suspected that other "office" friends of hers had probably figured it out. She was very upset, and still seems to be angry with me. I'm not sure what I should have done, or what I should do now. Ideas?
Carolyn Hax: Did you tell her that you had figured it out before she ever said anything? That's the only piece of information that seems to be missing from what you told her ... but then, to know that she's thiinking I'd have to be mindreading twice removed. If you're this woman's close friend, take her out to lunch and talk/listen to her.
Chicago, Ill.:
Hi Carolyn --
I have a difficult situtation that I can't discuss with anyone because I said I wouldn't. A friend tried to commit suicide recently. While we are very close, we are not in contact as we once were and I was completely unaware that she was in trouble. The act was brought on by a bad experience with the guy she had been seeing. He seemed unable to be mature and responsible enough to be in a serious relationship and said some terrible things, broke her heart. My problem is that while she is in therapy and on medication, I belive she has gotten back together with this guy. Can that possibly be healthy? I realise that she has problems in her life larger than him (though many of her problems stem from her relationships with men) and that it was the culmination that brought on the suicide attempt and it's not just his fault, but I can't see how she can be getting past this episode while having him around or forgiven him so quickly and still be progressing. Should I be concerned or just butt out and leave this to her therapist?
Thank you.
Carolyn Hax: You can do both, be concerned and leave it to her therapist. The boyfriend may not be the healthiest thing for her, but there's not much he could have done to "bring on" a suicide attempt--especially if all he did was behave immaturely and break her heart. I mean, we'd all be dropping like flies if that were all it took. The extreme response was her doing, her problem, her -illness.- It's great that she's getting treatment. As her sort-of friend, all you can do is keep your eye on her for signs that she's plummeting again.
Massachusetts:
Hi Carolyn (online only please),
My parents are driving me berserk. I just came home from a second year of college and they insist upon treating me like a child: knowing where I go and who I'm with all the time, insisting on driving me places that I can get to myself. I think they have a problem with the fact that I'm becoming independent of them.
What is most difficult is the constant comments about the future. They refuse to "tell" me what to do, but their expectations are clear (e.g. medical school, law school), and they shoot down ideas that don't coincide (e.g. taking time off to travel, acting). It feels like they look at me like a personal achievement instead of an independent person.
The thing is, I love them and missed them over the school year. But the constant pushing is getting hard; they can see me as a kid or an independent adult, not the transitioning something-in-between that I am. I love them and need their support, but I also feel the need to find my own way which it feels as though they are impeding. What's the smoothest way to deal with this? Should I just move out until I'm completely independent? Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: Have you said all this to them, and asked for a more workable arrangement? Being able to discuss this--rationally, and without getting all defensive--would say more about your maturity level than bugging out in a huff.
New York City:
Carolyn,
Please, please, please help save me from becoming an angry, bitter woman! I'm beginnning to notice permanent brow "furrow" marks and it's scaring me!
I'm the victim of a commitment-phobe! To make this short and to the point -- we dated for about a year. Two months into it he told me he loved me, four months into it we were talking about marriage (we're both in our late 20s), six months into it things started to cool a bit, eight months into it he suddenly "checks out" emotionally but forgets to share this detail with me, 10 months into it -- decides that the TV is much more interesting than I am and then 12 months into it I just can't take it anymore and I ask if he's fallen out of love with me or if he wants to break it off.
He breaks it off with me -- over the phone (we live six blocks away from each other).
So, needless to say, I'm a bit sore -- a bit sad -- and A LOT confused. How do I ever trust someone again? This man was the master of disguises. He presented this wonderful man who said and did the right things. But then slowly (totally under the radar) he started to change -- a little here, a little there. And boom, there I am staring at the phone receiver wondering what alien just took over my boyfriend's body and has deemed it appropriate to end a year long relationship with the aid of AT&T?!
How do I keep from becoming totally jaded?
Carolyn Hax: Think. At least for starters.
"Love" after two months isn't a compliment, it's a distress flare. What the hell does any of us know about anybody after eight weeks?
But jumping to the love-conclusion is really the only thing here that's out of the ordinary. He thought you were It for him, and then the more he got to know, the less that proved to be true. Well. It happens every damn day, and it's why people shouldn't get married too quickly--and why you should have been more skeptical yourself. Meanwhile, his eroded feelings were smack in the middle of your radar the entire time: six months, coooling; eight months, emotional withdrawal, 10 months, TV. Hello? At what point is it overtly sexist to blame all this on the man?
I know you just got dumped, and you're hurting, and I'm sorry. I know I'm piling on. But to slap the "commitmentphobe" label on someone just because he has the nerve not to want to go out with you anymore is extremely unfair--to yourself. You're not giving yourself the chance to understand what really happened, and to learn whatever you can from it. Such as Dating Law No. 1: Sometimes it doesn't work out.
Carolyn Hax: Oh, and yes, the phone-dumping was lame.
Dowtown D.C.:
Carolyn,
Gay man here. Please advise! I have been in self-imposed dating/relationship exile for a couple of years: very private person, grad school, soaring career, etc. I travel frequently and run into the same group of work related folks while on the road. I have recently been in the same travel/work circle with this wonderful guy. We have had an immediate connection, but my GAYdar has failed me. He is the most kind and sincere person I have met in a very long time. We hug upon greeting one another. Etc. On the other hand, he is divorced with a child and vaguely mentioned a girlfriend some months ago. Any thoughts?
Carolyn Hax: You know me, I'd say just ask if he's family. But I'm also just an oblivious straight person who's never had the twin stresses of hitting on someone AND discerning orientation. Maybe the gay peanuts out there have some useful approaches to this? Thanks.
New York, N.Y.:
Hey Carolyn and Lisa,
Would you guys throw out there that anything submitted online is for the online chat only. I am getting sick of seeing people throw into their questions some version of a request to keep their question and your responce "online only."
Thanks. And keep up the good work.
Carolyn Hax: Well, no, because it isn't. I read through (or at least try--you guys've been drowning me lately) all the unused online questions and pull out good ones to use in the column.
Since we're on the subject though--people shouldn't submit questions for the online hours to my email (tellme@washpost.com) address. I get way too many submissions to cut-and-paste them all into the Web page. If you can't submit through the Web link for some reason, pls let Lisa know. (Um Lisa is that okay?) Thanks.
washingtonpost.com:
Oh yah -- always let me know when there are problems. Sometimes I can fix, sometimes not, but it's always good to hear about. lisa.todorovich@wpni.com. -- Lisa.
Dallas, Tex.:
I've been married for about four months now, and except for one problem everything is wonderful. The problem: I am Christian and he is not. This was always a minor issue while we dated (seven years) but now that we're married I can see that it's getting more intense. He used to respect my beliefs, but now he's making lots of negative comments about my prayers and saying he doesn't even want to be around me when I pray, which is only in his presence once a day. This depresses me, because if I can't share my faith with him I at least wish he would refrain from criticizing it. Can you help me?
Carolyn Hax: Actually, I disagree that your faith per se is the issue. It's that your now-husband has, for some reason, used the milestone of marriage to try to change the terms between you that had been established over the previous seven years. That's not only unfair, but disrespectful--and most likely rooted in some other problem. Eg, he's having some regrets, and so things that never bothered him before are suddenly fraying his nerves, and he's taking that angst out on you. Take a deep breath and ask him about this.
If the two of you can't find a way to talk about this productively on your own, marriage counseling is the next step. Good luck
Arlington, Va.:
Love after two months isn't always a "distress signal." If it is, I'm still waiting for the distress to hit after 10 years of marriage. We also got married when we were both 23, so I think we meet all of your criteria for a failed marriage. Except, of course, for the fact that we're still married, and still very happy.
Carolyn Hax: And I'm happy for you! Really. I just don't think exceptions make great policy, even happy exceptions. Very new loving feelings can grow to become old and established loving feelings, but I'd still be extremely wary of planning my life around them.
Re: Downtown D.C., failed GAYdar::
Hi Carolyn -- I'm a somewhat oblivious straight person, but in response to Downtown D.C., why not just ask the guy if he's seeing anyone and if not, would he like to go out for dinner or coffee or whatever? If this guy is so great, he'll politely decline because he's not gay, not interested, or attached. You don't have to just come out and ask "Are you gay?" because that still doesn't mean that he'll be interested in you. If you ask and he gets freaked or has a bad reaction, maybe you didn't want to be friends with him anyway. That's just my two cents; I know gay courting and relationships are different, but i've seen that there are some fundamentals shared by both the straight and gay experience.
Have a great holiday, Carolyn!
Carolyn Hax: Thanks, you too. I appreciate the post.
HORSEPUCKEY:
You can so TOO fall in love in eight weeks -- or less, I'd say!
You can cram a whole lot into an eight-week time period. My husband and I met, spent nearly every day together, getting to know one another. We took roadtrips. We e-mailed. We cooked for one another. By six weeks, we were professing love. It took another 12 months for an engagement, another year for marriage. But it all happened and every day is bliss.
You need to be more flexible, Carolyn!
Carolyn Hax: See, now why couldn';t you just disagree with me without dragging my flexibility (or in-) into it?
1. Quick professions of love are a known warning sign of controlling behavior that often gives way to abuse. I know it can also lead to happily ever after, and I happen to be a faily hopeless romantic. But I'm not in the business of couseling for the best-case scenario. People need to look out for themselves first, be pleasantly surprised second--not the other way around.
2. You had two years to make sure you were right about those first eight weeks. That's smart.
La Jolla, Calif.:
Hi Carolyn,
I am usually an amused non-participant of these chats but decided to take a leap of faith today.
I seemed to have given my BF the silly notion that I am not a low-maintenance partner, but rather a NO-maintenance partner. We have a pretty good relationship except for the fact that I can't recall him ever taking me out, cooking me dinner (I cook for him all the time and we've been dating nearly two years). Everything has been very "equal," I pay my share, he pays his; which is fine. Its just now and then I like to feel that he knows I deserve a little effort. How do I bring that all up without sending petty or selfish?
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: Howdy.
You should stop seeing reciprocal affection as a petty or selfish request, for starters. You deserve it, you need it, you're right to expect it.
You're also half the reason you don't get it. You cook for him all the time, so you make this arrangement possible. Just say to him that you realized you're always the one who is cooking, and that you'd love it if he volunteered. Start with the facts instead of, "You never do anything nice for me," which is the fast track into a corner.
One thing you should do before you say anything--consider what you get out of this relationship, not just in food form. You may well be giving while he takes--certainly isn;t an unusual dynamic--but he also may be giving in other forms that you haven't given much thought.
On GAYdar:
If the interested guy is comfortable doing it, he could try bringing up his ex-boyfs in the convo, to subtly imply his own orientation, and see if the other guy responds in kind. This could be risky, depending on how out he is, but slightly less risky than just asking.
Carolyn Hax: Okelydokely, thanks.
20036:
Hi, Carolyn. My husband and I have to go out this weekend to visit his dad and stepmother. I really don't want to go. The wedding was a few weeks ago and his stepmother behaved horribly. Even I thought so, and I didn't give a damn about the wedding. Now I've got a sinus infection and we have to drive out for a brunch they're throwing for all the people we wouldn't let them invite to the (very very small) wedding. My husband isn't too jazzed about going, either. Given that neither of us wants to alienate his dad, any advice to get us through to Monday? Do we just keep our mouths shut and think about puppies or something?
Carolyn Hax: Yep. It's just one day.
Unfortunately I have to bail on time today. Thanks for stopping by, and I'll type to you next Friday, since Monday we have a responsbility to honor veterans by snarling traffic on every bridge in the Northeast.
Is there anything more perversee than an American holiday?
Anyway. Speaking of perverse: Don't forget, wedding special Wednesday June 6 at noon. Buh bye.
Gay peanut:
A nice and subtle technique is to mention having been at a gay establishment or event that wouldn't be ordinarily known to the straight crowd. You can gauge the reaction, if any, and move from there.
Carolyn Hax: Good good, thanks.
washingtonpost.com:
That was our last question today. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.
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Two Month Declarations in D.C.:
I know there are many out there who have a wonderfull life with the person who loved them after two months but I dated a man who professed his love after four dates. I felt weird about it but this guy (I later found out through unhappy experience) was a masterful controller. I'm a pretty intellegent person and probably could have spoted the signs on my friends but it flew past me. Your average person has too many insecurities to admit to such powerfull feelings in such a short amount of time. He never had any doubt that I would follow his lead or come around sooner after he told me the one thing so many people want to hear. Warning lights should definately flash. Then be pleasently surprised if it's genuine.
Carolyn Hax: Thanky.
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