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Tell Me About It,
LATER
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, March 26, 2001; 3 p.m. EST
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."
The transcript follows.
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Alexandria, Va.:
A male friend of mine is constantly making comments about my relationship with my boyfriend. I used to think he was fishing for juicy details, which I never gave him. But now he's starting to tell me all the reasons why he thinks I shouldn't be dating him (which are very petty). He even told me I should be dating another one of our friends. He has been friends with my boyfriend for YEARS, and friends with me for only a year. He's never said anything to my boyfriend, just me. It's starting to bug me.
Carolyn Hax: Does you male "friend" want you? Bad?
New England:
Carolyn,
My boyfriend and I just returned from a weekend trip to visit his parents. Although I had met them/spent time with them several times before, I had never actually been a guest in their house. Over the weekend, his mother repeatedly took my boyfriend aside and asked him why we're not yet engaged. (He can't afford a ring yet.) Then she would take me aside and ask why I wasn't pressing the issue! Just when I thought things couldn't get anymore uncomfortable, she then asked if he was my "first" (sexually), and did I feel the need to get more "experience" before we settle down together! I actually answered her questions ("yes" to the first and "no" to the second -- the truth) mainly because I was too shocked to think of a snappy comeback.
Prior to all of this, my boyfriend and I committed ourselves to spending Easter with them. I have a feeling these subjects will be broached again when we get together -- what is the best response in the future?
Carolyn Hax: Shock, horror, disgust, take your pick. Wow. Not that I agree with the reason you guys aren't engaged (Do you want to get married? Yes/No), but this is so not any of her business. Your BF should stand up to his momster and say so, now, before the idea takes root in her head that she has any say in what goes on between the two of you.
Now here's where all but the married people will think I'm going overboard. If your BF will NOT step in and tell his mother where the uncrossable lines are, then seriously reconsider a life with this guy.
Not Another Perfect Ann Comment:
I'm sorry to rehash Friday, but I had a thought at the close of the discussion. No one mentioned, or no one published, mentioned the possibility Ann was raised with brothers and men are genuinely the people she feels more comfortable with. I have two older brothers and after attending a women's college, I still feel more comfortable socializing with guys. I think there's a lot more to the ann situation like the boss, but I just thought it was a possible reason she spends more time with men.
Carolyn Hax: No no, glad you brought it up because it's turf we didn't really cover. I don't think being comfortable with men makes a woman an Ann. It's the ruling out of all women as too catty to be friendworthy. That's what put me off, mightily, as you may have noticed.
Rather Not Say, USA:
Hi Carolyn,
I'm hoping you can help me settle something here. My mother-in-law, (I'll call her Mrs. "Smith") wants me to address her by "Mom Smith." I'm not comfortable with that so I call her "Mrs. Smith." To me, this is being respectful, but she thinks STRANGERS should call her "Mrs. Smith." She told my husband to tell me that if I don't address her by "Mom Smith" then I shouldn't address her at all. Since she thought Mrs. Smith was too informal, I suggested calling her my her first name. She didn't like that either. Any suggestions? BTW, we've been married six years now and I've NEVER addressed her by "Mom Smith." I know this seems soooo trivial, but we do need some advice. Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: North-going Zax meets South-going Zax, nothing trivial about that, especially when a mother-in-law is involved. Neither of you wants to surrender the upper hand. Fine. But one of you is going to have to budge, and the fact that your MIL brought her son into it means she's ready to play dirty in order to win. Normally I'd just say, okay, she cares more so she wins, but I think at this point caving on your part would set a unwelcome precedent--ie, she would get rewarded for playing diry and dragging her son into it.
So. Where does that leave you. I suggest you invite her out to lunch for the sole purpose of resolving this and what the hell maybe even bonding over it. Be upbeat and have a sense of humor about it--say noone leaves the table till you know what to call each other. Say why you're uncomfortable (I think you've posted this ?? before, and said you already have a mom you call Mom, right?) and that you're sorry to have to ask this of her, but you would be eternally grateful if she didn't insist on the one name you wouldn't be comfortable using. Then say you were wrong to press the "Mrs. Smith" issue, since you realize now it came across as cold (which I guarantee it did).
Then ask, in the interest of a happy friendship between you, if you can;t hammer out a compromise. Did she have any beloved youthful nicknames, maybe? Ask stuff like that. Oh, and pick up the tab. Good luck.
Curious Georgette:
Hi Carolyn and Lisa!
This is for the fellas.
What does it mean when you (meaning guys) call EVERY day, but cannot keep a date?
Says all the right things (i.e., wanting to get to know you better, enjoying conversations, relationship has potential, you're smart, pretty, classy, fun, et al) but can't keep a prearranged, mutually agreed upon date for dinner and a movie/bowling/pool/ANYTHING!
Just wondering.
Carolyn Hax: This has happened to you consistently? Or are you making a massive sexist generalization out of one guy who doesn't show up?
Reston, Va., 20190:
At the end of your response to New England you said "If your BF will NOT step in and tell his mother where the uncrossable lines are, then seriously reconsider a life with this guy." Maybe you are a little overboard. Or perhaps you're lucky enough that you don't have any wacky, uncontrollable relatives. I had a grandmother who was. We all knew to just nod our heads and ignore her, because she didn't take correction. Perhaps the boyfriend's mother is the same way?
Carolyn Hax: Sticking by my answer. Some people can't take correction, fine, grandma's dotty--but beware the guy who won't stand up to a mother who's asking his GF if she's had sex with others. OH my GOD. That's a beast that must be contained, and fast.
Ann Arbor, Mich.:
Dear Carolyn:
(pls. not in paper)
Love your column and could really use some advice. I am married (5+ yrs) with kids and recently left D.C. because my husband got a new position. We both worked 50+ hours while there and thought the relocation would help improve our marriage/family life which was rocky at best. The move has been great for the kids and allowed us to actually see each other during the week. Things are more normal now, but, question for you. My husband has a few friends (30-something, millionaire bachelors) still in D.C. who live a fairly wild life (by most standards) that he used to go out with a lot until fairly early hours in the morning. This created many problems in our marriage. Since we have moved, they now want him to go on various weekend trips, and he wants to go which completely infuriates me. I have gone places with my friends in the past, but much tamer events. I am concerned that I have created a double standard, but cannot help but think that this situation is much different -- or perhaps it is a trust issue, and I am just failing in that department.
I could really use some insight, because I don't think I am overreacting. Especially, given the "bachelor party" atmosphere that usually occurs while these guys are on vacation.
Hope you can help. Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: It is a trust issue, on both sides. You're not giving it and he's asking too much. This would be a substantial issue on its own, but this plus the past rockiness plus the fact that you don't seem to be communicating well--he wants his way you want your way and you've both folded your arms, am I right?--makes me wonder if you shouldn't give marriage counseling a try.
At Work in Washington, D.C.:
I have interesting parents. They marry and divorce each other on a regular basis. Present divorce appears to be sticking (almost six years) but dad is still stringing mom along and mom is eager to follow. Both of them are dating other people, as well as each other. Dad has been dating one of his girlfriends for the full six years of the divorce -- she's an okay person and I don't have major issues with her.
I'm getting married this year and my dad's girlfriend called me after the engagement to say congrats and then followed up with that she thinks it's appropriate for her not to attend the wedding. In my opinion, this was very considerate and I expressed to her my appreciation. However, my mom keeps calling me and demanding that I call my dad and tell him that "that b--ch" can't come to my wedding. I've told my mom that his girlfriend isn't coming, but my mom insists my dad will bring her to D.C. just to spite her. Usually our phone conversations end with my mom crying or she hangs up on me. I'm not eager to be a part of this soap opera and would LOVE advice as to how to stay out of it all, have a conversation with my mom that doesn't end with another of her manipulation attempts and I also don't want to be a bad daughter. ANY advice would help. Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: Have you tried saying, "okay, I called Dad, everything's cool"? Then in response to future calls and demands, you can say it's a closed issue and how is she today otherwise? And when she won't change the subject, say, MOm, i'm not having this discussion, I have to go now, buh-bye!
Mom needs help, obviously, and saying this isn't going to accomplish much of anything, but I don't see the harm in throwing her the occasional scrap of reassurance. She's not thinking rationally, and treating her as if she is thinking rationally will only make -you-irrational too. Be upbeat, keep things warm between you and when you catch a lucid moment, see ifyou can't persuade her to get some counseling. It's not your job to referee your parents' freakish marriage.
Rockville, Md.:
Hi Carolyn,
I was hoping to get your opinion on something that I feel really strange discussing with anyone I know. I've recently fallen into the weird habit of eating things and then spitting them out again -- consistently throughout the day. I love the taste of sweets but can't risk the calories so this seems like a logical compromise. I don't THINK it qualifies as an eating disorder because technically it is not affecting my health. I can't see how it's unhealthy physically. Mentally, however, I see the warning signs. Is this over the edge, or relatively sane behavior? I'm pretty normal and well adjusted other than a few eating hangups.
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: "can't RISK the calories"? When your relationship with food becomes adversarial, it's not wise to dismiss it as "a few eating hangups." These things are complicated and tend to be deeply rooted, not to mention dangerous to your health if left untreated. Check out www.edap.org (Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention) and read up on the subject, see if you see yourself in any of the more specific warning signs. Please don't ignore or dismiss this.
Baltimore, Md.:
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now and the topic of marriage has been avoided at all costs. I am from a part of the country where people get married young (22, 23) and he is from a part of the country where people wait until they are older (27+). I am happy with him on a day-to-day basis, but it makes me sad to think that he does not want to marry me until we are so much older (we are both 22 now).
My friends and relatives at home think this is a travesty that I am not enaged yet and are trying to pursuade me that this current guy is not for me. At every chance they introduce me to other guys. Every time I talk to someone from home I get yet another lecture about why I am not engaged. After I talk to them, I tell my guy about what they said and he just passes them off as "ridiculous." I would like to be engaged to this guy, but I know that he is not even thinking about it. But on the other hand, I am not willing to break up with him over it. Am I being naive? Will this boy ever come around, or am I setting myself up for disappointment?
Carolyn Hax: Would you please stop looking at it as his "coming around," stop indulging your nosy relatives, stop passing along their pressure? You are currently in the midst of a life, and since it's almost guaranteed to end before you're ready for it to, I strongly suggest you stop waiting for some guy or a ring or familial approval to help you live it. You are with someone you like right now. You are happy, yes? Or else you wouldn't be so hot to lock him into a tux and get it over with? So let the happiness be enough already.
Meanwhile, you should be very careful not to let your impatience crowd out actual thought. You should be thinking about whether HE's right for YOU, not fretting about his opinion of you. That's a sure way to find yourself down the road, having "won" this guy, wondering what in hell you were in such a hurry to get.
Oy.
Washington, D.C.:
Hi Carolyn,
I really hope you answer this. This has really been plaguing me for the past couple of days. I am currently living at home with my parents because I am in grad school and I couldn't quite make all my bills on top of paying for my education. Anyway, my brother came home for spring break and he has wreaked havoc on the family ever since he got there. He's very demanding and argumentative and no one seems to stand up to him. I finally got really upset and told them I couldn't stand it. All of the arguing makes me really upset. I tried to ignore it. I tried to stay to have family dinner, but I couldn't. Meanwhile I'm 24 years old and he comes home and the whole family thinks I'm 6 and he's 4 again. What is going on? He doesn't leave until Sunday? What do I do?
Carolyn Hax: Roll with the little stuff, stand up to the big stuff and be glad the problem's closed-ended. It sounds as if no one's set any limits with your brother directly--I say go for it. Be nice, be firm. You'll be doing him a favor.
Girl with freakish parents here ...:
Thanks for the advice. I haven't told her that I won't discuss the issue further and then gotten off of the phone before. This sounds like it may work.
Follow up question: I've suggested that my mom go to counseling to her during up beat conversations before. I bought her a journal to write her good moments in (has never even opened the book). My aunt sat her down and said that she'd take her to a counselor and wait for her in the waiting room. My mom just says that she has everything under control and that's the end of that. How do you help someone who clearly wants to be in the situation that she's in?
Carolyn Hax: You don't. You can't. Realizing where your abilities end is one of the hardest things about being human. All you can do is refuse to reward her with any attention for living in her mini-drama world.
Annapolis, Md.:
At a family dinner this weekend, I caught my 8-year-old neice taking money out of my wallet. She saw me and said she was looking for gum. (In the billfold -- yeah, right.) I said I didn't have any and maybe she should go downstairs. Should I tell my brother?
Carolyn Hax: Yup. 8 is 8 and a parent should be involved.
Shrine Auditorium, Los Angeles, Calif.:
This is for Lisa -- I think it's time to drop Russell Crowe. You're too good for him. That guy has no sense of humor, and he was NOT looking fine at the Academy Awards. washingtonpost.com:
Oooh -- disagree, even though I wasn't wild about the suit. I thought his speech was charming -- would never have expected him to thank his mum and dad. Anyway, thanks everybody who wrote in about our surly friend. -- Lisa.
Carolyn Hax: Boo to the hair, boo to not laughing--hard--at the Ellen Burstyn joke. But I had to rent a storage unit for all my flaws, so what the hell to do I know.
I;m leaving now. Thanks everybody, and type to you Friday.
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