Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, May 7, 2001; 3 p.m. EDT

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses" or select "Automatically Update Page."

Boston, Mass.: Answer this online only please. Last week you answered a question about a friend having broken a borrowed item by accident. You said since it was an accident the owner should pay to have it fixed. I have a twist on this. A friend borrowed my car this past weekend while I was visiting my parents (with my full consent) and accidentally left the lights on one evening (even though the car sounds a warning when you do so). Anyway, she didn't tell me about it, but I almost couldn't start my car this morning, and found that the clock and radio settings were messed up. I asked her if she knew anything about it, and she admitted she had left the lights on one night and forgotten to tell me about it. She apologized profusely. We are financial equals. Who should pay to replace the car battery?

Carolyn Hax: Same answer, actually. She should offer, and you can accept, decline or split, but the graceful thing to do is decline and pay for it yourself. Normally I'd say she's kind of a loser for not offering, but if she's like me she doesn't think you need a new battery. doesn't it recharge as you drive?

Anywhere: Carolyn:

Your column has gotten me thinking about going into therapy, but I don't see how it could help. What is a therapist going to tell me about myself that I don't already know? I've known myself for decades, while a therapist would be entirely unacquainted with me. I know I'm a myopic observer, but so is the therapist I would be seeing. In fact, if he or she believes half the foolishness taught in psych classes, I'm more clear-headed than he or she is.

My friends also know me better than a therapist would. I'm more comfortable talking to them, than to some random stranger, and they care about me more. If talking to them is of no use, then what good could therapy be? It seems I should just accept the fact that my life will never be any better than it is now. After all, it takes longer to undo a pattern than it took to engrain it, and I've been learning dysfunctional responses for decades.

Any comments?

Carolyn Hax: Plenty.

1, if you know every damn thing, then why are you miserable? I'd advocate therapy for you just so you can see there's no such thing as having it all figured out.

2, just because you and your friends "know you," it doesn't mean they're the best-equipped people to help you. What all of you might not know, and what a good therapist should, is the root cause both of your you-ness and your unhappiness. Much as we all like to think we're unique, there are just so many patterns of behavior out there, and I can guarantee an experienced therapist has seen more than a few like yours. Why not benefit from others? Why reinvent the wheel--possibly at your weary friends' expense?

3, maybe because you're kind of attached to being miserable? You wear it with just enough pride to raise the i-want-attention flags.

4, you really have nothing to lose. Give it an hour or two, and then you can dismiss the whole institution with that much more authority.

Fairfax, Va.: Any suggestions for figuring out if someone you've started dating is still hooked on an old girlfriend?

Carolyn Hax: Time. Just keep an open but non-paranoid mind.

College Park, Md.: Is it rude to say, "Get a life!" to people who keep saying to you (for at least 20 times) that they think you are getting fat (when your weigh has actually been between 100-110 lbs., if that matters)? Does it matter if you think they meant well?

Carolyn Hax: These people are telling YOU that you're fat? I vote that we add this, Bridezillism, assaults on refs and road rage to the list of federal crimes punishable by death.

I believe the proper response is "bite me."

Washington, D.C., 20036: Hi Carolyn. I've got a bit of a twist on the therapy/depression thing. I'm doing all the right stuff -- taking Wellbutrin (in large doses, I might add), going to therapy, trying to reach out to others -- I even tried support groups for a bit, but found them distasteful. And for the life of me, I can't get rid of this depression. FYI, my mother has severe, drug-resistant depression, as do others in my family. Should I just get used to this? I hate being so sad all the time.

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry. Talk to your doctor--you might respond better to an SSRI than you do to Wellbutrin, which is a different type of antidepressant than, say, Paxil or Prozac.

Courthouse, Va.: What are your thoughts on asking someone out over e-mail? Acceptable, or the chump's way to avoid possible rejection?

Carolyn Hax: If there's a chance it will look wussy, why do it? If you need his/her number, you can ask for it by email.

Arizona: I recently found out that my younger sister is having some pretty serious problems. She is now seeing a therapist for anxiety, depression, and alcoholism. She lives in another state and we've never been particularly close. How do I provide the support and love that she needs without both her and I feeling that I'm being phony. The truth is that while I love her and care about her, I've never really liked her and have, as a result, distanced myself from her. She hasn't ever been a person that I have had any patience for (due partially to her depression and alcoholism). But I want to overcome our distance if it will help her recover.

Carolyn Hax: Your offer will sound genuine because it -is- genuine. Go for it, call her, don't worry about having a script. What you say about the depression affecting your opinion of her might have a lot of truth to it, and sounds like great incentive to make the effort.

BTW, you might want to read up on depression and alcoholism before you dive in, if you haven't already. Help you know what to expect.

Washington, D.C.: Oh phooey. I bet the person who doesn't want to go to therapy is hiding something from themselves, boring their friends to death, and looking for a way to justify it.

Sure, not everyone need therapy, but an experienced outsider can help you develop a new perspective on yourself. This can be immensely helpful.

Just remember that you may have to try a few therapists before you find the right one, and remember tha honesty is an essential part of the process.

I am a HUGE advocate of therapy. I resisted, and indeed, I wasn't suicidal, or manic, or -- but, I needed someone beyond myself to help me sort through some stuff. Keep suggesting it.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks--a few more coming...

Another good thing about therapy: Speaking as a friend to someone who needs therapy, it's a lot easier for your therapist to say the hard things to you than it is for your friends. Also, no matter how good a friend is, she (or he) can get tired of listening to you talk about the same problems over and over again, with no resolution. And people seem to take the advice that they're paying for a lot more to heart than they do advice that they get from a friend. Your friends may love you, but I promise, they don't want to be your therapist.

Carolyn Hax: "Also, no matter how good a friend is, she (or he) can get tired of listening to you talk about the same problems over and over again ... "

Replace "can" with "will" and you've got something there. Thanks.

Re: Therapy: Hey anywhere. Sounds like you have an issue with therapists. Many people do. And it is not something that I understand. In the U.S. we will willingly dump THOUSANDS of dollars into our cars, our bodies, our pets -- everything you can imagine. But Americans are loathe to invest in their own emotional well-being.

You go to a therapist to understand WHY you do what you do, and why you feel what you feel. And then you make a decision about whether or not you want to change those things.

There are a million differences between therapy and kibitzing with a friend. The most important is that your friends are not paid to not drag their personal biases into you self-exploration. The second is that they also are probably not trained not to do that, either. So the advice that you get from them may or may not be good, but it could be swayed by their most recent fight with their mom or boy/girlfriend OR be overoptimistic based on a new job/whatever.

The job of a therapist is to HELP you figure out you. Not to tell you about you. And very few friends are able to get that nuance. And it seems like you know what I mean, you're just too angry and miserable to admit it!

Carolyn Hax: I've been marveling at that for a while now--that people are SO loath to accept instruction on their emotional lives when we spend years listening to teachers, coaches, clergy, even friggin astrologists.

Okay, enough on this. Thanks all.

Springfield, Va.: Carolyn, I am miserable. I have been seeing my guy for 14 months. Things are always hot and cold. when they are good, we are great for each other. But when things are bad, he gets mean and critical and does not fight fair. He is currently unemployed and I understand his frustration. But his world view is suddently so totally negative that I don't want to be around him. All people are basically selfish, greedy, destructive. And don't get started on the environment or politics! Now he is picking on me! I should be more understanding, more patient and BTW, I could be thinner. Do bad times bring out the worst, or is this his real personality? Nobody needs this!

Carolyn Hax: No, but you take it. Might want to ask yourself why.

I'm mystified by the whole question of "the real him" vs. something else. If he's doing it, it's real, no?

Washington, D.C.: Dear Carolyn,

I went out this weekend with several girl friends and met up with some older guys (I'm 23, they were late 30s, early 40s). They were acutally friends of friends, so we all hung out and had a great time. I ended up hanging out with one guy for most of the night. In conversation I asked him if he was married, (being that he was older, I just assumed that he was). He told me that his wife cheated on him a long time ago and that they were no longer together.

Well, I ran into that same group of guys the next night, and I ended up hanging out with this guy again. We ended up kissing at the end of the night, and afterwards he told me that, yes indeed, he was still married. I was furious and I asked why he lied about it the night before. He told me that he didn't lie, because he didn't come right out and say "I am not married." Of course I though that was absurd, because you are either married or not, there isn't much gray area. But what bothers me is that I walked away from the situation feeling guilty and upset because I aided and embetted a bonfide cheater. I kissed the sort of person that I despise, unknowingly. How do I get that feeling to go away?

Carolyn Hax: You remind yourself that you were completely innocent and forget about it.

BTW, there's plenty of gray area between married and un-, in the various degrees of separation. Just a general point of fact--you're right to be disgusted with this guy because he blew his shot at the truth.

Too Old?: How old are you when you get too old for presents at your birthday party? The wife of a friend of ours is throwing a "surprise" party for her husband's 25th. I think it's a major faux pas to expect gifts, my husband has been given hints that there's a list at an electronics store with this guy's name on it. This is enough to make me want to skip the whole ordeal -- grabby, grabby, grabby! Or am I mistaken?

Carolyn Hax: Wait a sec. If the guy has registered, then I second the faux pas opinion--but hello, what's wrong with gifts at a birthday party? It's also a faux pas to be so cheap and judgmental that you can't summon enough generosity of spirit to part with a nice bottle of wine.

Oh, bad pun. Sorry.

Bethesda, Md.: Hi Carolyn,

(Online only please!) This is a problem that affects my existence every day. I'm really hoping you can offer advice.

I'm 24 and have been with my boyfriend for two years. We met while sharing a house in college and have been (living) together ever since.

While we are wonderfully happy, the problem is my parents. They don't know we live together because they become so verbally abusive about the subject. Each year when my lease is up, I tell them that the bf and I are going to move in together. And each year, my mother begins a tirade that starts with "No daughter of mine," includes phrases like "you stupid slut" and ends with "we will disown you." She says she won't allow me in the house if I do.

(And yes, they would do that. I have spent years working on the relationship after they cut off funding for school at age 21 -- one year shy of a degree -- for dating someone not of their choice.)

I've tried meeting with my dad first to soften the blow. Between us he offers words of normalcy, but in the face of my mother's rage he pretends to be just as shocked and goes along with whatever she says.

Last year, I was going to stick with it and call their bluff, but my dad was diagnosed with cancer and is still ill. I didn't want to provide more stress, and they are my only parents, so I dropped it.

So, I hide who I live with. I have caller ID on my phone line. My wonderfully understanding bf can't answer the phone half the time in his own house, and I never have my family over. Now, my lease will be up in six months and I am contemplating this all over again.

I'd appreciate any advice you can give!

Carolyn Hax: I wish I had some, but you know your options as well as I do. You either face it or hide. I know what I'd do, but it's not a call I'll make for you.

Virginia: Dear Carolyn,

My boyfriend is a really great guy with one huge socially unacceptable habit: He makes up nicknames for about everyone he deals with and uses these names instead of people's given name. For example, if you met him, he'd probably try to call you Gnarly-Carly or something like that. And not just once. He'd call you that every time he addressed you for the rest of your life. I tried to tell him how prickly people can be about their names, and how if your name is, say, Carolyn, you've probably been called Gnarly-Carly about a thousand times by the time you reach adulthood and it stopped being funny when you were six, anyway. But he thinks his names are brillant and he refuses to stop using them. So how do I get him to stop nicknaming everyone (especially me) and how do I respond to people who complain to me about what my boyfriend calls them?

Carolyn Hax: Tell them to tell him directly. Jeez. One Gnarly-Carly and he'd have my opinion. With a bow on it.

Is it me, or do people seem to be pathologically afraid of each other?

Oh, and I take issue with the idea that someone can be "great" and still "refuse" to drop a habit that he has been told repeatedly is obnoxious, but whatever.

Capitol Hill: Here's a pragmatic reason for not asking people out by e-mail that I always pass along. You never know when they've read it. Why they're not responding. You'll drive yourself crazy waiting for the response and then analyzing everything right down to how long it took them to respond. Does it really sound like fun wondering if their mail system is down? Add that to the fact that it makes you look like a wimp.

Carolyn Hax: Eggcellent point, thanks. And the return-receipt option is just too freaky.

New York, N.Y.: Hi, Carolyn and Lisa!

I'm in dire need of your advice, so please help!

I just finished my junior year in college and I will be spending fall semester in Florence studying abroad. I can't describe how excited I am about that -- being able to travel around Europe (I'll have five-day weekends, God bless college) and friends in several countries over there (a.k.a. free places to crash). But the problem is money. I'm staying in New York City through the end of June, then returning home to D.C. and working there until I leave for Florence.

My problem is from now until the end of June. I have a great job that pays well enough through the end of this week, then one or two other not-as-well-paying jobs after that, but I just got a WONDERFUL opportunity to work on post-production of a movie that will be released in two months. (I got a chance to see a screening of the movie, funniest thing I've ever seen.) I'd be working with the writer, director, and producers getting stuff ready for the realease. BUT it's unpaid. I have enough saved up to cover living expenses in the city but I won't be able to save any money for Florence. Oh, I'm also taking a class at nights, so working at nights isn't a possibility.

My heart says take the internship, and I think that's what you'll say, but could you just reassure me that I'm doing the right thing? I'll still have some money to travel in Europe, which also seems like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Thanks a lot!

washingtonpost.com: There's nothing quite like being an unpaid intern in New York. Did it, and so glad to have done it. Live on Ramen and peanut butter and sock away cash. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: I didn't and wish I did. So there. Have fun, hire me someday.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn -- PLEASE STOP ME BEFORE I START HATING MY MOTHER! Here's the story. My parents live nearby (about 10 miles) and I am the only sibling living near them. They recently retired and have been VERY needy ever since. They want to get together every weekend, my mom calls me at work to tell me it's supposed to be cold tomorrow so don't forget a coat, etc. I am 32 years old, married, and it's getting old -- though I could handle it until recently. I'm now pregnant with their first and possibly only grandchild, and the level of insanity has gone through the roof. I was out of the office last week (just at a conference for work) so I did not reply to some e-mails they sent me. I called them this weekend to say hello and got an earful from my mother about how we hadn't talked in TWO WEEKS and she was becoming VERY UPSET about it. I tried to calmly explain to her that if she needed to talk to me, she could always call me, but she was just stuck on the fact that I hadn't called and was upset and then jokingly said "You'd better be nice to me because I'm your babysitter" (she agreed to do one day/week of daycare). She told me we'd "of course" be getting together for Mother's Day, and at that time we can discuss her "role" for when I get out of the hospital (i.e., if/when she will come stay with me). Keep in mind that I'm only three and a half months pregnant, so I'm worried that this will only get worse. I love my mom, and I know she'll calm down once she gets into a regular roututine of seeing the child (that's actually one reason for having her do it) but she is so WORKED UP right now! I know it would be GREAT to have her around to help at the beginning, but after conversations like that one, I don't even want her near me until the kid goes to college! We've never been terribly close and communication with her is strained most of the time. Plus, she gets her feelings hurt all the time when things don't go her way (i.e., we don't go to dinner more than two weekends a month) and lays the guilt on THICK!

Do you have any advice for defusing her? Has anyone in the peanut gallery been in this situation before? I CANNOT take five and a half more months of this!

Thanks -- and sorry so long!

Carolyn Hax: That's okay. I'm sorry to tell you that it ain't a 5.5-month problem. You need to set gentle but firm boundaries with her and enforce the hell out of them. Repeat, gentle. She'll have to learn to deal.

Nowhere: Carolyn,

I agreed with your advice to the soon-to-be-off-to-college 18-year-old (with the 14-year-old girlfriend) in yesterday's column, but I felt like you may have been a little harsh on him (felt like you were assuming that he'd be a bad guy about this). Give the guy credit for having the willpower to ask a question that his hormones are begging him to ignore. Of course, stat rape is stat rape, and there are plenty of legally-aged women in college.

Carolyn Hax: I didn't assume that, and I'm sorry that it sounded as if I did. Whups.

Mount Vernon, Va.: Hi, Carolyn.

This is for the person who asked for your opinion on whether or not a mature, stable, responsible, and financially secure woman in her mid-30s should choose to have a child alone. I was a mature, stable, responsible, and financially secure woman in my mid-30s when I became a single mom (while pregnant) through divorce. My advice to your correspondent is to talk to as many single moms as she can to get a good idea of what she is getting herself into. She also will need to have a support network in place -- whether it is family, friends, neighbors, or a combination of all of them -- because she is going to need lots of help to do this right. A baby is not a new accessory or toy -- and won't be a baby for very long. How do you feel about teenagers? A child is another person with their own personality, qualities, and quirks -- and you don't get to pick what kind you get. It is extremely rewarding to be a parent, but it is very hard work. You will constantly question if you are doing the right thing. Your view of yourself as a person will be turned around and inside out; your goals will change drastically; what seems important now will not be important once you are trying to fit everything you need to do in a 24-hour day (when what you really need is 36 hours). Whatever you decide, always keep in mind that this decision will not affect only you. It will affect another human being who will be dependent on you for everything for a long time. Are you up to that?

Carolyn Hax: Good stuff, thanks--and I thought of something later that I wish I had said. The kid most likely won't have an on-site adult relationship to observe and either emulate or learn not to emulate later on, so that's one more thing a single parent-to-be should consider--providing an emotional education in other ways.

Connecticut: Regarding the person who wrote in about being "too fat" -- Carolyn, perhaps that person is a 12-year-old child or someone who is 4'7" tall. In either of those cases, 100-110 lbs. WOULD be too heavy, and his/her friends and family would have a right to be concerned.

Not everyone who writes you is over 18 and taller than 5'5".

Carolyn Hax: True, but then the issue wouldn't be, "You're too fat," it would be, "We're worried about your health"--if even that. Presumably, the parent of someone that age would be in control of the food supply as well as of family activities, so the problem could be addressed without the word "fat" or "weight" being uttered at all.

Washington, D.C.: Carolyn --

I have written to the discussion before, and I was answered in the newspaper column. My question was about my long-distance friendship with my ex-boyfriend (who I still am in love with). You said to move. Well, after your column, I talked with him about it, and still neither of us could figure out how to be in the same city right now. On down the road, about a year from now, it will be possible, but not at this moment. Do you think that we are hurting ourselves by staying in contact with each other, and continuing to stay friends? We have dated other people since breaking up, and neither of us have stopped having fun and going out because we aren't together. But both of us have confessed to the other that none of the people that we have dated have given us that same feeling as we have together. Please let me know if I am hurting myself (or him) by staying in this relationship.

Also, if possible, keep in online chat. Finding my letter in the paper (and then realizing that it is syndicated all over the country) was a bit disconcerting the last time.

washingtonpost.com: If national syndication scares you, Web readership is global. 'Ello, London! -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: If you're dating others, enjoying life separately AND managing to stay in love from afar, you should bottle your secret and sell it.

Need Help: Carolyn, I am seeking professional help but don't know where to start. I need someone to talk to.

Carolyn Hax: Some employers offer at least an initial consultation through your health plan, or you can ask your regular doctor for a referral to a few therapists. (It's like any other relationship--you might not hit it off with the first person you see.) If money is an issue, contact one of the professional organizations--the American Psychological Association (www.apa.org), Amer. Psychiatric Assoc. (www.psych.org), for e.g.--for suggestions for low- or no-cost providers in your area. You can also try your church if you're a member of one, or the health-services center affiliated with a local university, hospital or faith (eg, Catholic or Jewish family services, which often offer nondenominational counseling).

Down and Dumped (from last weeks' column): Got tested. Everything is A-OK.

My ex now has new "people" (note, she used the plural, not me) in her life.

I'm feeling not so down. Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Cool, thanks for checking back in.

Carolyn Hax: Enough! Thanks everybody, and type to you Friday.

washingtonpost.com:

That was our last question today. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.

Stay tuned to Live Online:

Astrology: Charlene Lichtenstein at 7 p.m. EDT

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re: Down and Dumped: Carolyn, please remind Down and Dumped that even though he tested negative (congratulations), he needs to check back again in 3-4 months after the last time he slept with her. Just to be sure.

Carolyn Hax: Righto.

What have we done to sex. Sad.

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