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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, April 9, 2001; 3 p.m. EDT
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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Washington, D.C.:
My husband and I eloped a year ago, and my mother-in-law has never recovered; we never anticipated her fury at having "deprived" her this wedding.
She finds passive aggressive (stored our wedding photos with the moth balls collection) and overt ("Well, at least our flooded basement wasn't someone's deliberate way to hurt me,") ways to take aim in nine out of 10 conversations.
I'd like to have a good relationship with her, but open discussions have failed... and I've just taken to letting the remarks roll off. Any suggestions on how to make this better?
Carolyn Hax: Ignoring it is really your only defense against passive aggression, even when it reaches comic proportions like this. One thought, though: Who held the "open discussions"? Has your husband confronted his mother on this? It's his job, for one, plus he's the only one with the clout to ask her if she's really prepared to lose a son and daughter-in-law over this.
Hell:
Carolyn,
I hate my job and am looking for another one. I can't quit until I find another one and basically am doing my job and leaving. Once I am away from this place I'm great. Any advice on how I can NOT be so miserable while I am here? Luckilly my misery isn't seeping into my non-work time but the nine hours every day I am here are unbearable.
Thanks so much for your help.
Carolyn Hax: If you're not dead, they're bearable. The only answer is to find anything and everything good about the situation that you possibly can and not dwell on the bad. When people get down on something, it's almost as if they challenge themselves to find more and more bad things about it.
Somewhere in Maryland:
Hi Carolyn,
A friend is getting married this summer. He and his fiance registered for china. Then they purchased the china on sale in hopes that their friends and family would also purchase the china, which they would then return at full price netting them a tidy profit. I was so turned off by this. Am I being too judgmental?
Carolyn Hax: No.
Suffering Quietly:
Carolyn, I've set up a terrible "borrower-lender" dynamic with my roommates, allowing them to borrow everything of mine (particularly my two big-ticket items -- car and computer) with no boundaries. Result has been that I've found my car filled with their CD's but never filled with gas, my computer "My Briefcase" taken over by their files, software programs loaded for toys I don't have, blankets I've lent being used as rugs... and so on.
Obviously I have a problem with confrontation -- or else this never would have gotten so far. But it has, and I'm stumped as to what to do -- my roommates are also my friends, and I don't know how to tell them that I meant "borrow", not "co-own." I feel pretty taken advantage of -- true, I laid down on the floor, but they are just wiping their feet all over me! (That being the difference between merely 'walking on' and REALLY being inconsiderate to someone.)
So now how do I fix this problem, retain some sense of friendship, and still feel like I'm being a generous person to these people I care about? I don't need my things to be off-limits; I just want use of my things to have limits (and some recognition that they are still MY things. And a thank-you every once in a while would probably give me a heart attack from joy).
Thoughts?
Carolyn Hax: Ohboyohboy. I feel for you, it's hard to break the habit of serial pleasing. But you have to find a way to like yourself enough to believe that people will still be your friends even if you don't keep handing them stuff in return.
To that end, I don;t think you're stumped at all. I think you know exactly what you need to do--repeat after me, "Hey, guys, you're abusing my stuff, I'm going to start setting some limits"--but you're scared as hell. The next line is one you repeat to yourself, in your head: "My friends like me, not just my car."
Washington, D.C.:
Carolyn,
I hooked up with a guy about two months ago after a party. Yes, we were both drunk and I had been eyeing him throughout the evening and well, at the end of the party I just went over to his place. We talked and (try not to laugh too hard) it really seemed like we were hitting it off beyond just being plain drunk. He even said that he didn't want this to be a one night stand and I said that I didn't either. Then we talked a bit on the phone a couple of days later, we were going to try to get together some evening but nothing worked then so we decided to just do lunch. I thought it went well besides the usual awkwardness that has to be expected from a situation like this. We talked something like two or three more times but it was hard to find a time to get together. Then we were both leaving town for a week so I decided to call him and ask him if he wanted to get together... I left a message, he didn't call back. After getting back from our vacations I ran into him and he was very nice and friendly so I decided to write him an e-mail to let him know that I had moved and giving him my new number in case he ever wanted to call. Well, he never did and never replied to the e-mail and now I'm really curious. Besides the fact of my ego being slightly bruised I just simply want to know why nothing developed. If it was that he didn't like me when he saw me sober, I can handle that, I just want to know. I figure I have nothing to lose, what do you think the best way to approach this is? Wait to run into him? See if I can find him on IM sometime and ask him? Or just drop it? Oh, by the way, I'm male as well (I don't know if that will affect your answer but there you go). Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: No, the answer's the same either way ... because it seems to me you already have your answer--didn't like you sober, for whatever reason. I'm sorry. The awkwardness is usually enough for most people to bail.
You also say you have nothing to lose, and I suppose that's true, but the fact that you've already reached out to him, what, twice? without a response tells me he doesn't want to be contacted. Let it go.
Roommate as Best Friend, USA:
Hi, Carolyn:
My roommate is one of my best friends, but this year she has grown into an obnoxious pain in my neck. She has a -very- serious BF who will become her fiancee before the end of the summer and who, as one might expect, is the center of her universe. I knew about him when we decided last year to live together, but assumed that their relationship would pose few problems for our living situation. Such an assumption was, in retrospect, stupid.
When he comes over the apartment turns into a Zone o' Fun, which would be fine but for the fact that my roommate and I are currently in a Zone o' Law School, and I'd rather not waste my limited slack-off time feeling like a third wheel when I have an incredible amount of work to do. My roommate and I had agreed that he would only come over periodically on weeknights (w/unlimited access on weekends), but now she tells me the notice requirement is cramping their style (incidentally, the guy lives twenty minutes away and by himself, so it's not like it's our apartment or nothing). I think it's time we stop living with each other, but she's still one of my closest friends and I'd like to keep it that way.
Now that this thing has metasticized into something too long to ever be posted, do you have any suggestions?
Carolyn Hax: "... who will become her fiance"? Doesn't that make them engaged already? Never mind.
There's nothing to do here but hold your ground. Tell her you'd love to be Wonder Roomie, but you've got work to do so you can't. Ask her if she'd please respect that and not force you to into a corner or make you feel guilty for it. Friends don't pull that BS on each other.
Anywhere, Any State:
Hi Carolyn,
What is the best way to suggest to someone that they should probably get counseling? A friend of mine has been driving me nuts about how she thinks she'll always be lonely, has no ability to make or keep friends and is generally dissatisfied with all parts of her life. It's really beyond my comprehension, I'm not a therapist. Won't some people always be disatisfied with their lives unless they make an effort to change the parts they don't like? Right now I'm avoiding her. It's really tiring hearing how much life sucks on a daily basis, especially when I don't think it does. What to do?
Carolyn Hax: Suggesting she get some counseling has to be nicer than dumping her, which is what you're doing now. Just point out that you haven't heard an upbeat word from her mouth in years, and that you're worried about her, and that life really doesn't have to be so awful, and that maybe she ought to get help.
Bridezilla Victim:
I was in a wedding a few weeks ago where I was asked to buy a very expensive dress and travel a long distance to fulfill my role. When I arrived at the ceremony and looked at a program, me and the 8 other non-sister attendants were suprised to find that we were not bridesmaids but honorary bridesmaids. There were 14 female attendants total.
What is your take on this?
Carolyn Hax: That weddings are in fact totally out of control. If you like this person, forget it ever happened.
Washington, D.C.:
hi
Both my siblings were essentially child grooms and got married at 22 (following in the steps of my parents). They both have babies now as well. One brother lives on the west coast, one in the midwest. I am a 30 year old female, the spinster of the family. I have worked really hard at my career and am extremely successful (much more so than my brothers). I have very little vacation time or even weekend time because I often have to work. When I do get time off, I like to spend it with friends or dating (I would like to get married someday as well). This leaves little time for my siblings, who live very far away. While I make an effort to spend every holiday with them (oftentimes they have other holiday plans with THEIR inlaws), for my parents and siblings, this is not enough. They think I am extremely selfish for wanting to spend time with "friends" instead of "family." This infuriates me as it is my friends who are there day to day for me-- not my brothers who are only involved with their own families now. Also, perhaps if I had my own family, spending time sitting around the house hanging out with the kids might seem more appealing (that is all we do when I visit) but right now, I hate to say, it is a little boring. Also, b/c I have worked so hard to get myself where I am, I have a pretty good income now, and my parents and brothers made it clear to me that I am expected to share this wealth with my neices and nephews. Sure, I get them nice gifts, but I expect to have a family of my own some day!! Lastly, I am tired of the second class treatment I get from everyone b/c I am single -- they all think there is something wrong with me for wanting more out of my life than settling down with my college sweetheart. Argh!!! Am I wrong for not putting "family" needs above my own? I am feeling guilty and angry at the same time!!
Carolyn Hax: If you believe you've chosen the right life for you--career, money, family, travel, holidays--then stop pressuring yourself to defend it and stop trying to please other people. Just do what you do and smile. Really.
Weddingtown, USA:
want to answer another wedding question?
Is it rude for 1/2 of an invited couple not to come? My boyfriend was courteously invited, but hasn't actually met the bride/groom (my college friends). There's a plane trip involved, he's not terribly excited, and frankly I'd be happy if he didn't come - more time with my other college friends. Is this awful? Or should he come because he was invited?
Carolyn Hax: Good god, when did it become "awful" to decline an invitation? You accept with pleasure, he declines with regret and life plows merrily on.
San Diego, Calif.:
Carolyn,
What's your view on housemates dating other housemate's exes? Housemate broke up with his GF awhile ago. I knew her long before he ever started dating her. I don't want make things weird between him and me, but I really like his ex and she likes me too. Help!
Carolyn Hax: Ask the housemate for his blessing and go for it. Just don't do so loudly in the next bedroom over.
Reston, Va.:
My future husband's brother is living in our house... he's a total pain and I want him out before the wedding. We don't get along and he has no respect for me or my house. My fiance is trying to mend their broken relationship but feels the same frustrations. What Can I do?
Carolyn Hax: Remind your fiance that sharing a house and storing up unexpressed resentment is not the way to mend a broken relationship. He needs to set limits with the bro, starting with a move-out date, and you need to be patient and understanding and utterly unyielding on this point. Good luck.
Vienna, Va.:
Do you believe in the Freudian notion of dreams as wish-fulfillments? If not - then why the hell do I keep dreaming about my ex-boyfriend from High School?
I'm 23 now and tremendously happy in a 3 year relationship. What's going on with my head?
Carolyn Hax: I believe in dreams as the bubbling up of unresolved stuff. I can't guess how this applies in your case, but with me dreams are, without fail, the first indication that I've got something lurking inside that I'm not quite ready to face when I'm conscious.
14 Attendants!?:
Good Gawd! Let's hear it for "I'm so insecure I want everyone to see how popular I am " and "I'm so self centered that that's a good reason!"
Barf!
Carolyn Hax: Possibly, but there's also "I can't say no to anybody."
Washington, D.C.:
RE: The hook-up guy who got the brush off:
I'm wondering how you stand on the frank "Honestly, what it is about me that made you decide not to pursue anything further?" It seems like one could get some useful information that way. Not to mention, deepen the level of interaction & maybe salvage something, if not a relationship at least being able to walk away having had an honest exchange.
Such openings are relatively rare, seems a shame to waste the opportunity...
Carolyn Hax: I'm actually all for it, but when the guy's already ignored to contact attempts, I don't know. It's not like the information is THAT important. Warn't meant to be, move on.
Clueless:
What is an honorary bridesmaid? Do they get a fake diploma or something...
Carolyn Hax: i LIKE it.
Bridezilla Victim:
Thanks for the advice. One of the other victims is now planning a 50 guest wedding on the beach after enduring the wedding we were so "honored" to be a part of.
Eloping is a beautiful thing.
Carolyn Hax: Plus, you get to alienate your mother-in-law upfront. A twofer.
Weddingland:
Hey, how about an honorary bride and groom as well? They get first dibs in the event of a divorce.
Carolyn Hax: On what, the marked-down china?
I'm just going to shut up and let you guys do this. You're good.
USA:
In regards to the 30 year old single sibling who is accused of being "selfish" by her family, she seems to have a bit of an attitude. No, she doesn't need to spend every holiday with her family, spend every free vacation day with them, or share her wealth with them, but I get the sense she feels superior to her siblings. They may be sensing this and getting sensitive about it. I'm sure it's obvious to them that she finds their lifestyle "boring." She shouldn't have to feel bad about being single, but she shouldn't get judgemental about those who are not.
Carolyn Hax: Actually, I saw the attitude as compensational superiority--I doubt therefore I strut. If she really felt she had nothing to prove to the family, she wouldn't feel the need to tear them all down like that. She'd just say, luv ya bunches, but a week with toddlers is not my idea of a vacation. End of issue.
Soon-to-wed:
wedding ettiquette question: can my childhood imaginary friends be honorary bridesmaids??
Carolyn Hax: Yes, just make them buy real dresses.
Downtown:
I've heard of honorary pallbearers, like all of the deceased nephews or all of his lodge brothers or something. Once it was a woman's bowling team. The idea is the real pallbearers, who do all the work, are supplied by the funeral home while the honorary ones, to use a southern expression, "just sit there and look pretty". If the same analagy is used, is real bridesmaid's job to roll the bride up the aisle in a great big box?
Carolyn Hax: Made me laugh out loud.
Vienna Va.:
Hi Carolyn... Any advice on how my bf and I can stop snapping at each other? We've been together for two years now, and love each other very much, but especially lately we just seem to be fighting a lot about stupid things. (I am typically more of a hot-head than he is, but he seems to be snapping more than usual too.) We both think it's time we address this issue and learn to communicate rather than snap, but don't know where to begin... any advice you or other readers can give?
Carolyn Hax: It's actually not as hard as it might seem. Snapping usually means you're preoccupied by something, and the person you're snapping at is somehow getting in the way. So. Instead of making it a whole huge how-to-communicate question, break it down into steps. What is it that's on your mind? Do you know? Does your BF know? Do you feel as if you can tell him? If no, are you sure? If still no, are you SURE saying something wouldn't be a big honking relief even though it might be painful at first? Get to this point, and you'll be communicating without even realizing it. Good luck.
Carolyn Hax: Brief advice interlude. Now back to moronic wedding stuff.
Between a Rock and a Hard Place:
Hi Carolyn,
How can I get my husband and my father to start communicating again? They are two totally different people. Their only similarity is that they are fairly stubborn men. For years, they have been involved in a relationship of one-downsman-ship -- in other words, who can snub the other one faster. I probably should have knocked their heads together years ago (we've been married more than 10 years), but being nonconfrontational, I did not. Now, it's impossible to talk to my dad (because I stuck up for my husband). And my kids don't get to see their grandfather or his wife. Any advice?
Carolyn Hax: Whooie, look who married Daddy!
Ask your husband to call your father to make peace. Where kids are involved, it's nice also to have a grownup present. Tell him it'll give him the maturity upper hand indefinitely. He'll dig that.
Re: weddings:
Hmm, since we're on the topic today, I have a serious wedding question. I've been dating my BF for 2 1/2 years. He's extremely close to a core group of college friends (they're all 27-30 now, still close). They're all starting to get married, and my question is, should I be offended if I'm not invited? One woman in particular is his best friend, she and I have only met a few times, but it's a small wedding and so he wasn't even asked to bring a guest. (And I think, he's her BEST FRIEND! We've been together nearly 3 YEARS!) Forget the fact that 3 of his ex-GFs will be there; they're all still friends and don't pose much of a threat, even though they'll all be partying together a few states away. Am I being a prima donna?
Carolyn Hax: A little. I wouldn't call it a compliment, but whenever a couple tries to keep a wedding small, they're treated to snits and ruffled feathers right and left. You are not their friend, so if it's you vs. someone they know, you really don't belong there. Think about it-- the first people to drop off the guest list are usually the ones who -can- be dropped--meaning, partners who are neither spouses nor fiancees. Get annoyed when there's a pattern of snubbing, not just one fairly reasonable exclusion.
Good Golly, Is It Almost June, or What?:
What's with all the wedding questions?
Though, I submitted one, too...
Carolyn Hax: Pent up demand. I haven't had the stomach for a special since last fall. Also, tis the season...
Frustrated in Maryland:
Hi Carolyn! Please help me! I am one big ball of frustration these days. And generelly, the frustration is directed at my boyfriend of 2 years. He does take a lot of patience to be around (even his mom says that) but I feel like I'm running out. Consequently, I'm getting frustrated and snappish and I HATE it. I think part of all this is due to the fact I'm going away to grad school (4.5 hours away) and he does not approve nor does he support it very much. He feels we should be thinking in terms of "us" and "our" life instead of in terms of my decisions and his decisions. I, however, do not feel ready to be making such big decisions in my life in that manner. What do I do?? I'm at my wit's end! Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: Find someone who requires less patience. Really. It just shouldn't be this hard.
Carolyn Hax: I'm outta here. Last call for what will be the last of the book events, at least for a while. There's a book rap (rap my book, I guess) co-sponsored by the National Press Club’s Young Members and Book & Author Committees. It's this Thursday, April 12, at 529 14th Street, NW, 13th Floor, 6:30-7:30 P.M. It's free and open to the public, but the organizers ask that you call 202.662.7501 or e-mail pnelson@press.org to reserve a seat.
Thanks, everybody.
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