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Parody:
"My First Presidentiary: A Scrapbook by George W. Bush"
With Authors Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner
Friday, March 30, 2001; 1 p.m. EST
They got out the crayons and went to work to create a parody book about President George W. Bush. The daily life of Dubya himself, written and illustrated in the style of a third-grader's notebook, is presented in "My First Presidentiary: A Scrapbook by George W. Bush."
Authors Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner (no, not that one) are online Friday, March 30, at 1 p.m. EST to discuss the president's "thoughts and feelings" about everything from "Uncle Dick" (Vice President Dick Cheney) to his blueprints for proposed White House renovations to discussing human rights and foreign policy with Fidel Castro: "Say, how's the arm on that Elian kid? In 15 years or so, he could be bigger than Slammin' Sammy Sosa."
It's a romp through the Oval office, presented by "Modern Humorist," an entertainment company that produces an award-winning daily online comedy magazine. During the Republican convention it achieved popularity and hilarity with its series, "George W. Bush's Diary." "My First Presidentiary" takes off from there, bringing things up to date with life since the Bush inauguration.
A transcript follows.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control
over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: Thanks for having us. As a service to people who might've wandered into the wrong chat, we will also be accepting questions on the topic, "Is your computer annoying you?"
Novi, Mich.:
Is this book for liberals ... or will conservatives with a sharp sense of humor like it?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: We hope that dancing on Al Gore's metaphorical grave conservative's will find it just as funny as wishing Ralph Nader would back a Pinto up into a matchbook factory liberals would.
Brooklyn, N.Y.:
Your book is hilarious, I enjoyed it a lot. Very well done. A question: Do either of you happen to know the name of that Shirley Temple movie where she milks a goat and the milk sprays her in the face?
Mike S., Brooklyn
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: War Babies or Red Headed Alibi.
KG: Actually, I think that was Padon My Pups. I'm sure. Or Captain January, maybe Susanna of the Mounties.
Silver Spring, Md.:
In the early Bush materials that appeared at ModernHumorist.com before the President's book was published, we saw some corrections and comments in red ink. Who was wielding the red pen? Mrs. Bush? If so, does this mean that George W. is the first U.S. president of the 21st century to be home-schooled?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: We would like the reader to project whoever is wielding the pen into their own lives, whether that be a father figure, a god, a national security advisor, or a home-ec teacher.
Huntington Station, N.Y.:
You guys really nailed the illustrations. Did you draw them or farm them out to illustrators?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Kevin does all the illustrations. Fortunately, Kevin drawing at the highest level of his talent is equal to a third grader also trying his hardest.
KG: Actually, I got the job only because my box of crayons has a built in sharpener.
Washington, D.C.:
Hello, this is Dick Cheney. I enjoy your
renderings of me. They are flattering, to
say the least. I would like to commission
Mr. Guilfoile for a portrait. What is your
asking price?
Signed,
The Veep
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Get in line behind the National Portrait Gallery, Dick.
JW: He means Mr. Vice President.
Chicago, IL:
Messrs. Warner and Guilfoile,
Where else on the web might we find your
humorous writings?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: I'm so glad my brother was able to log in and ask this question, thanks.
KG: We write regularly for Modern Humorist (www.modernhumorist.com), Mcsweeneys.net, and dezmin.com, as well as other places. Almost all of our online stories are neatly archived at www.myfirstpresidentiary.com, and there's more stuff on the book at www.georgewscrapbook.com.
Chicago, Ill.:
Kevin,
You've got a phone call. Want me to take
a message?
Stacie
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Kevin's a little busy mocking the ruler of the free world right now.
Falls Church:
You are just jealous of Bush's extreme manliness. You are not manly. You are girly men.
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Untrue. Just the other night as I was watching Once and Again, I hardly cried at all.
KG: I'm having a big party for this weeks Providence: The Outbreak episode, where Melina Kanakarides saves the the eastern seaboard from the hanta virus.
Baltimore:
What is the most "extreme" or awkward statement Bush has made since he became the president?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: The most extreme thing he's ever said is: "You ski the K-12 dude, and girls will go sterile just looking at you!"
La Grange, Ill.:
Kev,
Can you pick up a gallon of milk and
some cat litter on the way home?
Maureen G., La Grange, IL
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Again, Kevin very very busy right now.
KG: You want the store bought plastic, or the Oberweiss in the returnable glass bottle?
JW: Please answer later.
Bend, Ore.:
Is Mr. Bush aware of your pen pal project? Does he subscribe?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Just to reiterate, you can sign up for the pen pal service at www.georgewscrapbook.com. We don't know if the President is aware of the project, but the Treasurey Department (Secret Service) appears to be checking us out twice a week.
Arlington:
Kevin-are you from Pennsylvania?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Yes, I lived in Pittsburgh until I was 10 and then I lived there until I was 11.
Providence, R.I.:
How did you learn to spell Melina
Kanakarides' name right?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Because she blends that certain sass, and spunk with sexy vulnerability I thought the least I could do is learn how to spell her name.
I also write haiku about her.
Vienna:
I am sick and tired of commie pinko limp-wristed liberals running down our great leader. You are just intimidated by the force of his character. Go back to Moscow, punks.
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: It's weird, some Russian guy called me on the phone and recited a Robert Frost poem, and the book just poured out.
JW: I also blew up an ammunitions depot.
Waco, Tex.:
Would you have done a similar book if Gore had won? Nader?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: If Gore had won we would've written a romance novel. If Nader had won, it would've been about a sexy, forensic-paleotherapist tracking down a beautiful cannibal serial killer.
JW: I'm too busy doing all the typing to think up funny things to say.
KG: My shorts are bunching up.
KG: Dude, you weren't supposed to type that.
Brooklyn, N.Y.:
This book is hilarious. How did you get
the idea? How long did it take?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: We wrote the book over 18 days, starting after the Supreme Court stole...
KG: He means, interceded.
JW: the election. It's based on the George W. Diaries we did during the Republican Convention, which can be seen at www.modernhumorist.com
Hyattsville, Md.:
I will like to know if the environmental concerns are something that this president, assuming he is out to defend the interest of oil companies etc., will ever put on his table. For it seems he does not seem to be willing to stop giving in to big oil, big business, credit card companies, etc., when will he start to be everybody's president?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Don't you use oil, patronize businesses and own a credit card? He's the people's President, man.
Nome, Alaska:
What advice would you give to aspiring humorists?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: First, in your case, I would conquer the Nome comedy circuit, which should take about 48 hours.
Rhinelander, Wis.:
How are you guys doing in your quest to
outrank Twain's Huckleberry Finn on
Amazon.com? Anything I can do to help?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: So people know, on our website, www.myfirstpresidentiary.com, we talk about our feud with Twain, namely, we wish our Amazon ranking to kick his Amazon ranking in the teeth and call him Betsy.
Right now, we're way ahead.
KG: So it's important that you either buy many copies of our book, or supress the purchase of Huck Finn. We suggest alternatives, such as: Johnny Tremaine, Lord of the Flies, or A Separate Peace.
Pittsburgh, Pa.:
It seems like there's a lot of Bush humor
out now, in books and on TV (Comedy
Central's new show). How is yours
different?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG:We're trying to get people to refer to our book as the Finnegan's Wake of hastily produced trade paperbacks.
South Bend, Ind.:
Hey John,
I can see you are a humorist of great
repute, but I'm curious, have you ever
worked on a post-modern novel? Has any
of it ever been excerpted in print? If so,
where?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: More relatives checking in. Indeed, I have the first 700 words of my post-post-modern novel, in the current print issue of McSweeney's, accompanied by a song (as all stories in the issue are) by They Might Be Giants.
KG: I have also written a novel. But I have yet to find someone who will set it to music.
Utica, N.Y.:
Jenna Bush - Party Girl or not?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Party girl.
KG: Party girl, and lovin' it.
Atlanta:
Is Kevin Guilfoile your real name, or is that a pen name?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: It's as real as this "Atlanta" place. I mean, come on, if you're going to try to hide where you're from, at least make it something reasonable, like Sasquatchahanna.
Washington, D.C.:
I was with you until you started knocking Huck Finn. He ROCKS!
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Twain rocks, but he's dead.
KG: We're alive and we have mortgages and stuff.
Abilene, Texas:
Did you edit any gags out of the book that seemed too outrageous? If so, care to share?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: When you write a book in 18 days, everything goes in.
Alberta, Canada:
Is the book available in Canada yet?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: We don't know. But it should be.
KG: The book says Canada, $14.95 on the back cover. Seems pricy. Don't you have a Canadian Alan Greenspan to rein in that money supply up there.
Falls Church, Va.:
Which celebrity would you prefer as president?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Rip Taylor.
JW: Or, really, anyone from the Match Game.
Fayrene, D.C.:
Do you expect to get invited to the White House (a la Dana Carvey and Darryl Hannah)?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Expect? No. Hope to, yes.
KG: Daryl Hannah got invited to the White House. Jackie O must've been ticked.
Baltimore, Md.:
Should Mr. Bush be a joke before he's established himself as president?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG:
If you give a President too much slack in the beginning by waiting to make fun of him, it becomes too late.
JW: Look at what happened with Franklin Pierce.
Pittsburgh, Pa.:
What are the political leanings of the authors?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: I'm somewhere to the right of Sarah Michelle Gellar, and to the left of Jessica Alba.
KG: I am above and a little to the right of John
Williamsport, PA:
Where do you see the "business" of
Modern Humorist going? Are you guys
the next National Lampoons? Any t.v.
deals in the works?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: We're not overly involved in the business of Modern Humorist, so it's hard to comment. Are primary responsibility is to fly to New York monthly and shave (Editor) Michael Colton's back.
KG: I see them going all the way to Salt Lake in 2004
Atlanta, Ga.:
I'm a teacher in Atlanta. Would you guys be willing to come for Career Day?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Our speaking fee is $25,000.
KG: Is your school rich?
Arlington:
When will Buffy the Vampire Slayer be invited to the White House?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Where there are vampires, there will be Buffy.
JW: You haven't seen much of James Baker, lately, have you? Coincidence, I think not.
Farmington Hills, Mich.:
This question is for Kevin. Dude, now that you have hit it big, any chance you will be repaying your brothers the cash you raised from selling the family baseball card collection?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Dude, the guy who spends an entire summer at a card table in the living room, putting the cards in chronological and numerical order, can sell as many of them on Ebay as he likes.
JW: I concur. Only I would substitute Beannie Babies, for baseball cards.
Eugene, Ore.:
Do you guys perform live? If so, any
chance of doin' the college circuit?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: We do indeed. But we need a groundswell of popular support to get us on the road. Drop us a line at wwww.myfirstpresidentiary.com and we'll see what we can do.
KG: We also perform via videoconferencing.
Austin, Tex.:
Are you funnier than Seinfeld? George
Burns? Saved by the Bell?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: No, on all counts.
JW: Unfortunately, that is true.
Alberta, Canada:
Regarding the steep Canadian price...I think we impose a tariff on cross border humour.
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Is that why my Television asks for money when I'm watching SCTV?
KG: What do you thin they got for Michael J. Fox?
Soweto, South Africa:
What topic do you consider off limits for humor?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: We've been laying off the daughters until about five minutes ago.
JW: If you sign up for the email, this'll make sense.
Tampa, Fla.:
Which member of Bush's cabinet holds the most humor possibilities?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: We're pitching a sitcom to UPN called Two's Trouble starring Spencer Abraham and Larry Lindsey cooped up in an undersized West Wing office.
Denver, Colo.:
I'm very fond of this book -- particularly the
picture of -The Thing (not a tracing)- Has
GW read the book?
Also, I hear that amazon.com took down a
wish list for George W. Bush. Is there a
conspiracy of silence that is trying to hide
the fact that our country is being run by a
nine year old boy?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Thanks for the props. Amazon has a policy prohibiting the facilitation of gift giving to world leaders.
JW: So no conspiracy there.
Bellwood, Ill.:
You guys were great at that Dave Eggers
reading last Monday. When was the last
time anyone laughed that hard with or at
you in public?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: I had a mishap last week, involving buttered peas and milk that I'd rather not discuss.
KG: When I was a child, I had very thick glasses, a lot of allergies (my parents had to throw away my stuffed animals and replace them with puppets) and I was also allergic to Kleenex, so I had to carry around a handkerchief in first grade. so pretty much, the years 1976-82 inclusive.
JW: You do the math.
Brenda Starr:
So what was it like, being married to Liz
Taylor like that?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: As Puffy says of J. Lo. "There's always a place for her in my heart, you know what I'm saying? Word."
Billings, Montana:
You boys are very rude.
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: I'm sorry, we can't remember single thing we've said in this chat.
JW: Is it the Nome thing?
KG: We love Nome.
Reno, Nevada:
What would you guys be doing right now if you weren't doing this?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: I'd be eating lunch.
KG: I'd be eating John's lunch.
Chicago, Ill.:
Who are you and why would anyone even care?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Mom, I told you I'd make that missed birthday up to you.
Spokane, Wa.:
Do you consider yours a coffee table or a
bathroom book?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Do you have a coffee table in your bathroom?
YourHomeTown, USA:
Wait, what was the Dave Eggers thing?
I'm not on the "inside" so you'll have to
explain to us country bumpkins who aren't
involved in the N.Y. Literary scene.
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Dave was nice enough to loan us his minions for 10 minutes at his reading in Chicago.
KG: Because he owes me money.
Seattle, Wash.:
What should be expect when you two are richer than Bill Gates?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Crushing of adversaries using predatory market practices, that kind of thing.
Arlington, Va.:
I understand George W. is quite a Pong player. What kinds of games does he have time for now that he's in the White House?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: I hear he's very into Gnip Gnop.
JW: He thinks he's good, but all he does is whale on the buttons randomly until his hands are bloodied and calloused.
KG: No skills at all.
Downers Grove, IL:
Kevin and John,
If Gore had been elected, would you still
have written a book for Modern Humorist,
or would their publishing plans have
changed drastically?
PS What do you think of Jerry Orbach?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Jerry Orbach is America's greatest living actor.
Toledo, Ohio:
So what's next for you guys?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Beats us, what are you doing later?
The Bronx:
Now that theOnion people have moved to
N.Y., is there any friction between you and
them?
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: JW: Kevin and I live in Chicago, so to have friction between us and the Onion would mean that on or both of us would have to be hugely fat.
KG: That's weird.
Chicago, Illinois:
Kevin,
Do you consider yourself more humorist
or illustrator, or some combination of
both? Please break your answer down
into a percentage. Thanks.
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: 60% husband, son and friend. 20% handyman. 15% consumer of Mountain Dew. 5% illustrator.
Somerville, Massachusetts:
Aren't you a teensy bit ashamed of taking on such an easy target? Your concept seems as challenging as creating the "Dan Quayle Spelling Primer." Make me laugh about Defense Secretary Rumsfeld and I'm yours forever.
Also -- what's your favorite way of pronouncing "primer?"
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: KG: Buy the book and see page 6 for your Donald Rumsfeld jokes.
JW: I pronounce "Primer" "easy book."
Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner: Both: Thanks everyone for participating. It was fun. We didn't get to all the questions, but (one final shameless plug) we have a message board at www.myfirstpresidentiary.com where we'll be glad to continue the conversation.
Also, check out www.georgewscapbook.com for more info about the book and Modern Humorist.
If you go into a bookstore and pick up a book and decided not to buy it (horrors!) please return it to a more conspicious place in the store.
Thanks again,
Kevin and John
wsahingtonpost.com:
That was our last question today. Thanks to Kevin Guilfoile and John Warner, and to
everyone who joined us.
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