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Rough Draft Live
With Joel Achenbach
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, April 9, 2001; 2 p.m. EDT
This week, Post reporter Joel Achenbach is thinking about solitude. He's wondering whether the cherry trees are really worth all this fuss, or are Washington's most famous members of the horticultural kingdom just another excuse for people to congregate?
He's also worried about his toilet and relations with China -- yes, in that order. But what would war with China mean? Would we have to give back the Pandas? Food shortages? A draft? Could we subcontract to avoid the hassle?
Join Achenbach online Monday, April 9, at 2 p.m. EDT to talk about China, toilets, spring cleaning and whatever else is on your mind.
Achenbach's column, Rough Draft, appears online a couple of times a week.
The transcript follows.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control
over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Joel Achenbach: Hi! Just figured out how to enter the chat arena here. About today's column: Though swill, and without any redeeming qualities, it does contain a slight kernel of truth, in that it mentions that there are too many people. I'm not anti-people, though. I plan to become a people person, in fact. I am working on my people skills, like making eye contact when I talk to people instead of looking at my feet and mumbling and walking away in mid-sentence. Anyway...um...the joke about Fisher, I changed it. From Euell Gibbons to Mad Max. To be closer to the truth (you know me, a stickler). Fisher doesn't actually know who Mad Max is, because he didn't see the Road Warrior movies. The point is, he's not exactly Nature Boy.
ok...so whats up.
Cherry Blossoms:
The cherry trees are definitely worth the trouble. Few things are more beautiful than the combination of blue sky, pink flowers and white monuments.
It's the so-called "Peak" that is overrated. In the first place, it is only 70% of the blossoms open at once. With all those millions of blossoms, are you really going to notice that only 65% are open? Even 50%? Assuming a big storm doesn't knock them all down, the trees are gorgeous for at least a week.
Having said that, I have to admit that I like it a lot better when the cherry trees bloom early, before the festival starts and the crowds get here.
Joel Achenbach: You're quite right of course, and I am a monster for saying they should be cut down. But in a sense aren't they a little silly, and beside the point in a time when nature is under assault? Can't my column be read as a righteously indignant screed against the prettifying and gardenization of nature as wilderness falls to the bulldozer? Someone, help me. I need oxygen.
Joel Achenbach: I have fallen down and am typing this from the floor with one hand
Arlington, Va.:
Why not enlist those beavers who were chowin' down on the cherry trees two years ago to finish their work?
Joel Achenbach: The Republicans harvested all of them. They're being WORN.
Falls Church, Va.:
Why don't we just refuse to take back the 24 crewmen until the Chinese apologize to us?
Joel Achenbach: Clear thinking, that's what this crisis needs.
Cincinnati, Ohio:
Joel,
After reading about your tribulations with trying to repair your toilet, I’m surprised you simply don’t abandon the hassle and pretension of indoor plumbing. From what I gather from your writings, you seem like a naturalist at heart. Why not get back to the basics in a truly Thoreauian way? You could go completely Old School and get one of those outhouses with the cut-out moon in the door. Forget those fancy port-a-potties with their disinfectants. In fact, you wouldn’t even need to bother with toilet paper, just a catalog or two from Sears. Your neighbors may not appreciate what it’ll do to their property values, but at least you won’t have to deal with the crowds at Home Depot.
Tom Villa
(Bob's less successful cousin)
Joel Achenbach: How many people out there have actually used an outhouse? With a sears catalog? My arm is up in the air. I think it was near Melrose, Florida.
Knoxville, Tenn.:
Joel,
I was reading your transcript last week -- you said Catch-22 (one of my absolute favorites) had no plot The plot, well maybe it was more of a theme, had to do with Orr- because Orr was the ONLY one in the book that HAD A PLAN. Yossarian (and everyone else) couldn't escape the war because he didn't have a plan; he just wanted out. Orr escaped and his preparation to do so, consistently through out the book just went right over Yossarian's head.
Joel Achenbach: As I recall the book ends with Orr making it to Scandinavia or something? It's been years, but what a classic. In much the same spirit -- funny, poignant, anti-war -- is Corelli's Mandolin. This cat Louis De Bernieres is brilliant.
The frozen ice cap:
Joel --
So we are sending another piece of equipment over to Mars to be eaten by the invisible monster over there. Think this probe will survive?
And do you think there's any chance that we can send real people over there without them killing each other after being cooped up for three years on the round trip? Is there any research on this? Can we send Bob Barr?
Joel Achenbach: NASA needs one of these things to work. I don't know much about Odyssey but I can guarantee you they double-checked to make sure the English units were translated in metric and vice versa.
Washington, D.C.:
Here's a stumper. Suppose the unthinkable happens, and we go to war with China. Could you still do the Rough Draft?
Would it be horribly gauche to make fun of a sitting president who happened wearing the Commander-in-Chief hat especially prominently at the moment?
Joel Achenbach: Journalists are citizens. If drafted I will serve. But if I did propaganda I'd change the byline to J. LeRoy Achenbach (which is my actual name, fyi).
San Diego, Calif.:
Joel, What's with all the demands for apologies? Seems like someone is always asking the U.S. to say sorry.
Joel Achenbach: Yeah! We should stick to our guns. Um, so to speak.
Washington, D.C.:
RE: the cherry tree situation -- why not just move the trees to a place that needs the tourist dollars? With all the high tech failures, Tyson Corners needs a new drawing card.
Joel Achenbach: Move them to the WorldCom parking lot!
The District:
Joel:
This is more statement than question. I have a SEAL-trained group of beavers that I am releasing into the tidal basin. Within days, I hope this new family of long-toothed critters will be able to turn the cherry trees into cherry chips and forever relieve my--and that of thousands of others-- commute to work during this time.
With the cherry trees gone we can plant oaks instead.
What do you think? Do I send the beavers out for lunch?
Respectfully,
Frustrated in Washington.
Joel Achenbach: Dont you love the smell of a wood-chipper in the morning.
somehow in D.C.:
Re the cherry blossom horror, I can do you one better. While strolling among the trees last Friday, I saw something in the hollow of one trunk. Reaching in, I found, to my horror, a condom. (Whether used or not, I did not stop to investigate)
Joel Achenbach: Someone please write my response for me so that I'm not fired.
Arlington, Virginia:
My mother lived with her grandparents in the late 1940s -- they didn't get outdoor plumbing or electricity until 1963.
Joel Achenbach: And this was in Arlington? I always thought Arlington seemed primitive. I mean before Gannett got there.
Arlington, Va.:
Way to go on today's column. Reminded me of one of my favorite quotes from Catcher in the Rye:
"That’s the whole trouble... You can’t ever find a place that’s nice and peaceful, because there isn’t any. You may think that there is, but once you get there, when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write "---- you" right under your nose."
Joel Achenbach: Did Salinger elide the vulgarity or is that just you.
What is it today, Catch 22 and now Catcher in the Rye. Why did no one do the obvious sequel, Catch 22 in the Rye.
Ashburn, Va.:
I think the whole point of the blossoms is
the quasi-elite nature of it. Anybody can
glance out the window at home and look
at the leaves on the trees at peak in the
fall, but to see peak blossoms requires
planning, guts, patience, and in some
cases, semi-automatics weapons to
even get close enough the see them with
binoculars. It becomes like a battle scar.
Joel Achenbach: You can say you did it! You can lord it over your neighbors. "I saw the cherry blossoms at the Tidal Basin and they were AT PEAK."
Joel Achenbach: I was at Woodstock and ate some of the brown acid with Jerry Garcia.
Joel Achenbach: It was just the three of us up there, Neil, Buzz, and me. Couldn't believe we were on the moon.
Washignton, D.C.:
Is it just me, or has the mad cow/ecoli/hoof and mouth, etc not stopped people from scarfing down hotdogs from those oh-so-frightening vendor carts (while viewing the natural wonders of the cherry trees after descending from their oh-so-environmentally friendly tour bus...) ?
Joel Achenbach: True fact: It was a very warm, summery day today (we had no spring -- it went from winter to summer in one of those weird Global Warming-type situations that Bush says is scientifically impossible), and I did what i usually do on nice days, which is head to the subway food court for some depresso dining. And i was eating this food with beef in it? Right? And I was looking at the beef? And I thought: this has that "mad cow" look to it.
Arlington, Va.:
Do you pronounce your name Ash-en-bock or Ock-en-bock?
Joel Achenbach: Achin' Back.
Joel Achenbach: Archin' Bock.
The Fourth Estate's Fifth Column:
When are we allowed to start calling them "hostages?" Is it entirely up to Ted Koppel?
Joel Achenbach: Have they started doing that "Day 14" sort of thing? Its when they start counting the days that we're in big trouble. Until then its just a "situation."
Cow, Md.:
We can blame everything on Mad Cow/Hoof/foot in mouth this year, whereas before it was... what, El Nino?
Joel Achenbach: No, Monica Lewinsky.
Brookline, Mass.:
Condom response - Was the condom in a wrapper? Generally, when you find an unwrapped condom in the hollow of a tree, it's been used. This is why the boy scouts manual cautions hikers and rock climbers never to put their hands where they can't see.
Joel Achenbach: no no no, we dont want a RATIONAL response, we want a joke. and not just a clinton joke.
Washington, D.C.:
So condoms get you fired but LSD is okay?
I'll never understand journalistic ethics...
Joel Achenbach: The LSD line was implicitly in quotation marks. I was 8, for the record. At home. Watching "Dark Shadows" or something like that.
Inside the Beltway:
The Why staff... Where are they now? Have they gone on to bigger and better things?
Joel Achenbach: The Why staff went dot.com and now they're banging on my door looking for work. HAH. Fat chance. They abandoned me to this lowly Internet column with 7 readers. THEY WILL NEVER WORK IN MY BUNKER AGAIN.
Washington, D.C.:
Don't look now, here comes West Nile Virus.
Joel Achenbach: i thought there was a Blue Nile and a White Nile. Never heard of the West Nile.
Mathews, Va.:
I left NOVA nine years ago because the incredible development was choking me then. (Amen to your picture of a smog choked walker!) When I read your column today, I thought I saw something about some UNDEVELOPED Northern Virginia acreage. Is this the truth? Is there any left? I imagine it's already been sold if the developers are already crawling over it like so many termites.
Joel Achenbach: NOVA is increasingly horrible, I hate to say. Its the most beautiful country on the east coast, and its turning into a poster child for sprawl and traffic. of course, as i say that, i realize that i am constantly driving around out there, joining the jam.
Arlington, Va.:
No, I did. Salinger used the actual "F" word, but I thought my comment might be censored if I didn't pre-edit. Cause the Post is full of literary fascists, doncha know....
Joel Achenbach: i dont like seeing obscenities in the paper. i'm a throwback. i wouldn't even type f--k, i'd type ---k. of course then people get confused.
Joel Achenbach: The boss is suddenly walking this way...
Joel Achenbach: I just got fired.
People's Ministry of Trees:
APOLOGIZE to the cherry trees!
Joel Achenbach: I'll have to clear that with Cheney.
Ich bin ein Brookliner:
. . . If, on the other hand, the condom was still in it's wrapper, it was probably secreted their by a young gent with an elaborate plan for a romantic seducttion, or by a squirrel with unusual sensibilities about population growth.
Joel Achenbach: it could be a purely natural, if highly unusual, element of the tree.
Richmond, Ind. (a long 10 hour drive from the cherry trees):
You all don't get it. I think the problem is you take it for granted. I've been away at college now for 3 years and have thus missed seeing the cherry blossoms for a while. Although there is much I miss in D.C. there is nothing more naturally spectacular and striking as seeing thousands of blossoming trees that date back almost 100 years. If this was taken from you, you would miss it a whole lot more than what you go through for two weeks of tour buses and crowds of people. It is so worth it. And where better a display than our home, the nation's capital.
Joel Achenbach: Fair point. I actually like the blossoms on the hill and the big old cherry trees in Kenwood.
McLean, Va.:
I rarely get any satisfaction out of Crossfire. They put whimpy folks on for the Left, and relatively articulate conservatives... so much for the liberal media. I did like what the guy from the Left, said, however... Something about "if a terrorist has your kid and demands and apology... you apologize, get your kid back and then you smack the SOB." Your thoughts?
Joel Achenbach: I have to believe that we can find some way to placate the Chinese without apologizing directly. Let them invade a country or something. Aren't there hard-headed people who can make that deal? Also there's the crossed-fingers approach. Apologize with crossed fingers. Now i'm thinking.
Dupont Circle:
Oh, I was eight too in 1968 and wasn't Dark Shadows "da bomb"? I also loved the Rookies and David Carradine in that weird show in which he was called Grasshopper, went forth to spread peace through out the wild west, then kung fu'd the pants off some outlaw. Those were Quality TV shows!
Gilligan's island was great too, but I always wondered where they stowed all that stuff they apparently unpacked after they were shipwrecked....
Joel Achenbach: Ginger brought SO many clothes for that 3-hour cruise.
Arlington, Va.:
I went to see the cherry blossoms on Saturday and while the trees were very pretty, my experience was somewhat tainted by the fact that I saw about four large dead fish floating near the edge of the Tidal Basin. It kind of grossed me out. It makes you wonder how much attention is given to the pollution of the Tidal Basin while we are oohing and ahing over the cherry blossoms at its banks.
Joel Achenbach: The fish have eyes on the SIDES of their heads and that's the only way they can view the blossoms. They weren't dead.
Arlington, Va.:
Here is Joel's response:
"What kind of moron reaches into trees! Was your mother, perchance, a squirrel?"
Joel Achenbach: Oh, you're a stitch.
Reston, 20190:
Joel, during lunch I was surfing around the Post and saw the "Exploding Manholes" Special Report section. Exploding Manholes get a special report section, just like China, and their own graphic, which China doesn't have. We can see which story is more important to the Post! Sometimes it really does feel like a local paper. Oh, and about that cow you dated in Miami. When I lived in Utah we said that Utah was a place where men are men and sheep are paranoid. Guess it's cows in Florida. And "Exploding Manholes" would be a great name for a rock band.
Joel Achenbach: you know the post IS a local newspaper. I hope that doesn't come as a shock. We are proud of our 17-part pulitzer-prize-winning Exploding Manhole series.
washington, dc:
I saw in Kurtz's column or chat earlier today (I never do any work, just keep bouncing around the Post website) that W had talked to HW about the crisis at least once, but that the White House was trying to keep that quiet.
I don't know about you, but if the cruise missiles start flying I want Poppy to have an office in the West Wing. The old man is good at the war thing.
Joel Achenbach: Presidents used to have a Hot Line to the Kremlin. Now, Dubya's got his Poppy Line.
McLean, Va.:
We could write "From the U.S. We're very, very sorry" on the side of an ICBM and send it on it's way to Bejing. Would that suffice?
Joel Achenbach: I love it when the Pentagon generals join our chats.
Reston, Va.:
So, now in a matter of a few weeks, Bush has managed to piss off the Chinese, the Japanese, the environmentalists, the labor unions, the pro-choicers & all of western Europe. What are your predictions for the next 3.5 years?
Joel Achenbach: You meant to type ---s off.
I think Bush will continue to speak of bipartisanship and conviviality and good intentions, while secretly plotting World War III.
Washington, D.C.:
Exploding Manholes special section? Post a link, post a link! I work near 31st and M and would love to see this... washingtonpost.com:
KABOOOOOM!!!
Joel Achenbach: WE ARE SO INTERACTIVE.
Washington, D.C.:
Typical knee-jerk reaction to floating fish that must have been killed by pollution - these fish migrate up river a great distance, they were obviously tired and just sleeping.
Joel Achenbach: They always sleep after they spawn.
Greenbelt, Md.:
Do you think Mia Hamm will own this town by the end of the summer?
In other words, will she so captivate Washingtonians with her spirited pro soccer play that Washington will sit in dumbfounded adoration of young Mia?
Joel Achenbach: You would think she'd get an endorsment contract with Hormel, wouldn't you.
Two cubes behind you and to the left:
Do you ever listen in on the other online chats? Which is your favorite?
Joel Achenbach: I admire the people like Dirda who actually have something to say. Dirda has read all the books -- all of them. He goes into a Borders megastore and finds nothing that he hasn't already read twice.
Hooterville:
Joel,
I heard your commentary on NPR this morning. I can't remember a thing you said or what it was about, but I was struck by hearing your voice for the first time. Actually, I thought you sounded about as old as one of my kids. I really expected you to sound like some macho Jesse Ventura or Eastwood type. Now I am confused
Joel Achenbach: I know, you would think i'm a ripped, buff, ultramacho he-monster who eats steel for breakfast, right? And then there's my voice on the radio, and its like Wimpy Man Has An Issue to Share. The Wimpster. I need voice surgery or something.
Cambridge, Mass.:
Or, apologize to the Chinese, and then proclaim that it's "backwards day."
Joel Achenbach: Bush should apologize and then later explain that he doesn't actually "speak for the Administration."
Joel Achenbach: sorry, was on the phone. did someone ask something. see i dont just do these chats and nothing else.
Washington, D.C.:
Do you ever get the sense listening to these questions that there's not a woman in the room?
What's your Rough Draft demographic, Joel?
Joel Achenbach: Women work. Men goof off. This is a total goof-off thing to do.
Joel Achenbach: I dont know the demographic but, fyi, in the last few days I've gotten emails from a 91-year-old and a 95-year-old. They are my favorite correspondents to date -- incredibly smart and thoughtful.
D.C. Native:
Yes, I agree with you that it's the crowds that are spoiling everything. What do you think of this tip: go counter to what the masses do, always? When I was in my 20's I used to get off the restaurant shift at 2 am and ride down to Hains Point with two buddies. It remains the best possible time to sit on the sculpture of the man emerging from the earth. Only ride the Rock Creek Bike path at 9:30 am Tuesdays. Go to Adams Morgan restaurants only on Monday nights (and take the bus. Think of it as an anthropological expedition). See matinees on Thursday afternoons. And do as much of the Folklife Festival as possible, except on weekend days and July 4th!
I think the above is good advice. What do you think?
Joel Achenbach: Eat dinner at 3 a.m.
Sleep from noon til 8 p.m.
Garden at midnight.
Go to Camden Yards when no one is there but the cleaning crew.
Joel Achenbach: Actually that's great advice, thanks for sharing it.
re: apology:
Bush should apologize in Bush-isms. Translated into Mandarin, they should sound appropriately alegoric. In English, he'll be able to revise the interpretation.
Joel Achenbach: Just let Bush ad-lib -- no one can claim that there is any absolute meaning to what he says. All is interpretation.
Washington, D.C.:
I hate to break it to Richmond, but the trees "that date back almost 100 years" have been long gone. The head horticulturist of cherry trees (or whatever his title is) was on Live Online last week, and he stated that only a few hundred of the original 3000 trees are still around. So Richmond is getting all misty over cherry offspring. Get a grip. washingtonpost.com:
National Park Service Chief Horticulturalist Live Online (March 21)
Joel Achenbach: yeah, these ones now, they're practically FAKE.
Charm City, Md.:
Hey...whoever said it's all guys in here is wrong! Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I don't goof off...
When are you on NPR? I'm intrigued...
Joel Achenbach: I never know. They use me as filler. Glad to have your gender represented, thank you for coming by and joining those of us drinking Bud and smashing the empty cans against our foreheads.
Female:
I take offense at the comment that "women work, men goof off." I am as feminine as they come and can goof off with the best of them.
Joel Achenbach: But do you feel guilty? Men can do it with no shame.
Arlington 2.0:
There are a few women here. You can tell by the nice handwriting.
Joel Achenbach: Very good observation.
Washington, D.C.:
Great column on the cherry blossoms--you've given me an idea for a screenplay that should sell--I'll pitch it as a cross between "The Fisher King" and "All the President's Men": a Washington Post columnist writes a column about chopping down the cherry trees, and when one of his fans who also happens to be a nutcase and who also happens to be a George W. staffer (possible relatedness of these three forms of nuttiness in the actual script) comes out of the woodwork with an axe to do Achenbach's "bidding," shouting out some anti-environmentalist and/or anti-Japanese and/or anti-Founding Father slogans as he begins to chop down the cherry trees, mayhem ensues ...
Where was I?
Oh, yeah, this was supposed to be a question, wasn't it.
So, how about checking out the blossoms in your own neighborhood? Why does everyone think they have to see those particular cherry trees?
Joel Achenbach: I think you're supposed to be on strike. Screenwriter thing. And yes, see earlier comment on kenwood...I like the bradford pears too...the redbuds...the camelias...
Ashburn, Va.:
I'm not goofing off, I'm decreasing
entropy. Work releases heat leading to
the heat death of the universe. So really
I'm doing charity work by extending the life
of the universe. I should get a tax write-off
for this
Joel Achenbach: You're being counter-entropic. Of course.
Dee Cee:
Hi Joel,
Sorry I missed most of this conversation. I've been in traffic trying to go see the cherry blossoms. Never made it. Had to turn around many blocks before I got there.
Your column is right on the mark. Say, what should we do with the space created when the cherry trees are removed?
-- Joe
Joel Achenbach: Wal-Mart?
Northern Va. (yeah, it's pretty crowded):
So I have to ask: What exactly is the downside to apologizing to the Chinese? Isn't that one of life's important little lessons, that occasionally you have to apologize--even if you think you're in the right--just to keep the peace? Isn't that one of the keys to marital happiness? Don't all rational adults have to go through this at one time or another? I just don't see what, exactly, we lose by apologizing. It's not like China is suddenly going to perceive us as weak and launch an invasion. Please.
This all just seems like so much testosterone-induced posturing.
Joel Achenbach: It's a good point, though if I'm a military person and am engaged in a lawful flight across international airspace and some fighter jock plays bumper cars and gets himself killed, i'm going to be reluctant to apologize. I think there's both sides in other words.
District:
Joel,
DO you like being called the new Dave Barry? Does that mean you'll get your own TV sitcom? Who would you like to play you?
Joel Achenbach: NO ONE has ever called me the new Dave Barry. Get a grip. The singular difference between me and D.B. is that he happens to be genuinely funny, whereas I have to labor for hours, even days, on a joke, rifling through reference books and old Bennett Cerf collections and eventually calling Dave directly and saying What is the punch line please.
Silver Spring, Md.:
Woman here! The others are waiting for Carolyn Hax at 3p.m.
Joel Achenbach: Oh, goody. I get Hax lead-in spillage.
Norton, Mass.:
Joel: Just wanted to say how much enjoyed your suggestion to chop down the cherry trees. We could have children from the Mt Vernon area do it as sort of a civics lesson in honor of the first George W. I'm going to mention this to Colin at our next cabinet meeting. We are always looking for new ways to tick off Japan. this is quite in synch with stopping talking to N Korea and backing off the Kyoto deal. I mean, what can Japan do to us now, ask for creative roylaties on the next Pearl Harbor movie? Take care - Gail
Joel Achenbach: Thanks Gail! Finally someone mentioned the obvious George Washington angle that I couldn't seem to work into the column...OK everyone, gotta blast off...BACK TO WORK, ye laggards....
Laurel, Md.:
An apology would mean the U.S. recognizes China's claim to the South China Sea islands, such as the Spratleys, as their airspace. We don't recognize that claim.
Joel Achenbach: Oh, well, let's have a THERMONUCLEAR WAR to make sure we uphold that nonrecognition.
Dear China:
We're sorry your fighter ran into our spy plane.
Joel Achenbach: We regret your death.
Ashburn, Va.:
The problem is the plane was insured by
Geico, and it says right on the back of the
card to never admit an accident was your
fault
Joel Achenbach: That was the last word...BYE...
Washington, D.C.:
Hi Joel-
Sorry I'm late I was "working". Has anyone talked about how great your book is yet?
Megan
Joel Achenbach: There is no book.
THANKS FOR JOINING!!! Bye everyone...
Washington, D.C.:
Hi, Joel -- As a long-time fan, I must say the China question concerns me, too. What say we just hold the pandas for ransom until our guys return home? This Rent-a-Panda thing is out of hand anyway. We can certainly use the money, after all.
Keep up the good work.
Joel Achenbach: The Pandas will shortly be confined in that prison they call "Oz."
Alexandria, Va.:
Us apologizing to the Chinese would be like me driving my nimble and fast Porsche into the side of a tour bus going along straight and slow, and then demanding that the bus driver apologize for being where he was.
Joel Achenbach: It's nice to know we have at least one chat participant who is rich.
ok, thats it...bye everyone...sorry if your question didnt get posted...cheers, Joel
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