Carolyn Hax (The Post)

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Tell Me About It, LATER
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, March 12, 2001; 3 p.m. EST

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 34-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses" or select "Automatically Update Page."

Arlington, Va.: My wedding date is drawing near, and I'm having some major second thoughts. I love my finacee's personality and have great fun spending time with her, and therefore there's no reason not to follow through. However, as of now, I'm still not totally convinced that I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with her.

We get along perfectly, and I don't doubt that we'd have a great life together. However, I'm frankly not sure I've had enough time living on my own and getting comfortable with who I am. I guess the main issue is that I'm not sure that I wouldn't be as happy or happier living by myself, since I've never really tried it.

Of course, I'm also afraid that if I do call the wedding off, thereby breaking up with her, I'll end up sitting alone in my new bachelor pad regretting it. Thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: Doubts are doubts and they demand attention. Far better to heed them now, while the damage is far, far less scary. I mean it. Backing out or postponing may seem apocalyptic to you now, but it's just not. I'm sorry, you must be in hell.

Falls Church, Va.: Hi, Carolyn,

I'm afraid I've made a terrible mess of things and now I'm not sure what's right. I am a married woman of six years. My husband and I have drifted apart and I fell in love with another man whom I met at work. He wants me to leave my husband for him. What a great beginning that would be. The only good thing is that there are no kids involved. But there are a bunch of relationships that would be broken. One of his sisters has become a good friend of mine and he and his brother hang with my brother, etc. Our parents are friends. Does it say something that these collateral relationships are the ones I think of rather than the one in which I made vows?

On the one hand I think I owe it to my husband to make an effort to repair our marriage. On the other hand I think I should just seize the day and go with this other guy. Then I think what kind of a beginning to a marriage is that? Then I would be the kind of woman who leaves her husband for no real compeling reason. What kind of man wants a woman like that?

A dose of Hax clarity is needed here.

Carolyn Hax: And here it is, the case for facing doubts now! How convenient.

My question is, how much of a mess have you made? Are you having an affair? If you are, it's time to start making honest decisions. Either drop the guy and get into marriage counseling with your husband, or separate from your husband and start sorting through the consequences of your change iof heart.

If you choose the latter, I'd strongly urgently urge you to take time off from the other guy, too. Forget the "Gosh, what a way to start another marriage" BS. Think what you're saying by bouncing from guy to guy, as if the husband was perfectly good right up until the better offer came along. He wasn't--there were problems already, or else your head would never have turned. Unless you give yourself some un-man-cluttered time to sort through what those problems were, how you contributed to them and how you intend to fix them in any future entanglements, there's a good chance you'll do another six-year drift with his ultra-convenient replacement.

Charleston: My friend, who is a guy, asked me to go shopping with him the other day. He was leaving soon to visit his long-distance girlfriend, and she had requested that he bring her a sports bra. I hate shopping for stuff like that, but said OK anyway because I am generally inclined to say yes and try to be helpful. Then it occurred to me that I really didn't want to go, but when I tried to back out, he started whining about how he needed me to go for "moral support," etc. After getting thoroughly annoyed at each other, I ended up going. And I was in such a foul mood the whole time -- but not so much because it was bra shopping. I happen to have a little thing for this friend of mine (which I am pretty sure he is aware of), and the fact that we were shopping for his girlfriend was more irritating to me than words can express. If he knows I like him and all (and he is generally a fairly sensitive kind of guy), why on earth would he insist that I help him shop for his girlfriend when I explicitly said I didn't want to go? Further, any suggestions as to how I can explain away my bad mood so he doesn't think I am just arbitrarily witchy?

washingtonpost.com: Moral support for a sports bra -- that's a new one. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: Too bad there aren't bras with moral support.

First of all, you've got much bigger problems--we're talking D cup--than unrequited love. What's with the "but said OK anyway because I am generally inclined to say yes and try to be helpful"? What does that get you? You contort yourself to please him, then you defeat that purpose entirely by getting pissed that you're all contorted.

If you don't have the strength to act on your own personality and priorities--"Thanks, I love to buy bras for guys' girlfriends, but I have to stay home and stick pins in my arms"--then you can't expect any guy to want to do it for you,much less buy you frillies.

Anonymous: I'm in high school, and by accident found out that my dad is cheating on my mom. My dad gave me a notebook for notes when he dropped me off at school, because I forgot mine at home. It was one that he had lying around in the car. Anyway, inside it, was a folded up letter to his girlfriend, that I guess he forgot to mail. It tells her he misses her, and that he'll see her on his next trip, and stuff like that. I feel so betrayed, and mad at him. Do you think I should show my mom what I found?

Carolyn Hax: NO NO NO. Tell your Dad. Give him a chance to do the right thing here.

Been There, Should Have Called It Off: Arlington, what sucks even more is divorce. My mother said to me two weeks before my wedding "you know, it's not too late to call it off," but I was thinking no, I like him fine, everyone will be disappointed, everything is paid for, what a scandal...blah blah. When we divorced a year later it was WAY worse.

Good luck. I feel for you.

Carolyn Hax: Is it me, or is there more pain than usual today?

Been there, done that: To Arlington who is having doubts --

Don't be afraid of what seems to be the end of the world -- disapointing relatives, losing deposits and feeling like a failure for breaking off an engagement. I did a year and a half ago and thought I might be making a huge mistake -- but I couldn't shake the feeling that going through with it wouldn't be right. It turns out that the extra time were just what my fiance and I needed, both individually and as a couple. The wedding is on for this summer and both of us couldn't be happier.

Even if you don't wind up together, sometimes the hardest decisions feel the best in the end. It's a cliche but it's true -- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Good luck!

Carolyn Hax: Oh good, a happier ending. Thanks.

Anywhere, Anystate: Hi Carolyn,

Thanks for answering my question on Friday's chat. I couldn't get it live but I read it this morning. We're both 20 going on 21 this summer. I asked my question because strong emotions and my body have been saying to go for it while intellectually I'm more inclined to wait. I was starting to think that I should follow my emotions so I thought I would get some feedback before I did something I regretted. I'll try to wait until the intellectual is in agreement with the emotional. Thanks a bunch.

Carolyn Hax: You're welcome. Something else that might give you more paece of mind/confidence with your choice is to figure out -why- your mind is saying no. It's not like you're 14 or you're not attacted to him. Whether your hesitation is moral or emotional or whatever, examining it is the route to a good decision.

Washington, D.C.: Sticky, awful question for you. My father is seriously ill and expected to pass away in the next few months. He and his wife (my stepmother) have been talking about divorcing for years and don't get along, but when he got sick, that conversation was stopped. I recently found out that he is leaving hundreds of thousands of dollars to her and leaving nothing to my sister and I. My sister and I are close to him and have good relationships with him, whereas he and my stepmother fight constantly. In addition to that, I have always thought that in second marriages, people tended to leave assets to their children rather than to the spouse. I am at a loss to understand the arrangements in his will, yet at the same time I don't want to be focusing on money at a time like this. I'm torn about how to react. I'd rather have him alive than any money, but I'm also hurt by the message he's sending.

Carolyn Hax: Forget about the message. It's just money. Your father is your father and he won't be around for long.

Kansas City, Mo.: I have gotten myself into quite a situation. I've been living with my boyfriend for two years now and our relationship has become unbearable. He has become controlling and verbally abusive. We haven't had sex in six months (his choice, not mine) and he doesn't think this is a problem. I have made arrangements to move out and get my own place, but I won't be able to move for five weeks. He has no idea how unhappy I am and every time I try to bring it up, he gets furious and won't listen. I recently found out that he has a history of stalking women when they break it off with him. Carolyn, I'm afraid. Keeping this move from him is tearing me apart, but I feel like I have no choice until I'm safe. Despite these facts, I still feel horribly guilty that I am being deceitful to someone that I love or at least, use to love. I'm also worried that keeping it from him and planning is going to increase his rage and hurt when I finally do go. I have the full support of all my friends and family, but I still feel like a louse (and a fool). I'm hoping we could be friends afterwards, but by protecting myself, I'm afraid I'm making this impossible...and yes, I realize the irony of wanting to be friends with someone I'm afraid of, but I feel that at the least after two years with him we should at least be able to be civil.

Carolyn Hax: I'm afraid too. I don't like the five-week wait, I don't like the wanting to be friends, I don't like the guilt, I don't like the control and abuse, and I really really don't the past history of stalking. Wow. You say you've taken steps to move out, but have you taken steps to protect yourself? Please please run your plans by a counselor experienced in handling domestic abuse. You could be risking your life by trying to do this alone--even by continuing to live with this guy. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (National Dom Violence Hotline) or 800-656-4673 (RAINN--which automatically routes your call to a local center). Pls take care of yourself.

Washington, D.C.: What the hell is wrong with trying to be helpful to a friend? So any time a friend asks you for a favor and it's inconvenient you should automatically say no because you don't get anything out of it? That's the most egocentric thing I've ever heard. And what's the big deal about shopping for a sports bra anyway?!

Carolyn Hax: Oh brother. There's helpful, and there's yes-I-will-be-your-doormat-because-I-want-you-to-love-MEMEME-instead. Please tell me there's a recognizable difference.

Anonymous: I did tell my dad I know that he's cheating, and that I saw the letter and ripped it up. He told me not to say silly things, and that telling my mom something like that could destroy our family. I hate him, and I don't think he's going to stop. I still have the pieces to the letter, though.

Carolyn Hax: Did you point out that you weren't the one setting any family-destruction in motion?

Mmmm, Beer: Why in the world did they stick the beer guy on opposite you?

It's a tough choice really, common sense advice... or beer.

washingtonpost.com: We schedule when people have time -- no conspiracy at work. Toggle back and forth -- and enjoy a frosty one along with your advice fix. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: Nuts here, beer there. Works for me.

New England: Hi. I hope you can help. I've been married less than a year, and things are really on the rocks.

I married a guy I really loved, even though he was severely in debt. Before we ever planned the wedding, I told him he had to visit a debt counselor before I would walk down the aisle with him. He did, created a five-year plan to get out of debt and went to town. I asked him about it now and then, and it seemed like it was going well.

More recently, we moved to a new city and things have just gone downhill like a rocket-launched toboggan. He has no interest in ANYTHING -- me included -- and I've just discovered that he is more than a month or two behind on his bills. We've talked about it, but it's gotten to the point where I feel like his mom. He promised two weeks ago to cancel his credit cards -- hasn't happened -- and re-create the plan to get him out of debt - hasn't happened. It's gotten to the point where he says he'll get the mail, and it takes him four days to walk to the end of the driveway. I don't feel like I can trust anything he says anymore, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm responsible for him as well as me.

To be frank, it's not really the money. It's our future. Anything we remotely want to do with our life -- vacations, buy a house, start a business -- is put on hold indefinitely because he will take no action to get himself out of this situation.

And it's also respect and love for me -- the other night, he refused to go to a concert with me because he said he couldn't afford it (let me iterate that we haven't been out -- even for a cup of coffee -- in MONTHS), but this morning, someone sent us an e-mail responding to his inquiry about buying grape vines (for wine). His entire life is working and sitting on the couch watching television, and I am tired of feeling lonely and unattractive and in the way (he recently told me that when he married me, he thought I'd be away more often because of my work).

And I've tried and tried to open this up. I've offered my help, I've tried to back off and be supportive, but I really don't know who this guy is. I even asked him if he still wanted to be married to me, because based on his lack of involvement in our marriage, it seemed like he was trying to back away. But he insists that isn't the case. He also insists that counseling is not an option.

I really need some help. I'm at the point where moving out is actually sounding like a potential option. What am I doing wrong? Where do I even begin to work through this?

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: I wouldn't be surprised if he were depressed, but the cause hardly matters when he won't do a damn thing about it. Give him one more shot to agree to counseling--for him alone and for both of you as a couple. If he says no, tell him you're moving out. Then do it. I believe in honoring commitments, but what's the point if you're the only one doing it. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

Anonymous: But what should I do? He's not telling, and pretending everything is peachy. I hate him for being such a liar, and I feel sorry for my mom for being such a fool. She is so nice to him. Do you know that she has to get home at 4 every day, no matter what, so that she can fix dinner for him? She says she likes to make dinner for him. And I just hate him for using her, and I don't know what to do. Every day, I hate him more.

Carolyn Hax: What's there to tell? You know, and you have proof. Oh dearie dear. Okay. First thing, YOU need to talk to someone. Your school must have some sort of counseling servoces. It's not just the cheating going on here, it's a pretty twisted-sounding dynamic at home. I don't blame you for being so enraged at your dad, but I think it would be calming, not to mention constructive, to examine both sides of what's going on between them. Then I think you'll be in a much better position to decide what to do here, whether stand up to your dad, talk to your mom, neither, both. Please tell me you'll go.

PREGGERZ, weekend report: Hi. Guess what. We told our family. The sisters and mom were thrilled to pieces -- for about five seconds. Sister-in-law who I suspected can't have kids was TOTALLY blank and non-congratulatory. Then it was like it never happened. I seriously felt like I was in the twilight zone. The whole family was more or less the same -- "Oh, okay." Then nothing. I feel like an idiot for expecting more (no pun intended) than this, but jeez, they were on our case to have kids for four years, and now, all of a sudden, no reaction?!? I'm bewildered and hurt and don't know exactly how to get past this. I think I'm supposed to act like nothing happened!

Thanks in advance -- hope this gets in to the chat on time!

Carolyn Hax: I think you just have to tell yourself that they were all compensating on behalf of the childless one, and you can accept that because you know what she's going through is SO much worse than simply not being congratulated enthusiastically enough. Right?

Bethesda, Md.: Forget Tony and Mike -- I wanna hear the Hax Final Four.

Carolyn Hax: Infidelity, infertility, alienation, despair. Bet the ranch on despair.

Washington, D.C.: OK, we know from Friday that Lisa likes Gladiator movies, but has she ever been in a Turkish prison?

washingtonpost.com: So excellent -- haven't seen an Airplane! reference in a long time. Kudos. -- Lisa.

Carolyn Hax: Over, Unger.

I'm getting whiplash.

Rockville, Md.: Dear Carolyn -- love the column, read it faithfully. Here's a question of office etiquette for you. As an onsite support guy at a large corporate office, I have daily dealings with professional women from admins on up to senior VPs. Many of these women meet with clients daily. Often, when working in someone's cubicle, I cannot help but notice that sometimes the lady executive in question has a huge run in her hosiery. What's the best way to play it? Tell the woman and risk being accused of harassment for "staring at her legs," or allow her to go into a meeting looking somewhat less than professional. I see it as the same thing as noticing some guy's fly being down -- letting the person know disctretely to save them further embarrassment. Please let me know how you feel about these hosiery faux pas. This sort of thing actually happens a lot in the office.

Carolyn Hax: I'm sorry, I don't see how a run in one's hose is unprofessional.

East Coast Florida: My SO of almost a year got an e-mail about a month ago from his youngest daughter who he has not seen in a while stating that she is pregnant (she's 19). He e-mailed her back telling her he loves her and is there for her whenever she needs it. He tried calling her but the number she supplied was not working. He was shocked by the news, to say the least, and even more so by the fact that he hasn't heard a word from her since. He is really hurting over this and I don't know how to help him. Or if he even needs help. Part of me wants to e-mail his daughter and tell her what a schmuck she is being and how badly she is hurting her father. Another part of me wants to smack him upside the head and tell him to find her (she lives in another state), call her, go see her, anything! And then still yet another part of me says to stay out completely. FYI, he is older than me (he's 43, I'm 28). I have been in his daughter's shoes and know how much the support of family means in such a situation. Any ideas on how to handle this one?

Carolyn Hax: Knee-jerk response is to urge you to urge him to go see her, but there also seems to be -major- dysfunction here and I;m reluctant to push it that hard. Certainly he can do some homework to find her phone number, at least?

Anonymous: I don't want to tell anyone at school. That would be too embarrassing. But I could tell my grandmother. She's my Dad's mom, she likes my mom, and I don't think she would approve. Maybe she could make my dad stop.

Carolyn Hax: NO NO NO again, it is not your job to "make your dad stop," or to enlist anyone else to do it. I'm talking about confidential health-services counseling. There's nothing embarrassing or shameful about it. In fact, it will be just as legitimate an education as the stuff you do in your classes. There's stuff you are just starting to learn about your mom and dad, and a trained therapist can help guide you through it the same way a teacher explains a math problem or a battkle strategy. If anything, human emotions and family dynamics are much more complicated than anything else we navigate in life, and yet we're so reluctant to ask for help with it. Don't be. I know it's hard, but place the call.

Washington, D.C: Hi, Carolyn --

Oh, help. Housemate trouble. She's great, I like her a whole lot, but she's constantly (and very verbally) stressed out about SOMETHING, usually work-related. She's a teacher -- granted, one of the world's prime stress jobs, I would think. But the thing is, in the two previous temp jobs she held since moving in with me, she found things there to get just as worked up about. So it's hard to tell when something's a real crisis and when it's just the way she deals with the stress. If she's not complaining to me, she's on the phone, pacing around the house, complaining very loudly to others. So I get to hear each trauma three or four times. It's getting to the point where I'm edgy when I'm at home, and often barricade myself in my room. I don't want to live like this, and know I need to talk to her. So, what can I say, exactly, besides, "You REALLY need to get a grip?" I'm on the verge of an explosion of snarkiness that the East Coast has never seen. Any suggestions on what to tell her are much appreciated.

P.S. She's in counseling even. So I can't even suggest that.

Carolyn Hax: Welp ... sometimes the best approach is to come at it from the compassionate side--"I'm worried about you" vs "I'm finding it hard to breathe your air." Then you can segue into the fact that your home has become a giant stress receptacle and that you're starting to worry about yourself as well.

By the way, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that you blurt this out to the roommate, but if the conversation takes a productive turn...

What she's doing--talkingtalkingtalking about her traumas--is most likely compounding her own misery. Somewhere we all got this notion that it's good to "vent," but unless she's talking about and then implementing ways to deal with the traumas, all she's really doing is dragging them into her leisure hours as well. Think about it: You get insulted in class at 10 am. Bad enough. But then you relive the insult at 2 pm, 4 pm , 6 pm and 9 pm as you retell it to all of your friends? Wouldn't it be better to come home, take bubblybath, try a new recipe, rent "Airplane!" and laugh really hard?

Norfolk, Va.: Carolyn,

For the past year and a half, I have been "courting" a guy who is a great guy and deep down I feel he is the one. His does respond but does not initiate. For example, if I call he'll talk for hours but he doesn't usually call. He did initiate something Valentine's Day. We are lovers. I don't know Carolyn, I think I'm just tired of chasing but he is sooo worth it. What point do you give up? By the way, he is a Marine and cites that as reason for not being able to commit. But I think if you love someone you just try at least. He moved away recently. But we still talk.

HELP!

Carolyn Hax: You say he's worth it but the fact that you're asking me about him says he's not. You tried, now it's his turn to try back. THAT is worth it.

Carolyn Hax: You know, the bubblybath/dinner/video idea might be the best one I've had all day. I'm going to go write my column now so I'll have time to road test it later. Seeya. Thanks for checking in.

Oh, and second-to-last call for getting your name on the mailing list for book signings (email me at tellme@washpost.com). Okay, everyone say Bye, Lisa. Bye, Lisa.

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