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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, May 18, 2001; 1 p.m. EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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College Park, Md.:
Dear Carolyn,
I am a 20-year-old sophomore at the University of Maryland. Many would say that it is way too early to be thinking of marriage, but it is at the forefront of my mind. I have many friends out there who are older than 25 and not married, and "Sex in the City" is out there giving no encouragement. Then there are my friends who are still in college, or just graduating that are getting hitched quite young. I just wonder, if I don't rope a husband by the time I graduate am I destined to have to wait until I'm 30 to get married?
Thanks for reading,
Looking for encouragement in CP washingtonpost.com :
Someone please tell me this isn't real. -- Lisa.
Carolyn Hax: Wait until 30?!! You might as well be dead.
If you want to get divorced, be sure to rope yerself a husband before you have any clue who you are or what you're doing with your life. Good luck.
Carolyn Hax: Oh, and to add to the annoyance of the time change, I'm also starting/quitting early. Happy Diva Day.
Alexandria, Va.:
Carolyn,
I need unbiased advice and I hope you can help (online only please).
About a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend over commitment issues. I'm surviving; he's already dating.
I was doing OK until yesterday when I suffered a miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I wouldn't want to be pregnant -- there is no room in my life for a baby right now, but now I'm a wreck. I'm coming apart at the seams and I don't know how to help myself. What I do want to do is talk to him. We haven't spoken in weeks, by mutual agreement, but I think he should know about this. I know he can't do anything but I don't want to be alone in this.
Would it be wrong to let him know? Would I only be hurting myself more?
Carolyn Hax: Actually, my instinct is to say you should talk to him. Wow. This is tough. I'm sorry. But unless he has a known and broad insensitivity streak, he might be the only one who can understand how you feel right now.
BEfore you go calling him, though, maybe we should let the peanuts weigh in. I always want to exhaust the possibilities with questions like these.
Eating Disorders:
Carolyn,
Can you please tell me if I'm under/over-reacting here?
I was talking to my sister (registered nurse -- not ignorant on this matter) about what a pain it is to watch what you eat -- we come from a very weight-conscious family with a neurotic but well-intentioned mom. I've always viewed it as a family quirk (we're all kind of nuts), but my sister tells me that if she's eaten too much (I don't think she goes on epic binges) she vomits everything up. Uh-huh. She doesn't see it as sick, says she's only done it maybe three times -- didn't get defensive or anything and was very matter of fact about it.
My question: could this not be a big deal? Is it only dangerous if it becomes daily/weekly?
She blew it off -- do I just let it go?
Carolyn Hax: I think it's unnatural and foul, and your family food history is strained, so there's no way I'd dismiss it as harmless. But unfortunately, as long as she's dismissing it as harmless, you're not going to get very far with her. Migh he;lp, though, for you to do some reading--at least then you have abetter chance of gettign through to her. Try www.edap.org (Eating Disorder Awareness and Prevention).
Sarasota, Fla.:
Hi Carolyn,
Need your take on new boyfriend and two women he has been dating. Before he and I begin dating, he needs a short time (one or two weeks) to end it with them. Should it take that long?
Carolyn Hax: I have about 20 questions for your one.
He's your new boyfriend, but you aren't yet dating?
He's scheduling breakups?
Oh never mind. If he breaks up with them, I suppose that's all that counts.
Arlington, Va.:
During Monday's discussion, you answered a question from a "bi-curious married male" by suggesting counseling to help him sort out his attraction for men and help him decide whether he should remain in a hetero union. Where does one go for such counseling? Although I have never been married, I am a male with a similar attraction for other men that I have been unable to sort out in my own mind. Where is the best place to look for "sexual orientation counseling"?
Thank you.
Carolyn Hax: The same all-purpose therapist, I would think, that you'd go to for anything else. It's all just sorting through your emotions and understanding their source.
College Park, Md.:
Are there any clues to tell if a girl is playing hard to get? And what can it mean if a girl is doing so?
Carolyn Hax: You feel like you're being yanked around, and she isn't mature enough to be taken seriously.
Carolyn Hax: No bias there, I promise.
Re: Alexandria, Va.:
Her motives for telling him play a big part in this decision.
She is not trying to win him back or make him feel guilty, is she?
If she is looking for support does she think he will help? Will he even believe her?
This is tough; I think she should turn to family and friends and get through the hurt first; then consider whether to tell him.
I am so sorry.
Carolyn Hax: This is re the miscarriage question, for the ADD set.
You're right that motives are important, and it's worth posting--she does need to ask herself what she wants out of him right now--but it's just such an icky thought that (a) anyone could view this is as an opportunity of any sort and (b) that anyone would question someone's sincerity on this. Sigh.
Re: Settling:
Hey, Carolyn --
A quick remark on your "settling" response in today's Post.
Any person who's had more than one partner knows that "spark/fire" (I read this to mean sexually, as I assume you do too) is incredibly different from relationship to relationship. Some relationships that have absolutely mind-blowing "spark" are totally unworkable, and some relationships that are fantastic across the board may be somewhat less outstanding in that particular arena. Would you argue that it's impossible to be in love/happy without "settling" unless the relationship is among the "sparkiest" you've ever had?
Carolyn Hax: Actually, I see spark/fire as sexual only in part. The other part is just a sense of being drawn to someone, of wanting to breathe the same air, of feeling as if this is a person to whom you don't have to explain yourself. I wish I had the words.
I agree that all relationships become some form of settled, but that's not the same thing as settling for less than the above.
Falls Church, Va.:
Here's a guy's perspective on the woman who just had a miscarraige and wants to needs emotional support from her ex-beau. He's dating already after only one month, which tells me that he was more than eager to get out of that relationship and move on with his life. Let him. Contacting him might make you feel better, but I think there is a good chance he will be cool and distant, which would make you feel even worse. Let the guy have his exit. Find solace elsewhere.
Carolyn Hax: Always a risk. Ultimately, this depends on the guy, and I think she probably knows whether he'd be sensitive to her or not.
Re: Miscarriage:
Based on a friend's experience, I'd say tell him. He may feel you're being massively unfair to him if you don't. Unless you expect him to be a real a-hole about it, in which case I'd say your emotional well-being is more important. Also, Carolyn, you missed your typical advice here. I think counseling wouldn't hurt -- miscarriages are hard.
Carolyn Hax: Thanks for the other side.
Good peanut showing, I appreciate it.
Engaged in Fairfax, Va.:
Interesting challenge. I first noticed your column in The Post a few months ago (sorry it took so long). Since then I've worked my way through the archives. Now I feel I should invite you to my wedding in September. What's a guy to do? My invitation list is so long already!
Carolyn Hax: If you read all the archives, you've been punished enough. Thank you though.
Anywhere, USA:
Carolyn,
I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years about a month ago. While everything between the two of us was wonderful we had one major difference -- I want kids, he doesn't. Even though we weren't near getting engaged I felt as though that would never happen if we couldn't get passed this "kids" issue. Anyway, we ended up breaking up a month ago. But despite the break up we still care a lot about one another and still want to remain in contact and remain friends. Do you think that two people who still care for one another but know that in the long run cannot be together romantically can remain friends?
Carolyn Hax: This is going to sound odd, but how old are you? If you're in your early twenties, I can see you being friends for a while and shifting and changing and eventually moving on. But if you're older and your choice of this guy was rooted in experience and self-knowledge, you're probably torturing yourself.
Boston, Mass.:
Hi Carolyn --
I am secretly harboring hurt feelings because I feel that my in-laws do not pay much attention to my toddler children. I know my husband agrees, but he says it's normal in his family not to spend a lot of time with relatives.
In my mind, I can't help comparing my in-laws to my parents, who are warm and attentive without being overbearing.
My dilemna is this -- my toddlers are just starting to ask why they talk to one grandma and grandpa almost every day, and the other set once or twice a year. I don't want to generate any bad feelings or scar anyone for life. How pushy is too pushy in trying to maintain contact with the in-laws? They're not unfriendly, just apathetic.
Carolyn Hax: No, they're neither unfriendly nor apathetic. They're -different-, and you need to get used to that instead of expecting them to be like your own parents and judging them when they're not. Remember, they raised your husband, which means that, despite your disappointment in them now, they are the formula that created someone you love. So. Accept them as they are, and then you'll be in a position not only to answer your kids' questions, but also to teach them something. Explain that people come in all different shapes and sizes and they show love in different ways--which is fine as long as you're all being good to each other. Right?
Re: Should She Tell:
I went through something similar a few years ago. Broke up, he was already dating somone else. Found out I was pregnant, had a miscarriage and wanted to talk to him about it. He decided I was lying and being manipulative in order to get him back in my life and he told all our mutual friends that I had lied. I suggest she talks to her doc about counseling before telling him, or go to friends that she knows will be supportive. He may have been a great guy while she was with him but not that many guys can understand what it is like to loose somehting you knew you weren't ready for and weren't even sure you wanted. Until she can sort out her motives and her feelings she shouldn't say anything to him.
Carolyn Hax: Thank you. Oy.
Alexandria, Va.:
I HAVE to respond to College Park. I was the same way -- my mom was pressuring me to grab a husband, I was freaked out about being alone; I got engaged right before graduation and married a year later. Fast forward six years -- I had spent most of my 20s married, eating, and paying for a house in the far suburbs. I left, lost 20 pounds, gained a ton of insight, and generally found myself. But, in the process, I lost the freedom that I should have had in my 20s. College Park, be brave -- go out and be you before you have to be a wife. I'm 32 now, just got married again last August, and I'm finally happy, but regretful for what I missed.
Carolyn Hax: These are some hard miles we put on ourselves, aren't they.
Dee Cee:
Carolyn,
Would you give the same advice to an unmarried couple with children (living together) as to a married couple with children, when it comes to resolving relationship issues before deciding to separate (counseling)?
Carolyn Hax: Yes. Same responsibility.
Woodbridge, Va.:
Re: Today's Column
Wow, a woman is a stay-at-home mom who loves her husband? How radical and extreme! Could you villify her any more? Maybe she married, had a kid and grew up? People do change. Maybe she just doesn't want to keep such a loser friend anymore? Sounds like the friend is completely misrepresenting her because she doesn't have time for her. Boo hoo, kids take all of your time when they are young. Grow up and get a life!
Carolyn Hax: oooh, I want to hang out with YOU.
Reston, Va.:
Here's a male perspective on the miscarriage question -- she should definitely tell him because he too has suffered a loss. I agree with the postings about not using the occasion to try to get him back, but if I were the guy in this scenario, I would be very hurt if my former girlfriend didn't turn to me for help and comfort when this sort of thing arose.
Carolyn Hax: Last one, thanks. It still sounds as if its a matter of how nice a person the ex BF is.
Northeast:
Carolyn --
Just a comment to the woman who's RN sister vomits sometimes. My mother-in-law, also an RN, does this sometimes, too. Like the sister, it's only been a handful of times when she's over-eaten at a very tasty meal and then just felt so full and bloated, throwing up the food offered a degree of physical (not emotional) relief. It takes 15-20 minutes to feel full from a meal and some people don't realize they've eaten too much until it's too late. Personally, if the person isn't exhibiting other worrisome signs, I would not qualify this as an eating disorder/problem. Just my 2 cents!
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: Great, Puking RN Day.
I'm sorry, I think it's irresponsible to ignore the mother-implanted food issues here. And just weird to ignore the fact that, say, taking a long walk after a binge is the shorter distance between two points. I guess I've always been of the mind that a healthy human will do just about anything to avoid a faceful of porcelain. But that could just be me.
For "Ex-Best Friend" -- talk about being [BLEEPED]:
Carolyn, Wow. Normally your advice is just great, but this time I think you are wrong. Frankly, I'm surprised you made such a rash judgment on the poor mother saying that her stay-at-homeness is satisfying her "need" to be extreme. Give me a break!
How about you have a kid yourself and see how it radically changes the way you hanlde your life. This isn't some "I gotta be the best" thing, it's an "I've brought into this world another life, and I want to do my best to nurture him/her" thing. Any selfish, self-centered traits you had before parenthood go right out the window the moment you bring the baby home, and not always peacefully. Heck, sometimes I wanted to jump out the window right after them.
I know the flakiness thing isn't really the issue here (since you addressed it), but I think it's important to let the writer know that having a 10-month-old child is REALLY challenging. It is simply very difficult to just pick up and run off with your buddies any time someone wants you to. And even if things are planned in advance, you never know what's going to happen with the kid at any moment! What if the baby suddenly gets a fever? Is that reason to drop a friend? Come ON!
Personally, I think new parents should be given at least one year's slack on being flaky.
That said, I still think this person should drop her ex-best friend -- not because the of the new mom's flakiness -- but rather to remove this horrible friend from the mom's life. The last thing a new mom needs is pushy, self-centered friends.
Signed,
BLEEPED
Carolyn Hax: Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Kay?
Yes, parenthood changes people and priorities and all that. But come on, anyone who's seen that change many times up close knows that the degree varies wildly by person. Some mothers are the same friend you always had but with some other priorites and interests. Some lose their [bleeping] minds and become baby-centric freaks. It's like the whole cancer thing--an obnoxious person doesn't become a saint when he gets cancer--he just becomes an obnoxious person with cancer. Let's not elevate all parents of Small Ones to sainthood.
Somewhere, USA:
Is there anyone, in your opinion, who does not need counseling?
Carolyn Hax: People who've already had counseling.
Whence the hostility? I recommend therapy to people who are having trouble coping or understanding why they keep making counterproductive decisions. So what's the harm in getting some help.
Washington, D.C.:
I want to end it with my boyfriend. The problem is that we live together. I have no clue how this is supposed to work. Do I just announce that I want to break up and pack my things? What is the basic ettiquette in this area? Thank you so much.
Carolyn Hax: Yeah, break up and go. That's roughly the drill.
Carolyn Hax: But you will have to deal with logistics, too, like how long you keep paying rent.
So what's the etiquette of signing off early? "Bye, I'm going now, thanks!!"
Oh, and would the person who asked me about my evolving views of single motherhood pls resubmit? It's a great question, but I saw it after I signed off last week. Thank yew...
washingtonpost.com :
That was our last question today; Elvis ... er, Carolyn has left the discussion. Thanks to everyone who joined the
discussion.
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